Monday, April 1, 2002; Page A12

Subsim Review sells out to Microsoft!

    Industry insiders say it was the pressure of a younger and hungrier web power that forced M$ to cave in and accept Subsim Review's counteroffer. In a meeting that lasted only as long as the free pizza and Dr Pepper, the words were short and terse. At the last minute, Microsoft founder Billy-Bob Gates agreed that SSR was a force that could not be denied and signed on to the $40 million acquisition deal. Subsim Review's CEO Neal Stevens was quoted as saying "You would think these guys could afford the meat lover's pizza but all we got in this meeting was pepperoni. That's when I knew they were playing hard ball." 

    The agreement ended 16 months of negotiations that left the operating system giant defeated and the small Texas naval website enriched and covered in glory. SSR's Subject Matter Expert Frank "Torpex" Kulick was beaming. "Now I can afford a new drip rag for my Harley." Members of both negotiating teams shook hands and left the Astrodome complex early Monday morning. Stevens could be heard shouting at the departing MS limo, "You haven't heard the last of me! I'll be back at the ranch if you change your mind." Brad Moore, the lead project tester pulled this reporter aside and said, "Neal's a little miffed over the pizza thing. That and he's stalling for the press to leave--he usually forgets where he parked."

    Industry and consumer reaction was mixed. Longtime subsim enthusiast "GoDeep" laments what this could mean,

General protection fault reading torpedo.exe
What do you wish to do?
(C)ancel, (R)eload torpedo or (F)ire anyway?


Warning! You selected "Crash Dive". Are you sure? In some cases "Crash Dive" can cause you to hit the bottom, especially in  shallow waters!
(y)es (n)o.

And more along these lines.


Silent Hunter II Sells 500,000 Copies

    Early Monday morning the Faust Accounting firm announced sales of the popular computer game Silent Hunter II had reached over half a million units. Beginning in November 2001, sales rocketed to the top of the PC game charts, beating out entertainment rivals The Sims, Medal of Honor, and IL-2 Sturmovik. Retailers Best Buy and CompUSA report they have never seen anything like it. "We have people camping out in the parking lot to be the first to get their third copy," said store manager Dan Sibling.

    "We are pleased to see our hard work pay off," says Producer Shawn Storc. "We knew it would be successful the minute we announced the 14th release date. My boss Carl Norman actually smiled the other day."

    Dozens of sweat-soaked men and teenagers flocked around the empty SH2 display, glazed and twitching. "All I gotta say is I never thought I'd live to see the day that I would own this game," said one enthusiast who would only give "Kraut" as his name. "Literally, man!"

Sharkstooth to star in new Bond Film

    Wolfpack League KP Priestess Sharkstooth has been accepted in her first major film role in the next James Bond movie. Filming is due to commence at the end of May with the title sequence being filmed at the Royal Opera House. (More info at

    Sharkstooth  had a small role in Porky's and auditioned for American Pie with Jason Biggs. "I adore James Bond films with Sean Connery being my favorite Bond of all time but I am really looking forward to working with Pierce Brosnan who I had met a few times at the Opera House house before I auditioned with him," exclaims the lady known to millions of frustrated WPL devotees as "Shargie".

    "I understand there is a torture scene. I think I am very well practiced in this as I have been torturing DeerhunterUK, McBeck, Doc, Nem, and a few other naughty lads for quite a spell."

    She would not give any comment to the rumor that a body double would not be used for the film's "mature scenes".  She was grinning, though.


More Subsim April Fool's jokes next year.
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