The joke thread II - Page 211

Commander Wallace · 08-02-21, 08:35 PM

Everyone thinks I have a drinking problem.

I drink. I get drunk. I fall down.

No problem.

I don't have a problem with alcohol.

I have a problem when I run out of alcohol.

Jimbuna · 08-03-21, 08:47 AM

Doctor tells his patient, “I’m afraid you are going to die in a few hours. What is your last wish?”

Patient replies, “I need a good doctor.”

Jimbuna · 08-04-21, 12:16 PM

What do you call people who use the temperature method of contraception?

Parents.

Platapus · 08-04-21, 04:10 PM

Dad, are we pyromaniacs?

Yes, we arson

Jimbuna · 08-05-21, 12:40 PM

A doctor tells a patient, "Sir, you are highly contagious and must be placed in isolation. Until we get in contact with the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, your diet will consist of pizza and fried eggs."

"Will that help me get better again?" asks the patient.

"Not really. But it's the only thing we can shove in under the door."

Jimbuna · 08-06-21, 01:09 PM

A doctor walks in a cemetery one afternoon when a hand shoots through the earth and grabs his ankle. A hollow voice speaks from underneath the ground, "You're a doctor, right? Do you have anything against worms?"

Jimbuna · 08-07-21, 11:54 AM

Mother: Son, why aren't you talking to Mark anymore? You used to be really good friends.

Son: Well would you like to talk to someone who is kind of stupid, is using drugs and is drinking alcohol every day?

Mother: Of course not!

Son: Well neither would he.

Jimbuna · 08-08-21, 12:59 PM

Question: I have an extra-large nose, three eyes and thirty teeth. What am I?

Answer: Ugly

Jimbuna · 08-09-21, 01:08 PM

A guy had to move abroad and had to sell his dog. The new owner asks, “And does he like little kids?”

“Sure, but it’s cheaper to just buy him dog biscuits.”

Jimbuna · 08-10-21, 01:26 PM

At a birth center:

Heavily breathing woman: How long does it usually take for the child to be out since the start of the labor pains?

Midwife: About 18 years.

Jimbuna · 08-11-21, 02:14 PM

Two cannibals are enjoying dinner. One compliments the other, "I say, Bill, your wife really makes a great meal."

Jimbuna · 08-12-21, 12:44 PM

How did the dentist suddenly become a brain surgeon?

A slip of the hand.

Platapus · 08-13-21, 06:40 AM

My doctor asked me if I suffered from Premature Ejaculation
I told her that I don't but my wife does.

Jimbuna · 08-13-21, 09:49 AM

A guy asked at a skydiving school, "If the chute doesn't open and the reserve doesn't open either, how long until we hit the ground?"

The instructor looked at him and said, "The rest of your life."

Jimbuna · 08-14-21, 08:57 AM

Q: Why did the one-armed man cross the road?

A: To get to the second hand shop.

08-03-21, 08:47 AM	#3152
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 180,992 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Doctor tells his patient, “I’m afraid you are going to die in a few hours. What is your last wish?” Patient replies, “I need a good doctor.” __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

08-04-21, 12:16 PM	#3153
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 180,992 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	What do you call people who use the temperature method of contraception? Parents. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

08-04-21, 04:10 PM	#3154
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 18,928 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

08-05-21, 12:40 PM	#3155
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 180,992 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	A doctor tells a patient, "Sir, you are highly contagious and must be placed in isolation. Until we get in contact with the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, your diet will consist of pizza and fried eggs." "Will that help me get better again?" asks the patient. "Not really. But it's the only thing we can shove in under the door." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

08-06-21, 01:09 PM	#3156
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 180,992 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	A doctor walks in a cemetery one afternoon when a hand shoots through the earth and grabs his ankle. A hollow voice speaks from underneath the ground, "You're a doctor, right? Do you have anything against worms?" __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

08-02-21, 08:35 PM	#3151
Commander Wallace Navy Seal Join Date: Oct 2012 Location: Under the sea in an Octupus garden in the shade Posts: 5,014 Downloads: 360 Uploads: 0	Everyone thinks I have a drinking problem. I drink. I get drunk. I fall down. No problem. I don't have a problem with alcohol. I have a problem when I run out of alcohol.

08-07-21, 11:54 AM	#3157
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 180,992 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Mother: Son, why aren't you talking to Mark anymore? You used to be really good friends. Son: Well would you like to talk to someone who is kind of stupid, is using drugs and is drinking alcohol every day? Mother: Of course not! Son: Well neither would he. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

08-08-21, 12:59 PM	#3158
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 180,992 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Question: I have an extra-large nose, three eyes and thirty teeth. What am I? Answer: Ugly __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

08-09-21, 01:08 PM	#3159
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 180,992 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	A guy had to move abroad and had to sell his dog. The new owner asks, “And does he like little kids?” “Sure, but it’s cheaper to just buy him dog biscuits.” __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

08-10-21, 01:26 PM	#3160
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 180,992 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	At a birth center: Heavily breathing woman: How long does it usually take for the child to be out since the start of the labor pains? Midwife: About 18 years. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

08-11-21, 02:14 PM	#3161
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 180,992 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Two cannibals are enjoying dinner. One compliments the other, "I say, Bill, your wife really makes a great meal." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

08-12-21, 12:44 PM	#3162
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 180,992 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	How did the dentist suddenly become a brain surgeon? A slip of the hand. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

08-13-21, 06:40 AM	#3163
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 18,928 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	My doctor asked me if I suffered from Premature Ejaculation I told her that I don't but my wife does. __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

08-13-21, 09:49 AM	#3164
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 180,992 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	A guy asked at a skydiving school, "If the chute doesn't open and the reserve doesn't open either, how long until we hit the ground?" The instructor looked at him and said, "The rest of your life." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

08-14-21, 08:57 AM	#3165
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 180,992 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Q: Why did the one-armed man cross the road? A: To get to the second hand shop. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)