The joke thread

[BossMark]

Two women friends had gone for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails.

Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee.

They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a head stone or something.

The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she thought she'd take off her panties, use them, then throw them away.

Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers but was lucky to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves and proceeded to wipe herself with that.

After finishing, they then made off for home.

The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said, "These damn girls night out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties."

"That's nothing, said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her ass that said, "From All of Us At the Fire Station, We'll Never Forget You."

[Jimbuna]

There were three men on an airplane somewhere above the atlantic ocean. Suddenly Death apears on the plane. He says"Before I take you all with me 'll give you a chance to survive. Each one of you will throw something to the ocean and if I find it you will die".
The first one throws a needle. Death goes down to the ocean searching for it. After a couple of minutes he comes back with the needle
The second one throws a hair. Death goes down and after ten minutes he comes back with the hair
The third one throws something quickly and Death goes down again. About an hour later he comes back and says to the guy "Ok you win, I'll let you live.But tell me what did you throw?
The guy says "An effervescent tablet"

[BossMark]

Murphy lay in hospital covered in bandages head to foot - with just two little slits for his eyes.
'What happened to you?' asked Cassidy.
'I staggered out of the pub and a lorry hit me a glancing blow and knocked me through a plate glass window.'
'Begod,' said Cassidy. 'It's a good job you were wearing those bandages or you'd have been cut to ribbons!'

[Jimbuna]

Two blondes lock their keys in the car. One of the blondes tries to break into the car while the other one watches.

Finally the first blonde says "Darn, I can't get in the car!" The other blonde replies, "keep trying, it looks like it is going to rain and the top is down".

[BossMark]

A blonde went to an appliance store sale and found a bargain.

“I would like to buy this TV,” she told the salesman.

“Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, “I would like to buy this TV.”

“Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.

“Darn, he recognized me,” she thought.

She went for a complete disguise this time: a brown curly wig, big baggy clothes, and big sunglasses. Then she waited a few days before she approached the salesman again and said, “I would like to buy this TV.”

“Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.

Frustrated, she exclaimed, “How do you know I’m a blonde?”

“Because that’s a microwave,” he replied.

[Jimbuna]

I said to my two-year-old son, "Now, what noise does a cat make?"

"Miaow!"

"Good, but do you know what noise a dog makes?"

"Woof woof!"

"That's right! Now tell me what noise a cow makes?"

"David, if you even think about going out to that bloody pub with your friends then you can forget about ever being let back in this house!"

That's my boy.

[Lord_magerius]

I'm a big fan of The Dukes of Hazzard, General Lee speaking...

[BossMark]

A burglar broke into a home and was looking around. He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you". Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search. Again the voice said "Jesus is watching you". He turned his flash light around and saw a parrot in a cage. He asked the parrot if he was the one talking and the parrot said, "yes." He asked the parrot what his name was and the parrot said, "Moses." The burglar asked, "what kind of people would name a parrot Moses?" The parrot said, "the same kind of people who would name their pit bull Jesus".

[Lord Justice]

young couple involved in a road traffic accident! Young female thrown through windscreen lying half mangled 15 meters down the road, wriggling with muffled sounds. Young man half dazed with bruise on head but yelling in pain. * Traffic officer * " Sir can you kindly calm whilst we tend to your girlfriend " Young man = have you looked in her mouth.!!

[BossMark]

After a car crash one of the drivers is lying injured at the side of the road. 'Don't worry,' said a policeman, a Red Cross nurse is coming to attend to you.'
Oh no,' groaned the victim, 'couldn't I have a blonde, cheerful one?'

[Lord Justice]

British army land rover found crashed into a tree!! IRA said they planted it.

[Jimbuna]

I'm in line for a job down at 'Oxford Dictionaries'.

I got my mate to put a word in for me.

[Sailor Steve]

Performing tonight: Magic Sam and his talking dog Jake.

Sam ask Jake: "What's on the outside of a tree?"

Jake replies: "Bark! Bark!"

The audience groans.

Sam: "What's on top of a house?"

Jake: "Roof! Roof!"

The audience boos.

Sam: "What did Noah take the animals in?"

Jake: "Ark! Ark!"

The audience starts to throw things at the stage.

Sam tries one more time: "Who's the greatest baseball player?"

Jake: "Ruth! Ruth!"

The audience rushes the stage. As they duck out the door and run down the alley Sam says "You idiot! Can't you get anything right?"

Jake looks at him and says "DiMaggio?"

[Jimbuna]

My family say my ambitions in life are ridiculous and delusional.

But I'll show them, one day I'll swim Everest!

[BossMark]

The assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.

"Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"