The joke thread II

[Platapus]

The police arrested the tongue-twister champion of the world
The judge is sure to give him a hard sentence

[Jimbuna]

A man got this message frm his neighbour: "Sir, I am so sorry but I have dis confession to make. I have been sharing ur wife with u behind ur back... day and night and mostly when u r not in town.. I have used ur wife in my kitchen, bedroom, parlour and also in ur own apartment and at times right under ur nose..i have to also admit I have used ur wife more than u do. I feel I should let u knw cos I feel so guilty. I promise never to do it again".. the man was so mad that he shot his wife dead!

Few minutes later he received another msg from the same neighbour stating " so sorry for d mistake in spellings...I meant to write WIFI and not WIFE........

[Platapus]

The police arrested a road worker for theft
When they got to his house, all the signs where there.

[Commander Wallace]

Originally Posted by Jimbuna

A man got this message frm his neighbour: "Sir, I am so sorry but I have dis confession to make. I have been sharing ur wife with u behind ur back... day and night and mostly when u r not in town.. I have used ur wife in my kitchen, bedroom, parlour and also in ur own apartment and at times right under ur nose..i have to also admit I have used ur wife more than u do. I feel I should let u knw cos I feel so guilty. I promise never to do it again".. the man was so mad that he shot his wife dead!

Few minutes later he received another msg from the same neighbour stating " so sorry for d mistake in spellings...I meant to write WIFI and not WIFE........

Along the same lines.

A mobster puts out a contract on someone who is causing him problems. No one in his outfit wants the job so it calls to an underling named Artie who isn't too bright. They tell Artie they will pay him a dollar to rub out the guy.

They send Artie out and he finds a guy and chokes him dead. His boss later says that was the wrong guy and again, Artie goes out and Chokes another only to discover that again, it was the wrong guy.

They next drive Artie to where the guy is and again, Artie Chokes him and gets his dollar.

The next day, Artie is reading the paper and falls over thinking he has been discovered. Artie reads: Artichokes-3 for a dollar in the produce section.

[Jimbuna]

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates of Heaven, Saint Peter looks him up on the list and tells him "You are in the wrong place"

The engineer reports to the gates of Hell, and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer is dissatisfied with the comfort level in Hell, and implements massive changes. Soon there are Japanese style intelligence toilets, air conditioning, auto massager and other wonderful improvements. He also teaches and establishes scientific academic movements that inspire every one there.

One day God calls down to find out how hellish it is down there.

Satan goes on and on endlessly about the fantastic gadgets and tech wonders "There's just no telling what he's going to come up with next! We're all excited to work together on the projects, just to enjoy eternity all the more."

God tells Satan 'There was a huge mistake, he never should have been sent to you. Send him back up here, immediately"

Satan refuses "Are you kidding? He's the best thing here ever. I want him on staff"

God says "Send him back, or I'll sue!"

Satan replies "Yeah, right. Just where are you going to find a lawyer?"

[Platapus]

Police are continuing to investigate the theft of frozen meat, despite it being a cold case

[Jimbuna]

Three ill men go to doctor. One is alcoholic, one is a chain-smoker and the other is gay.

The doctor tells the men if you indulge in any of your habits again you will die.

So the three men leave and then the alcoholic sees the bar and hears its loud music and can’t resist. He orders a shot of whisky, drinks it and suddenly drops down dead. The other two men walk outside realising how serious this is.

But then the chain smoker sees a half a cigarette on the ground still burning so the gay guy says to the smoker, “ If you bend over to pick that up, we are both dead”

[Platapus]

Breaking News: The police are chasing an arsonist and are in hot pursuit

[Jimbuna]

Q: What did one plate whisper to the other plate?
A: Dinner is on me.

[Catfish]

Who cares if 85 percent of Americans don't know where Ukraine's borders are on a map?
Neither does Putin.
(Stephen Colbert in 2014)

[Jimbuna]

Two friends meet, both native Russian speakers – as is everyone in this region – but one speaks Russian, and the other insists on speaking Ukrainian.

Why are you speaking Ukrainian? asks one friend. Are you afraid Ukrainian nationalists will come and kill you?

No, comes the reply. I'm afraid if Putin hears me speaking Russian, he will come to 'protect' my rights!

[Jimbuna]

A Russian comes to the Ukrainian border.

The Ukrainian border guard asks, "Name?"

The Russian answers, "Boris."

The border guard asks, "Occupation?"

The Russian says, "No, just visiting."

[Platapus]

I, for one, like Roman Numbers

[Jimbuna]

Q: What are the strongest days of the week?
A: Saturday and Sunday. All the others are week days.

[Catfish]

Putin visits a school, speaks about patriotism and glorious achievements of the russian people.
After this the kids are allowed to ask questions.

Igor raises his hand "I have two questions if i may.
1. Why did you attack the Ukraine?
2. Why do you want to invade it?"

"Good questions", Putin lauds.
Then the school bell rings, and all the kids rush out of the room for the pause.
After the pause Putin continues the talk:
"Do you have more questions?"

Sascha raises his hand:
"My name is Sascha and I also have two questions:
1. Why did the school bell ring 20 minutes early and
2. Where is Igor?"