The joke thread

[Jimbuna]

I've realised today that no matter how hard you try, you cannot baptize cats.

[BossMark]

The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.
"Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"
The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly."
"Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.
On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.

"Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"
The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."

[Jimbuna]

A little less 'sexualised' if you please...we are heading toward the level of what is not acceptable here.

[antikristuseke]

My bad, I'll now head in another direction of bad taste.

What's better than winning gold medal in special olympics?

ICE CREEEAAAM!

[BossMark]

Soz Jim got a little carried away



A brunette says to a blonde "Look! A dead bird!" and the blonde looks up and says "Where?"

[Hottentot]

1966. The president of Estonia, Aleksander Warma, calls Leonid Brezhnev in Moscow. The following discussion ensues:
"Hello, comrade Brezhnev"
"Hello, comrade Warma. How are the happy people of the Estonian Soviet Socialist Republic doing today?"
"That's what I'm calling you about, comrade Brezhnev. They are not happy."
"How is that possible?!"
"Well see, they have this new liberal idea they have absorbed from the decadent west. They want to be independent."
"Independent? But they are independent!" Brezhnev yells. "They are independent part of our glorious collective of Soviet Socialist Republics!"
"Yes, I know that comrade Brezhnev", Warma explains. "But they won't believe it anymore."
"Well" Brezhnev sighs. "Very well. I shall send two tank divisions and..."
"No, no, no, comrade Brezhnev, please listen to me!" Warma says. "I have a plan! With it, we can appease the dumb masses without tanks, while still not really appeasing them."
"Tanks gasoline is expensive these days, comrade Warma", Brezhnev admits. "I'm listening."
"Comrade Brezhnev, please let us be independent for six hours. Just six hours."
"Six hours? And then what?"
"Then the people shall realize, that the true happiness lies in being part of the glorious Soviet system and want to come back voluntarily. They will never again want to be independent after such experience."
"Hmm", Brezhnev thinks. "Alright, comrade Warma, you have convinced me. From this moment on, there shall be the independent republic of Estonia for the next six hours. And then I don't ever want to hear such nonsense again. Goodbye!"

An hour passes. The phone in Moscow rings again. Brezhnev picks up and hears Warma's voice.
"Hello, comrade Brezhnev, from independent republic of Estonia. On behalf of the people, I want to thank you for our independence."
"Yes, yes, yes", Brezhnev replies. "Now how is the experiment going?"
"Wonderfully, comrade Brezhnev!" Warma becomes excited. "We have even managed to cause our first international relations problem already!"
"How did you manage to do that?!"
"Well, I sort of called Lyndon Johnson a corrupted capitalist pig dog and also explained how it was the Americans themselves that assassinated Kennedy. Oh, and then I said that we should have nuked them from Cuba in 1962."
"Hah, serves the imperialist idiot right!" Brezhnev applauds. "Of course, this is now your problem, comrade Warma. The Soviet Union would never tinker with the affairs of its independent neighbors. No, never, honest to Lenin."
"Of course, comrade Brezhnev. I will keep you updated."

Another hour passes and the phone rings again. Warma calls and he sounds panicked.
"Comrade Brezhnev, comrade Brezhnev! The evil American imperialists have declared war on us for the truths I told them an hour ago!"
"Oh", Brezhnev wonders. "Well, try not to get the factories destroyed. We want them back and working, when your independence ends in four hours."
"Yes, comrade Brezhnev!"

Half an hour passes and the phone rings once more. It's Warma again and he sounds like he had just won in a lottery.
"Comrade Brezhnev, I bring you happy news! We no longer want to be independent!"
"But you still have time?" Brezhnev is puzzled. "Did the people realize their mistake already and are willing to come back now?"
"Not at all, comrade Brezhnev. Instead we surrendered to the Americans and accepted unconditionally that they shall be occupying our country, starting now."
"What?!"
"Sucks to be you, commie!" Warma laughs and ends the call.

[Hottentot]

2005. Phone rings in Moscow and Putin picks up. He hears someone speaking very heavily accented English with drunken voice.
"Hey you?! Is this the Russkie big dude?!"
"This is Vladimir Putin speaking", he gives a confused reply.
"Oh yeah?! OK! Well this is Arska!" The voice yells. "From Finland!"
"Arska from Finland", Putin sounds somewhat amused. "And why are you calling me?"
"We declare war on you!" Arska says confidently.
"Who?" Putin becomes even more confused. "You alone?"
"No!" Arska barks. "We! Here in the bar with me are at least ten guys who are fed up with you and your stupid country and we are not going to stand it anymore! Oh, and then we have Kake's old Trabant that we are going to turn into an armored doomsday device. We are declaring war on you and will take Karelia back!"
"So you and ten other people plus a Trabant are going to declare war on Russia?" Putin confirms. "And surely you must be aware, that the Russian ground forces consist of 20,000 tanks, 50,000 APCs and approximately 1,000,000 men in arms?"
"Well, uh..." Arska backs off. "I'll get back to you!"

Next day the phone rings again. Putin sighs, picks up and hears a familiar voice.
"Russkie, is that you?! This is Arska again!"
"Yes?"
"We are still declaring war on you!" Arska is confident after few rounds in the bar. "And now we have a navy too!"
"A navy?"
"Yeah! Pena had an inflatable boat. We are going to pump it full of air and land on St. Petersburg. You won't know what hit you!"
"And", Putin sighs again. "Are you aware, that the Russian navy consists of 10 aircraft carriers, 1,000 cruisers, 5,000 submarines and 10,000 destroyers? Oh, and because of your yesterday's threatening I have decided to increase the number of our soldiers to 3,000,000."
"Huh?" Arska backs off again. "Well...this isn't over! You'll see!"

Next day, another call. Putin doesn't want to pick up, but knows it might be something important. It isn't.
"Russkie? Arska here! Listen! I just wanted to warn you, that now we don't only have what I told you about before, but also an airforce!"
"Oh really", Putin yawns.
"Yeah! Masa said that we could make a hot air balloon, fly over Moscow and bomb you personally with it! So you'd better give Karelia back to us!"
"Arska, my friend, now listen", Putin interrupts. "I appreciate that you want Karelia back and you don't like me, Russia, or the Russians, but you are just being ridiculous here now. First of all: the Russian airforce consists of 20,000 fighter planes, 30,000 bombers and we also have enough guns on the ground to shoot your balloon down on the border. Plus, just to annoy you, I have decided to increase our army size to 10,000,000 men. So how about you just go sober up and we'll forget these discussions ever happened?"
"Ten...million", Arska goes quiet. "As in one and then seven zeroes?"
"Yes, exactly."
"Oh", Arska starts wondering. "I'll call you in a moment!"

In a moment, all too sort in Putin's opinion, the phone rings once more. He picks up and doesn't even bother to say anything. Instead, Arska starts speaking.
"Hey, Russkie, good news for you. We have decided not to declare war on you after all."
"Oh my", Putin tries to play excited. "I'm so glad to hear that."
"Yeah", Arska continues. "We talked for a while with the guys and concluded that we could never find enough food to feed ten million prisoners of war."

[BossMark]

A drunken man staggered into a Catholic church, sat down in the Confessional and said nothing. The priest is waiting and waiting and waiting.

The priest coughs to attract the drunk man's attention, but still the man says nothing.

The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally the drunk replies, "No use knocking,' pal. There's no paper."

[Jimbuna]

I was sitting down eating a yogurt the other day when my girlfriend told me she was leaving me because of my obsession with nursery rhymes..


And then the cow ran away with the spoon!

[BossMark]

A girl came skipping home from school one day.

"Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said.

"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mummy.

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"

"No Honey, it's because you're 24."

[BossMark]

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.

Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said,

"OK, I give up. Where's the bloody ship?"

[Jimbuna]

It is rumoured that Mystic Meg is to return to the national lottery under her new identity....

Rupert Murdoch

[BossMark]

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she cut off a truck driver.

He motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket.

He drew a circle on the road and told the blonde to stand in the circle and not move.

He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.

When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh, you think that's funny? Watch this."

He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car.

When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad.

He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.

Now she's laughing.

The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire.

He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.

"What's so funny?" The truck driver asked the blonde.

She replied, "When you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle 4 times."

[Jimbuna]

My girlfriend left me 2 weeks ago, I was gutted but didn't want to show it. As she walked through the door I shouted "You'll be back, on your hands and knees, begging me!"
Sure enough, earlier today there she was, on her knees bawling and begging. She said "Please, please, I'll do anything, but please stop stalking me......"

[Sailor Steve]

Annie was at the pet shop looking for something different, and she noticed a parrot for sale for only $10. She asked the owner "Why is he so cheap?"

The owner replied "Well, his former owner was a madam, and he grew up in a house-of-ill-repute."

"So, does he swear a lot or something?" Annie enquired.

"Oh, no." Said the owner. "Nothing like that. Here, I'll show you. Fred, speak!"

The parrot instantly starts in. "Awk! Pretty girls! Lots of pretty girls! Get your pretty girls right here! Awk!"

Annie says "Oh, the girls in my bridge club are going to love him! I'll take him!"

So Annie takes Fred home and sets up his cage. When her bridge club meets Annie says "Speak, Fred!" and Fred says "Awk! Pretty girls! Lots of pretty girls! Get your pretty girls right here! Awk!"

The other women love this and Annie's friend Janet says "Oh, Bill is going to love this!"

So Bill gets home from work and Annie says "Honey, I have something to show you." She takes into the living room and says "Fred, speak!"

Fred immediately says "Awk! Pretty girls! Lot's of pretty girls! Get your pretty girls right here! Awk! Hiya, Bill!"