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Old 07-24-2021, 05:52 AM   #3136
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I received a letter from the IRS telling me that my tax return was outstanding


While I appreciated the complement, to be honest, I can't remember even sending my return to the IRS this year.
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Old 07-24-2021, 11:02 AM   #3137
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My wife and I watched The Perfect Murder together. Awesome movie, what disturbed me a little though was my wife constantly taking notes.
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Old 07-25-2021, 05:10 AM   #3138
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I got into a bit of trouble


I was in the elevator when this "well endowed" lady came in. My attention was ... focused.


Then she said "Please press one".......
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Old 07-25-2021, 12:23 PM   #3139
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Girlfriend and boyfriend are strolling through the city of Paris. Suddenly he sees a shooting star.

Boyfriend: “Look, a shooting star! Make a wish!”

Girlfriend: “I want to marry you!”

Boyfriend: “Huh, maybe it was just lightning.”
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Old 07-26-2021, 10:10 AM   #3140
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Famous last words of a bomb disposal expert?

"Yes, the red wire."
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Old 07-27-2021, 11:48 AM   #3141
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Doctor: “You look much worse than you did last week! I said you should smoke a maximum of five cigarettes a day!”

Patient: “And that’s what I did. And it wasn’t easy because up until now I didn’t smoke at all!”
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Old 07-28-2021, 08:49 AM   #3142
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Doctor, please, my son ate some cement. What can I do?

First of all, don't give him anything to drink.
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Old 07-29-2021, 09:29 AM   #3143
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Join the Army, meet some fascinating people, then kill them.
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Old 07-30-2021, 09:23 AM   #3144
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What is black and sticks to a tree?

A peeping tom after a forest fire.
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Old 07-30-2021, 09:45 PM   #3145
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I walked in the front door and my wife asked why I came home half drunk. I replied, I ran out of money.



When I read of the terrible dangers associated with excessive drinking, I gave up reading.
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Old 07-31-2021, 04:50 AM   #3146
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One man's trash is another man's treasure...

(Maybe this wasn’t the ideal way of telling our daughter that she was adopted…)
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Old 07-31-2021, 04:57 AM   #3147
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“Do you have Valentines cards that say something like “You’re my only one?”

Sure thing.

Wonderful! I’ll take 8 of those please.
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Old 08-01-2021, 09:37 AM   #3148
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I discovered my mother in law has weekly sessions with Lucifer himself on how to be even more vicious. I’ve no idea what kind of fees she’s charging him.
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Old 08-02-2021, 07:30 AM   #3149
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A mom tells her son a joke; the son is embarrassed and says: "Mom, please don't tell any more jokes. You really can't make them."

The mom only shrugs and says, "Well – I did make you..."
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Old 08-02-2021, 05:03 PM   #3150
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If you really think about it
Waffles are just pancakes with abs.
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