The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

People are usually shocked when they find out I'm not a very good electrician.

[Jeff-Groves]

I had a friend that planted some dope in his garden.

All that grew out of it was a life sentence for murder.

[Rockstar]

Why does the NSA conduct surveillance of all Americans?
Because voters want a president who will listen to them.

Ba-dum Bum.

[Jeff-Groves]

What kind of murderer has moral fiber?
A cereal killer.

----------

A married couple in their 60's are visited by a fairy who grants them both a wish.

"I want to travel around the world with my darling husband." says the wife. 2 tickets for a luxury cruise magically appear in her hand.

The husband says, "Sorry love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."

So the fairy waves her wand and the husband becomes 92.

Moral of the story:
Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember - fairies are female.

----------

I watched the movie "UP"
The only thing I got out of it is that I can't have a real adventure until my Wife dies.

----------

My moral compass is broken...
...so I got an ethical GPS instead. It gives lousy directions but I always end up meeting the nicest people.

[Jeff-Groves]

I took the book 'Cat Sense' and replaced Cat with wife.
I now understand my wife better.
Here's an example:

In wife Sense, renowned anthrozoologist John Bradshaw takes us further into the mind of the domestic wife than ever before, using cutting-edge scientific research to dispel the myths and explain the true nature of our female friends. Tracing the wife's evolution from lone predator to domesticated companion, Bradshaw shows that although wifes and humans have been living together for at least eight thousand years, wifes remain independent, predatory, and wary of contact with their own kind, qualities that often clash with our modern lifestyles. wifes still have one out of two feet firmly planted in the wild, and within only a few generations can easily revert back to the independent way of life that was the exclusive preserve of their predecessors some 10,000 years ago. wifes are astonishingly flexible, and given the right environment they can adapt to a life of domesticity with their husbands—but to continue do so, they will increasingly need our help. If we're to live in harmony with our wifes, Bradshaw explains, we first need to understand their inherited quirks: understanding their body language, keeping their environments—however small—sufficiently interesting, and becoming more proactive in managing both their natural hunting instincts and their relationships with other wifes.

[Catfish]

^ lmao

[Jimbuna]

He turned to her, ran his hand up her thigh across her belly and down her legs. When he turned back to watch tv she asked "Why stop?"

"I found the remote" he replied.

[Jimbuna]

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.

[Jimbuna]

And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life."

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

[Texas Red]

When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves and never comes back.

[Catfish]

"I wish I wouldn't exist"
Djinn: Granted.
"But nothng changed!"
Djinn: Look agan.

[Jimbuna]

I threw a boomerang a few years ago and I'm now living in constant fear.

[Jimbuna]

My wife accused me of being immature because I told her to get out of my fort.

[Platapus]

Originally Posted by Jimbuna

People are usually shocked when they find out I'm not a very good electrician.

Originally Posted by Platapus

A lot of people have been shocked to learn how bad I am as an electrician

A joke so nice that we tell it twice.

[Platapus]

I used to think that my Chiropractor was not very good.
But now, I stand corrected.