The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

I should have been more suspicious when the Chinese guy offered to “wok my dog" for me…

[Jimbuna]

My wife divorced me recently because I’m a compulsive gambler. All I can think about now is how to win her back.

[Jimbuna]

We have a strange custom in our office. The food has names there. Yesterday for example I got a sandwich out of the fridge and its name was "Michael".

[Jimbuna]

I received another letter from some lawyer yesterday. It had “Final Notice” written on the envelope. Good. They won’t be bothering me anymore.

[Jimbuna]

Paul: “I’ve got problems with mathematics.”

Michael: “Me too.”

Eric: “Yeah, that makes four of us.”

[Jimbuna]

Police officer talks to a driver: Your tail light is broken, your tires must be exchanged and your bumper hangs halfway down. That will be 300 pounds.

Driver: Alright, go ahead. They want twice as much as that at the garage.

[Jimbuna]

A doctor asks his patient angrily, “Why did you send my bill back, unopened, Mr. Gunrick?”

Mr Gunrick explains, “But doctor, it was you who told me I must avoid any upsets and stress!”

[Jimbuna]

A guest calls the waiter and complains, “How come there are no chairs at our table?!”

The waiter shrugs, “I’m sorry but you only booked one table…”

[magic452]

Originally Posted by Jimbuna

A doctor asks his patient angrily, “Why did you send my bill back, unopened, Mr. Gunrick?”

Mr Gunrick explains, “But doctor, it was you who told me I must avoid any upsets and stress!”

A true story.
Many years ago I was having a lot of dental work done and the bills were pretty big.


When the Doctor sent a bill to me it came with a very small return envelope.
You had to fold a check in thirds to fit in it.


The next time he sent me a bill I went to the store and found some

small play money that just fit the envelope. I sent it to him.
The next time I saw that dentist that play money was attached to my chart.


Magic

[Jimbuna]

How many gorillas can fit into a car?

Eight.

How many chickens can fit into the car?

None, the car is already full of gorillas.

[GoldenRivet]

Originally Posted by magic452

A true story.
Many years ago I was having a lot of dental work done and the bills were pretty big.


When the Doctor sent a bill to me it came with a very small return envelope.
You had to fold a check in thirds to fit in it.


The next time he sent me a bill I went to the store and found some

small play money that just fit the envelope. I sent it to him.
The next time I saw that dentist that play money was attached to my chart.


Magic

I went to a new dentist, they give you a patient info packet to fill out with all the standard questions. i filled it out and gave it to the lady at the desk, she was entering my information into the computer and i heard her start laughing.

on the question "What is the reason for your visit today?"

i had written "My wife told me i had to, so i dont have any choice!"

[Jimbuna]

She: I have a doctor’s appointment today but I really don’t want to go…

He: Just call in sick then.

[magic452]

While we're on the subject.

Years ago I was refinancing my home.
The finance co. wanted to know about a nearly $15,000.00 deposit in my bank account. It was just that I received payment for a lot of invoices that week.

So I typed out an official looking letter with all the appropriate headings, etc.
It said that the funds were from a small but profitable drug deal that I snuck past the DEA.

She cracked up and than showed the letter to everybody in the office.

Magic

[Jimbuna]

Everybody knows 40 is the new 30, right? But the police officer giving me a speeding ticket couldn’t be persuaded.

[Jimbuna]

Police officer: “Your car is too heavily overloaded. I simply cannot let you continue like that. I’m going to have to take away your driver’s license.”

Driver: “You’re kidding me, right? The license can only weigh one ounce tops!”