The joke thread - Page 137

RundownJet · 06-29-12, 11:03 AM

US Navy vs Canada

Canadians:
Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South
to avoid a collision.

Americans:
Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the
North.

Canadians:
Negative. You will have to divert your course 15
degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans:
This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.

Canadians:
No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans:
THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE
SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC
FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE
CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT
YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY
AGAIN,THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER
MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF
THIS SHIP.

Canadians:
We are a lighthouse, your call.

BossMark · 06-29-12, 11:16 AM

A retired gentleman went into the social security office to apply for Social Security. After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers’ license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home.

He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks.

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."

He opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair.

She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me.", and she processes his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office.

She says, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."

Jimbuna · 06-29-12, 11:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RundownJet

US Navy vs Canada

Canadians:
Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South
to avoid a collision.

Americans:
Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the
North.

Canadians:
Negative. You will have to divert your course 15
degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans:
This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.

Canadians:
No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans:
THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE
SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC
FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE
CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT
YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY
AGAIN,THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER
MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF
THIS SHIP.

Canadians:
We are a lighthouse, your call.

One of the oldest in the book and been posted here on more than one occasion I believe.

Sailor Steve · 06-29-12, 11:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RundownJet

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio
conversation of a U.S. naval task force with the Canadian
authorities off the coast of Newfoundland October
1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of
Naval Operations10-10-95.

Absolute fantasy, pure and simple. I heard the story in 1970, and it was the battleship New Jersey, and it turned out to be false then. Apparently it's at least as old as 1939. It's been told and retold a thousand times, and it's never been "an actual transcript".

It's been told here several times, and it's never been true.
http://www.snopes.com/military/lighthouse.asp

BossMark · 06-29-12, 12:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sailor Steve

Absolute fantasy, pure and simple. I heard the story in 1970, and it was the battleship New Jersey, and it turned out to be false then. Apparently it's at least as old as 1939. It's been told and retold a thousand times, and it's never been "an actual transcript".

It's been told here several times, and it's never been true.
http://www.snopes.com/military/lighthouse.asp

Without looking back at all the pages on this thread I am sure that me or Jim posted it or something very similar.

Jimbuna · 06-29-12, 12:03 PM

That's the last time I take the kids to lego land.......... every where we tried to go was blocked.

BossMark · 06-30-12, 03:12 AM

Little Johnny took a note into school that his mother had written for the teacher following a picture that he had drawn of Mummy at work earlier that week. It read as follows:-
Dear Miss Jones,
the picture Johnny drew was not a pole on the stage of a dancing club but of
myself selling a shovel at Wickes DIY. Yours Jenny Smith.

Jimbuna · 06-30-12, 06:52 AM

So Katie Holmes is divorcing Tom Cruise because she hates his movies..

Apparently she found out that he'd been in 'A Few Good Men'.

BossMark · 07-01-12, 07:51 AM

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honour their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

Jimbuna · 07-01-12, 09:39 AM

I hate the woman's voice on my sat-nav.

It said, "Turn right and you're at your destination."

I turned right and went straight into a brick wall.

BossMark · 07-03-12, 02:23 PM

This little fella joins the lazaratian Monks order and takes a vow of silence. However, he's promised by the head Monk that he can speak two words per year.

After the first year the head Monk asks him his two words for the year.
He replies ... "More Blankets"

After his second year the head Monk asks him again his two words for the year.
He replies ... "More Food"

After the third year the head Monk asks him his two words for the year.
He replies ... "I'm Leaving"

The Head Monk says ... "Thank God...you've done nothing but moan since you got here!"

Jimbuna · 07-03-12, 02:25 PM

Just bought a book about Sir Alex Ferguson's face.

50 shades of red.

BossMark · 07-04-12, 01:27 PM

A lady tells her husband to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. He walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.

They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty angry. Where the hell have you been?" "Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking girl there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her." "Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You God damn liar!!! You were playing pool again!!!"

Moral of the story:
Always tell your wife the truth. She wont believe you anyway.
At least your conscience is clear.

Jimbuna · 07-04-12, 04:33 PM

I don't like making plans for the day, because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

Jimbuna · 07-05-12, 06:21 AM

Hypnotists reckon they can cure alcoholism merely by implanting an idea in the drinker's head.

It's a sobering thought.

06-29-12, 11:03 AM	#2041
RundownJet Mate Join Date: Apr 2012 Posts: 53 Downloads: 80 Uploads: 0	US Navy vs Canada Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North. Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course. Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN,THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. Canadians: We are a lighthouse, your call. Last edited by RundownJet; 06-29-12 at 11:18 AM.

06-29-12, 11:16 AM	#2042
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	A retired gentleman went into the social security office to apply for Social Security. After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers’ license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks. The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." He opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me.", and she processes his Social Security application. When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

06-29-12, 12:03 PM	#2046
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	That's the last time I take the kids to lego land.......... every where we tried to go was blocked. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

06-30-12, 03:12 AM	#2047
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Little Johnny took a note into school that his mother had written for the teacher following a picture that he had drawn of Mummy at work earlier that week. It read as follows:- Dear Miss Jones, the picture Johnny drew was not a pole on the stage of a dancing club but of myself selling a shovel at Wickes DIY. Yours Jenny Smith. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

06-30-12, 06:52 AM	#2048
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	So Katie Holmes is divorcing Tom Cruise because she hates his movies.. Apparently she found out that he'd been in 'A Few Good Men'. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

07-01-12, 07:51 AM	#2049
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honour their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you." "My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

07-01-12, 09:39 AM	#2050
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I hate the woman's voice on my sat-nav. It said, "Turn right and you're at your destination." I turned right and went straight into a brick wall. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

07-03-12, 02:23 PM	#2051
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	This little fella joins the lazaratian Monks order and takes a vow of silence. However, he's promised by the head Monk that he can speak two words per year. After the first year the head Monk asks him his two words for the year. He replies ... "More Blankets" After his second year the head Monk asks him again his two words for the year. He replies ... "More Food" After the third year the head Monk asks him his two words for the year. He replies ... "I'm Leaving" The Head Monk says ... "Thank God...you've done nothing but moan since you got here!" __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

07-03-12, 02:25 PM	#2052
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Just bought a book about Sir Alex Ferguson's face. 50 shades of red. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

07-04-12, 01:27 PM	#2053
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	A lady tells her husband to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. He walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty angry. Where the hell have you been?" "Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking girl there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her." "Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You God damn liar!!! You were playing pool again!!!" Moral of the story: Always tell your wife the truth. She wont believe you anyway. At least your conscience is clear. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

07-04-12, 04:33 PM	#2054
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I don't like making plans for the day, because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

07-05-12, 06:21 AM	#2055
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Hypnotists reckon they can cure alcoholism merely by implanting an idea in the drinker's head. It's a sobering thought. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)