The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

A man visits a doctor for a checkup. When it’s over, the doctor tells him he has bad news. "You have only six months to live."

The man digests it for a while and then says, "There's just one thing I can do, I have to become a Communist."

Surprised, the doctor asks, "But you've been a patriotic American all your life, why would you become a Communist now?"

The man says, "Better when one of them dies than one of us!"

[Jimbuna]

Man is asked at the hospital:

How tall are you?

5'8’’, doctor.

I’m very sorry, but I’m not the doctor. I’m the carpenter.

[Jimbuna]

An artist asked the gallery manager if anybody asked about his paintings.

"Well, there’s good news and there’s bad news," said the owner. "The good one is that a gentleman liked your work and asked if its value would appreciate after your death. When I said yes, he bought all 20 of your paintings."

"But that’s fantastic," whooped the artist. "What could possibly be the bad news?"

"The gentleman was your doctor."

[Jimbuna]

Three kids are at a Zoo. They seem to be fighting near a wolf enclosure so an adult walks up to them and asks them their names and what they’re up to.

The first kid says his name is Ronnie and that he was simply trying to feed pickles to the wolves.

The second kid introduces herself as Libby and says she was also just trying to feed pickles to the wolves.

The third child introduces herself as Pickles.

[Jimbuna]

Teacher says: “With 8 billion people on Earth, that also means a lot of people die every minute. People are dying as we speak, with every breath I take.”

Little Johnny suggests: “Maybe you should try some mouthwash.“

[Jimbuna]

Attorney: “Why didn’t you help when your wife was being attacked and beaten by your neighbor?”
-
Defendant: “Well – it seemed to me he was doing just fine on his own!”

[Jimbuna]

Doctor: Mr. Rooseley, are you sure you really want to know your test results?

Patient: I’m dying to know.

Doctor: Well, funny you should say that...

[Jimbuna]

Two farmers are walking down a road when suddenly they’re passed by a headless biker.
Weird, but – well. They continue down the road. After a while they are passed by a headless bicyclist.
Hm. They walk on for a bit when one says to the other, “Joe, how about you put the scythe on your other shoulder?”

[Jimbuna]

Working in a bank is a very ungrateful job. A lady asks me to check her balance – so I push her over, they fire me.

[magic452]

An Irishman was flustered not being able to find a parking space in a large mall’s parking lot.

“Lord,” he prayed, “I can’t stand this. If you open space up for me, I swear I’ll give up drinking me whisky, and I promise to go to church every Sunday.”

Suddenly, the clouds parted, and the sun shone on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man said, “Never mind, I found one.”



Magic

[Jimbuna]

BREAKING NEWS

Man addicted to braking fluid says he can stop at any time.

[Jimbuna]

I tried sharing a sandwich with a homeless man on my way to work today.

But the meanie told me to go find my own.

[Jimbuna]

KID : Dad, what do condoms do?

DAD : Son, they prevent questions just like that one.

[Jimbuna]

I asked the stewardess to switch my seat on a plane because I was seated right next to a screaming baby.

Apparently that's not something they let you do if the baby is your own.

[Jimbuna]

I don’t understand why the authorities even bother to punish polygamy. Two mothers-in-law is already cruel enough.