Totem Games: Ironclads 2 Philippines 1898. We need help...

[Maxim]

We need help in checking the text for the intro to a new game scenarios. Thank in advance.





In the 1890s San Francisco is the largest
seaport of transpacific trade.

American merchant ships are loaded goods here.

A month later, the goods are unloaded in the harbors of Asia. During the voyage ships are forced to replenish supplies only in foreign harbors.

US Navy is ready to protect the interests of American trade. The problem is that no coaling stations and naval bases in the Pacific and Asia...

In the same time Spain's power over its colonies in the Pacific weakened. Philippines rebelled against the metropolis.

Spain almost pacify insurgents, but...

The shocking outcome of the Battle of Manila Bay spurred the Spanish government to organize a relief expedition.

Coming battle between the rising and falling empire!

[NeonSamurai]

Originally Posted by Typical Russian

We need help in checking the text for the intro to a new game scenarios. Thank in advance.





In the 1890s San Francisco is the largest
seaport of transpacific trade.

American merchant ships are loaded goods here.

A month later, the goods are unloaded in the harbors of Asia. During the voyage ships are forced to replenish supplies only in foreign harbors.

US Navy is ready to protect the interests of American trade. The problem is that no coaling stations and naval bases in the Pacific and Asia...

In the same time Spain's power over its colonies in the Pacific weakened. Philippines rebelled against the metropolis.

Spain almost pacify insurgents, but...

The shocking outcome of the Battle of Manila Bay spurred the Spanish government to organize a relief expedition.

Coming battle between the rising and falling empire!

In The 1890s San Francisco was the largest seaport for transpacific trade in the world.

American merchant ships loaded their goods at San Francisco.

A month later, the goods would be unloaded in the harbors of Asia.

During the voyage, American ships could only replenish supplies from foreign harbors, which was costly.

The US Navy, though ready to protect American trade interests, faced the problem of having neither coaling stations, nor any American naval bases in the Asia-Pacific region.

Meanwhile, Spain was loosing power over its colonies in the Pacific. In the Philippines, rebel forces had rose up and attacked Manila.

Spain attempted to pacify the insurgents, but...

The shocking outcome of the Battle of Manila Bay spurred the Spanish government to organize a relief expedition to the Philippines.

This set the stage for the coming battle between these two empires!

(edited to make it fit better with the video)

[em2nought]

Originally Posted by NeonSamurai

Meanwhile, Spain was losing power over its colonies in the Pacific.

...and Spanish American War! Awesome!

[NeonSamurai]

Originally Posted by em2nought

...and Spanish American War! Awesome!

It wasn't losing at that time, it was only the first battle (Manila Bay) that it lost, and the US was having a lot of problems too at the time :P

[em2nought]

Originally Posted by NeonSamurai

It wasn't losing at that time, it was only the first battle (Manila Bay) that it lost, and the US was having a lot of problems too at the time :P

I was just correcting the one spelling error pal, unless you mean Spain was getting all jiggly?

addendum: Maybe it should be "had risen" instead of "had rose" also, but grammar isn't a strong point of mine.

[Maxim]

Many thanks! I corrected video. Also, I broke subtitles for short frames. But I'm not sure what is right divided the long sentences in the two separate frame. I have read the rules for writing subtitles. Do not use more than two lines in one frame. Maybe we need to replace long sentences in two separate short sentences?




1st frame: The US Navy, though ready to protect American trade interests, faced the problem of having neither...
<break>
2nd frame: coaling stations, nor any American naval bases in the Asia-Pacific region.

1st frame: The shocking outcome of the Battle of Manila Bay spurred the Spanish...
<break>
2nd frame: government to organize a relief expedition to the Philippines.

[Sailor Steve]

NeonSamurai's corrections work quite well, but I noticed one serious (well, to me anyway) typo that he missed. It should be "trans-Pacific".

[edit] And a typo by Neon - "Spain was losing power...", not "loosing".

[edit] And yes, it should be either "rebel forces had risen" or "rebel forces rose up".

[Maxim]

How to divide these sentense into two separate?


The US Navy, though ready to protect American trade interests, faced the problem of having neither coaling stations, nor any American naval bases in the Asia-Pacific region.

The shocking outcome of the Battle of Manila Bay spurred the Spanish government to organize a relief expedition to the Philippines.

[NeonSamurai]

The US Navy was ready to protect American trade interests...

But the Navy faced the problem of having neither coaling stations, nor any American naval bases in the Asia-Pacific region.


The shocking outcome of the Battle of Manila Bay...

Spurred the Spanish government to organize a relief expedition to the Philippines.

[Sailor Steve]

Originally Posted by NeonSamurai

The US Navy, was ready to protect American trade interests.

Comma should not be used there.

But the Navy faced the problem of having neither coaling stations, nor any American naval bases in the Asia-Pacific region.

Never begin a sentence with "but".

I think Neon's original wording is best. If it needs to be divided between two separate frames, a simple "..." after the first phrase would do.

The US Navy, though ready to protect American trade interests...

Faced the problem of having neither coaling stations, nor any American naval bases in the Asia-Pacific region.

[edit] On second thought, Neon's suggestion here could also work the same way, with a little tweaking:

The U.S. Navy was ready to protect American trade interests...

But the navy faced the problem of having neither coaling stations nor any American naval bases in the Asia-Pacific region.

The shocking outcome of the Battle of Manila Bay...

Spurred the Spanish government to organize a relief expedition to the Philippines.

That one looks perfect to me.

[NeonSamurai]

Fixed

Now go back to aiding Ms. Trump with her speeches

[Sailor Steve]

Oh, and

[Onkel Neal]

Originally Posted by Typical Russian

We need help in checking the text for the intro to a new game scenarios. Thank in advance.





In the 1890s San Francisco is the largest
seaport of transpacific trade.
e!

Be sure to post a link to the finished video here, I can add it to the Subsim main page

[Maxim]

Gentlemen, we are very grateful to you for your help!

The publication of this video is still premature. We are preparing the materials for the new game. Then we want to place them on Steam Greenlight. That's when we need your support.

[em2nought]

It's almost been a year since the last report. So, when am I going to be able to tell Gridley to fire when ready?