The joke thread

[BossMark]

Is that the Liverpool Echo?' said Patrick. 'It is.'
'How much would it be to put an ad in your paper?'
'Five pounds an inch,' replied the receptionist.
Too dear!' snapped Patrick.
'Why? What are you selling?'
'A ten-foot ladder,' said the Irishman, and banged the phone down.

[Jimbuna]

I looked out of my window and saw a group of people gathering around a bloke who came off his motorbike, so I frantically rushed over.

"Out of the way!" I shouted, as I pushed through the crowd.

"Are you a doctor?" one woman screamed.

"No" I replied, "He was delivering my pizza."

[BossMark]

A rich American tourist was holidaying in Rome, and was intent on seeing the Pope. There he stood, in a big long line with a rather expensive suit on, hoping the Pope would notice how smart he was and perhaps talk a few words with him.

As the Pope made his way slowly down the line, he walked right past the American, hardly even noticing him.

The Pope then stopped next to a low-life sot, leaned over and whispered something in the sot's ear, and made his way on again.

This really angered the American. After speaking with the drunkard, the American agreed to pay $1000 dollars to exchange clothing, in the hope that the Pope would speak to him the next day.

The next morning the American stood in the line, waiting to see the Pope and hopefully exchange a few words. The Pope was making his way slowly up to the American. When he finally reached him, he leaned over to the American and spoke softly into his ear..

"I thought I told you yesterday to get the hell out of here."

[BossMark]

The Redneck goes for his yearly medical check up and the doctor says, "Burnell, I'm going to need a blood, urine, semen and faeces sample."
Burnell says, "Sure Doc, how about I just give you my underpants."

[Jimbuna]

A golfer is walking down the road carrying his clubs when he sees an Arab being held up at gunpoint. He pulls out a wedge and smashes it over the back of the robber's head, knocking him unconscious.

"You probably saved my life," says the grateful Arab. "I am a member of the Saudi Royal Family and I have the power and money to give you anything you desire as a reward."

The golfer glances at his golf bag.

"Some golf clubs would be nice," he says.

Two weeks later, the Sheikh's secretary calls him up.

"We've got your golf clubs," she says, "but the Sheikh would like to apologise to you in advance: only three of them have swimming pools."

[BossMark]

Did you hear about the woman who was married to a succession of three Microsoft employees and still died a virgin?

Her first husband was in Training, and kept teaching her how to do it herself.

The second was in Sales, and kept telling her how good it was going to be.

And the third was in Tech Support, and kept saying “Don’t worry, it’ll be up any minute now…”

[Jimbuna]

Muamba's going to think he has been in a 10 year coma when he wakes up to hear Torres has scored.

[Jimbuna]

Liverpool have finally taken home a trophy after six years: The Carling cup.

That's a bit like being single for six years and then bringing home Susan Boyle.

[BossMark]

Tech Support: “Just call us back if there’s a problem. We’re open 24 hours.”
Customer: “Is that GMT time?”

[Herr-Berbunch]

Surely that'd just be GMT?

I could also mention here SAM missiles and Anti-Aircraft AAA.

[Jimbuna]

My wife says I'm too obsessed with Stevie Wonder and is going to use all of her savings to send me to a top-notch psychiatrist.

Isn't She Lovely.

[BossMark]

Tech Support: “I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.”
Customer: “Ok.”
Tech Support: “Did you get a pop-up menu?”
Customer: “No.”
Tech Support: “Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?”
Customer: “No.”
Tech Support: “Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?”
Customer: “Sure, you told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote ‘click’.”

[Jimbuna]

'Tulisa Granted Gagging Order Over Alleged Sex Tape'

Didn't she do enough gagging when she made it??

[BossMark]

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.
'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out,' replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. 'Mum, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out.'

Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago. A week later her son walked into the room in tears.

'It's okay' said the Mum, 'I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.'
'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'

[Jimbuna]

I'd like to thank my skeletal system for all the support it's given me over the years.