The joke thread

[Jimbuna]

My girlfriend asked me to put candles all over the house and make it look like a Meat Loaf music video.

But I won't do that.

[BossMark]

New years eve was a lot like my marriage,

a few highlights, mosty in the early stages, then it went crap and to be honest I'm glad it's over.

[Jimbuna]

Skysports commentator : The Southampton keeper has Premier League experience but most of it is Scottish Premier League that's a bit like turning up for a job interview saying "I have experience running my own company, I owned a lemonade stand when I was twelve".

[BossMark]

New Year celebrations having been going on around the globe. In Australia they set off a traditional firework display from Sydney Harbour bridge. The Australian Prime Minister also took a moment to telephone the Queen to wish her a Happy New Year.

In keeping with tradition, though, she pretended to be a nurse from a North London hospital.

[Jimbuna]

Demba Ba's potential move to Chelsea FC broke down today after John Terry couldn't agree to personal terms with Ba's wife.

[BossMark]

"I'm sorry but there's no air conditioning in your room," the lady at the hotel desk said to me.

"Don't worry", I replied, "I got my wife with me."

[Jimbuna]

We started to build a new extension last week on the back of our house and the block work has just been finished by a sub contractor. The builder we hired is a pure perfectionist and inspected every detail of the block layers work.

"That stupid **** has not put any mortar in the joints of the brickwork around the windows, pass me a trowel and some wet cement," he said angrily.

"Here you go," I said "would it have caused much damage?"

"It would let water in and eventually cause serious issues down the line."

"Oh" I said, "Thanks for pointing that out."

[BossMark]

My car broke down last night whilst I was on my way to deliver a coffin to a bereaved family. I continued on foot when I got stopped by a police officer.

"Oy," said the officer, "where are you heading to at this time of the night?"

I calmly said, "I don't like where I was buried, So I'm relocating."

The bastard immediately took to his heels with sheer terror.

[Jimbuna]

A man went into a bar and stood next to a fella with a small Jack Russell. The radio was announcing the football results. When the commentator announced the score - Liverpool 1, Man United 0, the dog started doing somersaults.

"Does your dog do that every time Liverpool win a game?" he asked.

"I don't know" replied the fella, "I've only had him two years."

[BossMark]

As the mother-in-law tucked into dinner at our place, she noticed the dog at her feet wagging his tail.

"Oh bless, is he pleased to see me?" she giggled.

"No love, don't mind him!" I said. "It's just you're eating off his plate."

[Jimbuna]

My wife ran up to me for protection after she provoked this bloke at the bar last night.
''Don't worry luv, I'll be by your side.'' I assured her. I kept my word though, I was by her side thoughout the night...


At her hospital bed.

[BossMark]

I met a blonde in a club last night and I asked, "What's your name?"

"It's K," she replied.

"That's sexy," I said, "What's it short for?"

She smiled and answered, "So I can spell it."

[Jimbuna]

I'm painting a picture of the unnamed celebrity in the latest Yewtree arrests

Can you tell who it is yet?

[BossMark]

I've noticed a lot of people are laughing at Jim Davidson today...

He must be pleased, that's something that has never happened to him before.

[Jimbuna]

Kevin-Prince Boateng has kicked a ball at a section of the AC Milan crowd because they were racially abusing him.

It's a good job Robin Van Persie wasnt in the crowd, he could have been killed.