The joke thread II

[Platapus]

My wife has a habit of staring at the window during rain storms.


Maybe I should let her in?

[Jimbuna]

My wife came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her.

So I hit her over the head with my Xbox.

[Jimbuna]

The following conversation took place in an Irish post office.

Murphy: Paddy why are you talking to that envelope?
Paddy: I’m trying to send a voicemail.

[Jimbuna]

Q. What’s the difference between a flying pig and a politician?
A. The letter F.

[Jimbuna]

Just failed my job interview after the following question:

Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: I normally do it verbally using words but on this occasion I’ve actually prepared a dance.

[Jimbuna]

Why do old women love to have loads of cats?
Because as women age they reach a phase of life called the ‘many paws’.

[Jimbuna]

Top 5 worst ever Irish inventions.

1. Inflatable dartboard.
2. Diet water.
3. Helicopter ejector seat.
4. Wooden barbecue.
5. Non-stick toilet paper.

[Jimbuna]

Just got a new job helping a one-handed typist do capital letters. It’s shift work.

[Jimbuna]

What does an Eskimo do if his house falls down?

Igloos it back together.

[magic452]

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.
"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.
'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.
"Oh, I see. Well, ye got ol' Paddy here fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"

"Thank God you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize."
And then he just walks off.

"Wow, what a nice guy!" the Leprechaun says to himself. "I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic love life."

A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
"'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"

"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. "I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."
"Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"
"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer says cheerfully. "When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!"
"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer love life?"
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm just wanting to know if I did a good job here. How many times a week do ya do the deed?"
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week."
"What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?"
"Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."


Magic

[Jimbuna]

A recent scientific study has found that 9/10 men prefer big boobs. The other man prefers the 9 men.

[Jimbuna]

What’s the difference between a refugee and E.T?

E.T. learnt English and wanted to go home!

[Platapus]

The difference between a Soldier, a Marine, and an Airman


"What do you do if you find a scorpion inside your tent?"


Soldier - Kill it and go back to sleep; no big deal


Marine - Kill it and eat it; thems good eatin with ketchup



Airman - Call the concierge and inquire why there happens to be a tent in his or her suite.

[Jimbuna]

I hate being bipolar, it’s amazing.

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear about the teacher with the two lazy eyes? Apparently he can’t control his pupils.