The joke thread

[BossMark]

A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink rapidly.
"Is everything okay, pal?", the bartender asks.
"My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn't talking to me for a month!".
Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know, a little peace and quiet?"
"Yeah. But today is the last day".

[Jimbuna]

Today is International Women's Day.
It was actually supposed to be held yesterday but they took too long to get ready.

[Jimbuna]

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss he beats it to death with a
spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade,killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moves on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"
The lions say: "Absolutely brlliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees."

[frau kaleun]

Originally Posted by jimbuna

"Absolutely brlliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees."

[BossMark]

There was a blonde woman named, Cindy, that was in deep financial problems.
So she got on her knees and prayed “Dear
God, please let me win the lottery. I really need your help or
I’ll loose my car, the house, and everything else.” She doesn’t
win. The next day she prays to God “God! I really really need
your help! I’ll loose my car, the house, and everything else.”
Once again, she doesn’t win. The next day she says the same
prayer; then God speaks to her ” Cindy! work with me here, BUY
A TICKET!!”

[Jimbuna]

The Italian special forces were actually involved in the attempted rescue of the hostages in Nigeria. They were in Sokoto when the first shot was fired, they were in a nuclear bunker a mile beneath Rome when the second one was fired.

[BossMark]

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job.
"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"
"11" he replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."
"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."
He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, Gomer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant.
"It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

[Jimbuna]

The innocent children of Africa, their childhoods stolen, ripped from the arms of their crying parents. Soon unable to defend themselves they must learn to shoot, whilst a baying mob of savages cheer them on. Most will never learn to read or write, there are no medals for these brave lost causes, no victory, no respite. We must make the world aware, we must not turn our back....


ARSENE WENGER 2012.

[BossMark]

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn’t get out of her room.

“You can’t get out of your room?” the captain asked, “Why not?”

The stewardess replied, “There are only three doors in here,” she cried, “one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says, ‘Do Not Disturb’!”

[Jimbuna]

Norwegian scientists have discovered that LSD can help alcoholics to give up drink.

I don't think I'd fancy a pint if I was being chased by a fire breathing, purple unicorn.

[steve_the_slim]

Originally Posted by jimbuna

fire breathing, purple unicorn.

She's usually purple. Apparently she turns white-hot when angered. Close enough.

[Herr-Berbunch]

Nooooo! Not another one fallen to the little horse thing!

[BossMark]

This beautiful blonde walks up to an officer and says, “Can you help me? I’ve locked my keys in my car.”

So the officer bends a coat hanger and feeds it through the window, moving it back and forth to catch the lock when suddenly, the other beautiful blonde sitting in the passenger seat says, “A little more to the left officer.”

[Jimbuna]

"Okay, that'll be 20p," said the cashier as he scanned my Freddo.

"What!?" I shouted. "But it says 10p on the wrapper?"

"Yes, I know it says that on it, but it is actually 20."

"Fine," I said, as I begrudgingly handed him the cash.

"Ummm, excuse me sir," the man slid the coin back across the counter. "You've handed me a ten pence piece."

"Yes, I know it says 10p on it but it is actually 20."

[BossMark]

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define “great” he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”

He now writes error messages for Microsoft Corporation.