The joke thread - Page 133

Jimbuna · 06-12-12, 06:50 AM

Only Wayne Rooney could be thick enough to choose Bobby Charlton as the doner for his hair transplant.

BossMark · 06-12-12, 09:55 AM

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

Jimbuna · 06-12-12, 04:49 PM

I had a minute's silence following my wife's death.

Then, unfortunately, the paramedics brought her back to life.

BossMark · 06-13-12, 02:19 AM

'There's a terrible smell in this café,' said O'Hara.
'Maybe it's the drains.'
'It can't be the drains,' retorted O'Hara, 'we haven't got any.'

Jimbuna · 06-13-12, 11:32 AM

I've been slowly torturing a centipede for the past 98 days.

It's on its last legs now.

BossMark · 06-13-12, 11:42 AM

A man is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"

Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so she marched over to inquire what was wrong.

"Sister," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?"

Being a nurse of long standing, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pyjamas trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a good look, pulled up the pyjamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing is wrong with them!!!"

At this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, "Are my test results back???

Jimbuna · 06-13-12, 12:22 PM

I just read a survey saying that most people die in the early hours of the morning.

Thank God I'm safe in bed by then.

BossMark · 06-13-12, 03:09 PM

Kieran O'Connor always slept with his gun under his pillow. Hearing a noise at the foot of the bed, he shot off his big toe.

'Thank the Lord I wasn't sleeping at the other end of the bed,' Kieran said to his friends in Donegal's pub. 'I would have blown my head off.'

Jimbuna · 06-13-12, 03:25 PM

I used to be in a rock band called 'Obese' once.

We were heavy.

BossMark · 06-14-12, 03:08 PM

Reilly is walking through a graveyard when he comes across a headstone with the inscription "Here lies a politician and an honest man."

'Faith now,' exclaims Reilly, 'I wonder how they got the two of them in one grave.

Jimbuna · 06-14-12, 05:01 PM

Lance Armstrong has denied ever using drugs, but he has admitted pedalling.

BossMark · 06-16-12, 03:35 AM

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.

The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." The priest asks "What did you do?". The woman says "I committed adultery." Priest: "How many times?" Woman: "Three times." Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put £5 in the box and go and sin no more."

A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." Priest: "What did you do?" Man: "I committed adultery." Priest:"How many times?" Man: "Three times." Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's put £5 in the box and go and sin no more."

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves.

A few minutes later another woman enters and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." Rabbi: "What did you do?" Woman: "I committed adultery." Rabbi: "How many times?" Woman: "Once." Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for £5."

Jimbuna · 06-16-12, 06:32 AM

My ten year old daughter asked me what it was that made me want to marry her mum.

I said, "Come back when you're eighteen."

She giggled and asked, "Why, is it rude?"

"No, but I might have figured it out by then," I replied.

BossMark · 06-16-12, 02:45 PM

My wife asked me the other day
"How can I get rid of twelve pounds of really ugly fat?"
"Chop your head off" I replied.
The divorce hearing is next week.

Jimbuna · 06-16-12, 04:33 PM

How will everyone remember Bill Clinton in history?

The President after Bush

06-12-12, 06:50 AM	#1981
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Only Wayne Rooney could be thick enough to choose Bobby Charlton as the doner for his hair transplant. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

06-12-12, 09:55 AM	#1982
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

06-12-12, 04:49 PM	#1983
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I had a minute's silence following my wife's death. Then, unfortunately, the paramedics brought her back to life. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

06-13-12, 02:19 AM	#1984
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	'There's a terrible smell in this café,' said O'Hara. 'Maybe it's the drains.' 'It can't be the drains,' retorted O'Hara, 'we haven't got any.' __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

06-13-12, 11:32 AM	#1985
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I've been slowly torturing a centipede for the past 98 days. It's on its last legs now. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

06-13-12, 11:42 AM	#1986
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	A man is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your face and hands." He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?" Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands." The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so she marched over to inquire what was wrong. "Sister," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?" Being a nurse of long standing, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pyjamas trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a good look, pulled up the pyjamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing is wrong with them!!!" At this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, "Are my test results back??? __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

06-13-12, 12:22 PM	#1987
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I just read a survey saying that most people die in the early hours of the morning. Thank God I'm safe in bed by then. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

06-13-12, 03:09 PM	#1988
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Kieran O'Connor always slept with his gun under his pillow. Hearing a noise at the foot of the bed, he shot off his big toe. 'Thank the Lord I wasn't sleeping at the other end of the bed,' Kieran said to his friends in Donegal's pub. 'I would have blown my head off.' __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

06-13-12, 03:25 PM	#1989
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I used to be in a rock band called 'Obese' once. We were heavy. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

06-14-12, 03:08 PM	#1990
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Reilly is walking through a graveyard when he comes across a headstone with the inscription "Here lies a politician and an honest man." 'Faith now,' exclaims Reilly, 'I wonder how they got the two of them in one grave. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

06-14-12, 05:01 PM	#1991
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Lance Armstrong has denied ever using drugs, but he has admitted pedalling. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

06-16-12, 03:35 AM	#1992
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." The priest asks "What did you do?". The woman says "I committed adultery." Priest: "How many times?" Woman: "Three times." Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put £5 in the box and go and sin no more." A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." Priest: "What did you do?" Man: "I committed adultery." Priest:"How many times?" Man: "Three times." Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's put £5 in the box and go and sin no more." The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves. A few minutes later another woman enters and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." Rabbi: "What did you do?" Woman: "I committed adultery." Rabbi: "How many times?" Woman: "Once." Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for £5." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

06-16-12, 06:32 AM	#1993
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	My ten year old daughter asked me what it was that made me want to marry her mum. I said, "Come back when you're eighteen." She giggled and asked, "Why, is it rude?" "No, but I might have figured it out by then," I replied. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

06-16-12, 02:45 PM	#1994
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	My wife asked me the other day "How can I get rid of twelve pounds of really ugly fat?" "Chop your head off" I replied. The divorce hearing is next week. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

06-16-12, 04:33 PM	#1995
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	How will everyone remember Bill Clinton in history? The President after Bush __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)