The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

“Mom, don't get alarmed, but I’m at the hospital.”

“Son, please. You’ve been a surgeon there for 8 years now. Can we start our phone calls differently?”

[Jimbuna]

An eskimo brings his friend to his home for a visit. When they arrive, his friend asks, puzzled – “So where’s your igloo?”

“Oh no, I must’ve left the iron on…”

[Jimbuna]

In a boutique:

Could I try the dress in the shop window, please?

I’m sorry madam but no. We have cabins for that.

[Platapus]

Originally Posted by fireftr18

I resemble that remark.
Did you know 64% of statistics are made up on the spot?

72.36% of statistics used on the Internets Tubes have false precision

[Jimbuna]

Mother: Eat your bread.

Child: I don’t like bread. Why do I have to eat the bread.

Mother: So you become big and strong.

Child: Why do I have to become big and strong?

Mother: So you can provide the daily bread to your family.

Child: But I don’t like bread!

[Jimbuna]

A guy calls the fire department and yells excitedly: “You have to come, now, there’s a fire!”

“OK sir, but please tell us how do we get to you.”

The man asks, puzzled: “What, you don’t have them big red trucks anymore?”

[Jimbuna]

Life Hack:

If you’re tired of waiting at a restaurant, just call their number and ask if they also deliver to table 16.

[Jimbuna]

Hello doctor, can you look at my laptop?

Why?

It looks like it caught a virus.

[Jimbuna]

Paul to Jane: Would you like to be my girlfriend?

Jane: That’s a bit direct. Can’t you come up with something more beautiful?

Paul: I tried, but they didn’t want to.

[Jimbuna]

The local minister sees that every morning, some apples on his tree are missing. He makes a sign:

God sees everything.

The next morning, somebody writes under it: Yes, but he’s not a snitch.

[Catfish]

"There is no irish border. There is a british border in Ireland.
Ireland's border is the sea."

[Jimbuna]

A man goes to the doctor and says, ‘Doctor, I poop every morning at seven. What should I do?’. The doctor tells him not to worry, that most people would love to be that regular.

‘But wait’, the man says, ‘I wake up at 7:30….’

[Jimbuna]

An old guy in his Volvo is driving home from work when his wife rings him on his cell phone.

"Honey," she says in a worried voice, "please be careful. There was a bit on the news just now, some lunatic is driving the wrong way down the highway."

"Oh it's worse than that," he replies, "there are hundreds of them!"

[Jimbuna]

Two clairvoyants meet. One says to the other: “You are fine, and how am I?

[Jimbuna]

Two days ago, my friend Peter ran off with my wife.”

“Oh no, how long have you been friends?”

“Since two days ago.”