The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

A man is driving through the country at night when his car breaks down. He walks to the nearest farm, a big 3 story farmhouse, and when he knocks on the door and old chinese man answers. "I'm sorry to bother you sir, but my car broke down about a mile down the road. Would it be alright with you if stay here the night until the mechanic can come by to pick it up?"

The old man responds, "Oh I am so sorry to hear about your problem! Of course you can stay here for the night, but there is only one condition, you may not sleep with my daughter. If you do, you will face the three chinese tortures!"

The man is a little confused but he agrees thinking to himself, "why on earth does he think I would sleep with his daughter?" Sure enough he meets the daughter and is taken aback by her beauty. After the old man treats the guy to a wonderful dinner, he leads him upstairs to the 3rd floor bedroom where he will stay for the night. The whole time the guy can't get the daughter out of his mind. He tosses and turns, trying to fall asleep, but just can't do it knowing the most beautiful woman he's ever met is down just down the hall. He eventually caves in saying to himself, "how bad could these chinese tortures really be?" Walks down the hall and ends up having the craziest sex of his life with the farmer's daughter. He sneaks back into his room and falls asleep satisfied for the rest of the night.

The man wakes up in the morning with a huge boulder sitting on his chest, barely able to breathe, and says aloud, "what the hell is this? what's going on??"

The old chinese man walks in and says, "chinese torture number one, giant boulder on chest."

The guy is able to sit up, carry the boulder to the window and throw it out the 3rd story window. Just then the old man says, "chinese torture number two, left testicle tied to boulder."

In a panic the guy jumps out the window with the boulder. The old chinese man walks over to the window, leans out and says, "chinese torture number three, right testicle tied to bed post."

[Jimbuna]

"How did it happen? " the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg. "Well, doc, 25 years ago... "Never mind the past! Tell me how you broke your leg this morning. "Like I was saying... 25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said, "No, everything is fine. "Are you sure? " she asked. "I'm sure," I said. "Isn't there anything I can do for you??? " she wanted to know. "I reckon not," I replied. "Excuse me," said the doctor, "What the hell does this story have to do with your broken leg?!?!? "Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof! "

[Platapus]

My mother told me that when I grew up I could be anyone I wanted to be.


Evidently, the police consider that Identity Theft.

[magic452]

Little Susie asks her second grade teacher if a whale could swallow a person and the teacher explained that while a whale's mouth is very large, its throat is narrow so it could not swallow a person. Susie tells the teacher that she learned in Sunday School that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher, a little annoyed, says, "I just explained to you why that's not possible." Susie replies, "When I get to heaven I'm going to ask Jonah." .The teacher laughs and says, "Suppose Jonah went to hell?" "Then you ask him." Susie answers.


Magic

[Platapus]

Where are baby ghosts during the day?


At a day-scare facility

[Jimbuna]

An 80 years old man had an interview with the local TV channel and they told him : old man can you tell us about a happy memory from your youth ?

Old man : one time my donkey got lost and all the village went out to search for and when we found it we were so happy we all made love to it .

Journalist : We can't share this story on Tv can you please give us another story ?

Old man : Okay no problem , one time the goat of my neighboor got lost and all the village went out to search for it and when we found it we were so happy we all made love to it .

Journalist : Listen old man these stories are too shocking for us to put them on tv .Can you share a story without any animal please ?

the old man scratches his head and think for a moment then says : one time our neighbour maria got lost and all the village went out to search for her and when we found her we were so happy we all made love to her .

The journalist visibly annoyed by the old man stories shout : Old man can you tell us a sad story from your youth ?

The old man sighs and his eyes are watery and says : one time I got lost ....

[Jimbuna]

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

[Catfish]

"I know what happens after you die."
"Oh i am so excited, tell me!"
"You hospital bed will be given to someone else."

[Jimbuna]

A man suddenly appeared at the gates of Hell.

He looked up to see the Devil sitting at a chair.

“Hello my friend,” The Devil said kindly, “How are you this fine eternity?”

“A bit confused,” the man replied, “I didn’t realise that I was dead.”

“I understand,” the Devil said sympathetically, “Why don’t you tell me how you got here?”

The man sighed, “I was eating a delicious burrito when I choked. No one was with me and I suffocated.”

“Killed by a burrito!” The Devil roared, flipping his desk, “What an unjust way to go. Did you at least go out eating a super sized one?!”

“No, just a regular size.” The man replied sadly, hanging his head in shame.

“This is even worse!” The Devil cried.

“What can you do about it?” The man replied sadly.

The Devil thought for a moment, before stating, “I will send you back. I’m not having you end your life on a sacred Mexican dish. Go back to Earth and continue your delightful life! Eat more Mexican until the toilet bowl quivers at your approach.”

With a clap of his hands the Devil sent the man back to Earth.

After a few minutes another person appeared, this time a woman. She looked at the Devil and sighed.

“Damn,” she said.

“What happened my dear?” The Devil replied, offering her a glass of sparkling water.

“I was trying to be environmentally conscious with a metal straw instead of plastic.”

“Good for you!” The Devil nodded, “We have just recently pledged to go 100% renewable in Hell. Slave labour is an underrated renewable asset you know.”

The woman gave a reluctant nod in agreement.

“Sorry to interrupt,” the Devil said, “continue please”

“Well,” the woman said, “I was walking with my drink when I slipped. I fell forwards and the metal straw landed up and skewered me straight through my eyeball and brain.”

The Devil promptly threw up.

“My golly goodness,” the Devil groaned, wiping vomit off his chest, “this is a travesty. Helping the planet and you get turned into a human kebab.”

The Devil stroked his horns, thinking.

“I’m feeling good today,” he said, “You my dear can go back to your life!”

The woman cheered in joy, showering the Devil with praise.

“Oh stop it you,” the Devil said cheekily, “just promise you’ll stick to plastic straws. Screw the turtles and save your eyes.”

He clapped his hands and the woman disappeared in a puff of smoke.

A few minutes passed before a third person appeared.

He was different from the others. It was his eyes, they were lifeless, as if all the soul had been sucked from them.

“Hello my friend,” the Devil said cheerfully, offering him some bread sticks.

The man stood gloomily, accepting the food.

“How did you get here?” The Devil asked, eager for some conversation.

“I was at my computer working,” the man said, “I’d been working for endless hours doing a thankless job. I stood up and tripped over a power cord. I must have fallen badly and broken my neck because here I am.”

The Devil threw his hands in the air, “This will not do! You were simply pouring your heart and soul doing your job and died in the process.”

The man shrugged.

The Devil summoned a cup of tea from one of his minions to calm his emotions.

The Devil smiled, sipping his tea, “My friend, I am feeling generous today. I am going to send you back to your life! What do you say to that!”

The man looked around at the swirling pools of lava behind the Devil. The sound of wailing souls echoed around abyss.

“I think I’ll stay in Hell,” the man replied.

The Devil spat out his tea.

“I’m sorry what?” The Devil, wiping his mouth.

“I’d like to stay,” the man repeated.

The Devil was still dumbfounded, before he finally managed to recompose himself.

“Fine mortal, continue down the path to get your orientation pack from the information kiosk. Be up early tomorrow for lava swimming at 7am and then at lunch we’re streaming the final season of Game of Thrones.”

The man nodded and went to walk past the Devil.

“I’m sorry, I have to know,” the Devil said, holding up his hand, “What ridiculous job did you have that makes you want to stay here?”

The man looked up at the Devil, his eyes empty and replied,

“I was a Reddit moderator”

[Jimbuna]

Jack was from a poor family with many siblings.
As the eldest child, he took up the responsibility of helping his parents financially by doing odd jobs, be it collecting recyclable scraps, cleaning, babysitting, dog walking or simple repair work. He had no choice but to drop out of high school at the age of 14 to work full time in order for his other siblings to have a chance at higher education.

His hard work, dedication and skill with tools led him to be hired by a small local repair shop. There he learnt to repair almost every electric equipment under the sun. The shop owner was so impressed at his ability to learn different trades, that he even sponsored Jack to attend a few courses.

However, being a small shop, the owner couldn’t afford to pay him a large salary. Jack was used to being frugal by now and saved whatever money he had to be used for his sibling’s education. His only luxury was eating naan at an Indian restaurant only a monthly basis.

Realising that he could save a lot more if he cooked the naan himself, Jack bought himself a hot cast skillet, looked up a few recipes and began cooking. He tried and tried, altering the recipe and cooking method ever so slightly until he finally found the perfect naan recipe.

Jack first let his siblings try the naan he cooked, then slowly began selling them to his neighbours. Seeing a market for his naan, he opened up a small store by the road side and sold naan.

His naan business flourished. He soon earned enough to send his siblings to university and open up a small shop by himself. There were many blunders and mistakes made when he first managed his own restaurant, but once he got the hang of it, he had enough money to open more and more outlets. He soon had 25 outlets nationwide.

His rags to riches story drew the attention of media. When asked on his success, Jack grinned from ear to ear and replied “I’m Jack of all trades, master of naan”.

[Jimbuna]

An ichthyology student walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How are the studies going?" the bartender asks. "Really great. In fact, right now I'm working on my thesis to explain why koi fish always swim in groups of four," the student replies. "Why do they do that?" the bartender asks. "Well, in the wild, if a group of four koi are attacked by a predator, the odds are good that let's say the A koi, the B koi, and the C koi will all escape to reproduce and live another day," the student says. "Because the predator will always go for the D koi."

[Jimbuna]

Jesus is down by the gates to Heaven...
When an old man approaches.


"Well, what have you done to deserve entry to Heaven?" Asks St Peter.


"To be honest." replies the man, "I am merely a simple carpenter. It was my son who was truly great. Although he wasn't my biological son... his birth was miraculous, still I loved him very much. Later in life he went through many trials and transformations. He spread joy and his story is told all over the world even to this day."


Jesus looks at the man, with a tear in his eye, and says "Father?"


The man looks back; "... Pinocchio?"

[Jimbuna]

Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at a dinosaur boner. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the boner is?"

The guard replies, "He is 80,000,011 years old, and still stiff."

"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know his age so precisely?"

The guard answers, "Well, his boner was eighty million years old when I started working here, and that was eleven years ago."

[Jimbuna]

A woman is flirting with a Russian man at a bar,

She says,


"Hi, handsome, what do you do for a living?"


The Russian replies,


"I work for KGB."


"Cool, tell me an interesting story!"


"About me or about you?"

[Jimbuna]

A father buys a lie-detecting robot that slaps a person when he lies. He decides to test it out on his son at supper. “Where were you last night?” “I was at the library.” The robot slaps the son. “Okay, I was at a friend’s house.” “Doing what?” asks the father. “Watching a movie, Toy Story.” The robot slaps the son. “Okay, it was porn!” cries the son. The father yells, “What? When I was your age, I didn’t know what porn was!” The robot slaps the father. The mother laughs and says, “He certainly is your son!” The robot slaps the mother.