The joke thread II - Page 116

Jimbuna · 04-24-20, 08:04 AM

Just had a really big argument with my wife about going on holiday. I wanted to go to Paris, she wanted to come with me.

Jimbuna · 04-24-20, 08:07 AM

After visiting our house my mother-in-law got ambushed by 6 men who starting punching her. My wife shouted “Are you gonna help?”, I said “6 should be enough!”

Jimbuna · 04-25-20, 11:05 AM

Found out recently that my wife had an affair with a midget.

I can’t believe she would stoop so low.

Jimbuna · 04-25-20, 11:12 AM

Every year charities spend millions trying to end hunger and nothing ever changes. Maybe it’s time to accept the facts. If you live in the middle of a desert and the nearest supermarket is hundreds of miles away MOVE SOMEWHERE ELSE!!

Jeff-Groves · 04-25-20, 11:21 AM

Wanted to have Kentucky pancakes for breakfast today but lost the recipe!
Anyone know how much Jack Daniels I need to add?

Jeff-Groves · 04-25-20, 11:40 AM

My Cousin invited me over for some Russian Potato Soup yesterday.
I woke up naked in a plowed field a mile from his house.
Seems Russian Potato Soup is what he calls Vodka!

Platapus · 04-26-20, 07:29 AM

Why am I the only one naked at the gender reveal party?

Jimbuna · 04-26-20, 08:47 AM

I never realized how common Tourettes syndrome was until I got a job as a traffic warden.

Jimbuna · 04-26-20, 08:51 AM

Just seen a documentary about Jesus on youtube. Some of the stories women come up with to cover up having an affair and getting pregnant are incredible.

Jimbuna · 04-27-20, 11:47 AM

Did you hear about the wheat farmer who got arrested by the police? Apparently he was a CEREAL killer.

Jimbuna · 04-27-20, 11:49 AM

My doctor told me today I need to watch my drinking. I now drink in front of a mirror.

Jimbuna · 04-28-20, 11:52 AM

Went to the doctors today to get a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine I don’t need one.

Jimbuna · 04-28-20, 11:54 AM

Just been diagnosed with diabetes. I’m beginning to have doubts about Dr Pepper’s medical qualifications.

Mr Quatro · 04-28-20, 11:38 PM

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly father to a nursing home and leaves him, hoping he will be well cared for.

The next morning, the nurses bathe him, feed him a tasty breakfast, and set him in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

He seems OK, but after a while he slowly starts to fall over sideways in his chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch him and straighten him up.

Again he seems OK, but after a while he starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring him back upright.
This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the their father is adjusting to his new home.

“So Pa, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?” they ask.

“It’s pretty nice,” he replies. “Except they won’t let you fart”

Jimbuna · 04-29-20, 06:57 AM

I used to make a lot of money in houses but then the police tracked me down and confiscated my printing press.

04-24-20, 08:04 AM	#1726
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 180,962 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Just had a really big argument with my wife about going on holiday. I wanted to go to Paris, she wanted to come with me. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

04-24-20, 08:07 AM	#1727
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 180,962 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	After visiting our house my mother-in-law got ambushed by 6 men who starting punching her. My wife shouted “Are you gonna help?”, I said “6 should be enough!” __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

04-25-20, 11:05 AM	#1728
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 180,962 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Found out recently that my wife had an affair with a midget. I can’t believe she would stoop so low. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

04-25-20, 11:12 AM	#1729
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 180,962 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Every year charities spend millions trying to end hunger and nothing ever changes. Maybe it’s time to accept the facts. If you live in the middle of a desert and the nearest supermarket is hundreds of miles away MOVE SOMEWHERE ELSE!! __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

04-25-20, 11:21 AM	#1730
Jeff-Groves Village Idiot Join Date: Sep 2014 Posts: 5,319 Downloads: 130 Uploads: 0	Wanted to have Kentucky pancakes for breakfast today but lost the recipe! Anyone know how much Jack Daniels I need to add? __________________ I don't do Stupid. So don't ask.

04-25-20, 11:40 AM	#1731
Jeff-Groves Village Idiot Join Date: Sep 2014 Posts: 5,319 Downloads: 130 Uploads: 0	My Cousin invited me over for some Russian Potato Soup yesterday. I woke up naked in a plowed field a mile from his house. Seems Russian Potato Soup is what he calls Vodka! __________________ I don't do Stupid. So don't ask.

04-26-20, 07:29 AM	#1732
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 18,928 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	Why am I the only one naked at the gender reveal party? __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

04-26-20, 08:47 AM	#1733
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 180,962 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I never realized how common Tourettes syndrome was until I got a job as a traffic warden. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

04-26-20, 08:51 AM	#1734
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 180,962 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Just seen a documentary about Jesus on youtube. Some of the stories women come up with to cover up having an affair and getting pregnant are incredible. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

04-27-20, 11:47 AM	#1735
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 180,962 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Did you hear about the wheat farmer who got arrested by the police? Apparently he was a CEREAL killer. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

04-27-20, 11:49 AM	#1736
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 180,962 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	My doctor told me today I need to watch my drinking. I now drink in front of a mirror. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

04-28-20, 11:52 AM	#1737
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 180,962 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Went to the doctors today to get a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine I don’t need one. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

04-28-20, 11:54 AM	#1738
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 180,962 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Just been diagnosed with diabetes. I’m beginning to have doubts about Dr Pepper’s medical qualifications. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

04-28-20, 11:38 PM	#1739
Mr Quatro Navy Seal Join Date: May 2013 Posts: 6,772 Downloads: 0 Uploads: 0	One evening a family brings their frail, elderly father to a nursing home and leaves him, hoping he will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe him, feed him a tasty breakfast, and set him in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. He seems OK, but after a while he slowly starts to fall over sideways in his chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch him and straighten him up. Again he seems OK, but after a while he starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring him back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the their father is adjusting to his new home. “So Pa, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?” they ask. “It’s pretty nice,” he replies. “Except they won’t let you fart” __________________ pla•teau noun a relatively stable level, period, or condition a level of attainment or achievement Lord help me get to the next plateau ..

04-29-20, 06:57 AM	#1740
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 180,962 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I used to make a lot of money in houses but then the police tracked me down and confiscated my printing press. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)