The joke thread

[Platapus]

I want a bumper sticker with that on it.

Well done (golf clap)

[BossMark]

A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first,
"What's your name and address?"
"I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address."
The cop turns to the second drunk, and asks the same question.
"I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy."

[Jimbuna]

BBC News: A 91 year old man, and his 88 year old wife were blown fifty feet across the street when their house suffered a gas explosion today!

According to their son, it's the first time they've been out together for 30 years!

[Lord_magerius]

There's something wrong with my pet snake, his body is constantly limp and never hard.


I think it's a reptile dysfunction.

[Platapus]

Originally Posted by Lord_magerius

There's something wrong with my pet snake, his body is constantly limp and never hard.


I think it's a reptile dysfunction.

Fangs for posting that joke.

[BossMark]

Two old men go to an escort service house. The madam asks them what they want. They say women. She asks, "How old are you?" They say 90.
So she tells one of the girls to take them upstairs and put each of them in a room with a blow up doll. So they go upstairs and do their thing.
When they come back downstairs the first old man asks the other "How was it?" The other one says "I think she was dead, she just layed there, how was yours?"
"I think mine was a witch."
"A witch?"
"Yeah, I bit her on the tit, she farted and flew out the window."

[Jimbuna]

BBC News: 'Man who killed Wife was facing life sentence'.

Yeah, that's why he killed her.

[Lord_magerius]

I love to pamper my girlfriend after she's had a stressful day at work. I get her to text me when she's leaving so I can get the hot tap running, swirl around the foam and bubbles and time everything perfectly so the moment she walks through the door the dishes are piled up and waiting for her.

[BossMark]

A hippy with no job kept begging his girlfriend to marry him. She protested for months saying he needed a job first. He always told her, "We can just live on love."
Finally, she relented and they got married. The morning after their honeymoon, she got up and sat on the heater.
The hippy asked, "What are you doing?"
She replied, "Heating your breakfast."

[Jimbuna]

My school has become an academy, it's sponsored by IKEA.

Lessons are ok, but morning assembly takes ages.

[BossMark]

A ventriloquist is telling Irish jokes in Davy Byrne's pub in Grafton Street, Dublin, when, O'Leary, an irate Irishman stands up shouting, 'You're making out we're all dumb and stupid. I ought-ta punch you in the nose.' 'I'm sorry sir, I...........'
'Not you,' says O'Leary, 'I'm talking to that little fella on your knee.'

[Jimbuna]

I was stood at the bar last night, when this girl came up beside me.

Looking her up and down, I said, "If I could rearrange the alphabet..."

"Let me guess," she said, "you'd put U and I together?"

I said, "No fatty, I'd put U at the back of the Q."

[BossMark]

A girl called the police department and reported that she had been assaulted. The officer who answered the phone, asked, "When did this happen?" She replied, "Last week." The police then asked, "Why did you wait until now to report it?" Well," she said. "I didn't know that I was assaulted until the check bounced."

[Jimbuna]

KFC just released the Julia Gillard snack box, you get 2 small breasts, 2 extra large thighs and a red box.

[BossMark]

A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a trolley bed by a lady in a white dress and brought to the corridor. Before they enter the room she leaves her behind the theatre door to go in and check whether everything is ready.A young man wearing a white coat approaches, takes the sheet away and starts examining her naked body. He walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over and does the same examinations.When the third man starts examining her body so closely,she grows impatient and says: "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?" The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: "I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."