The joke thread II - Page 155

Jimbuna · 09-22-20, 12:34 PM

Heard on the radio today that bad drivers are gonna be getting £100 fines. Seems a bit sexist.

Platapus · 09-22-20, 04:46 PM

I told the bank teller that I wanted to open up an account.

She said "whatever"

The bank was offering zero interest checking accounts.

Jimbuna · 09-23-20, 09:47 AM

Just had the following conversation with my boss.

Me: “Sorry I’m not coming in today. Got chickenpox.”
Boss: “Don’t give me that!”
Me: “I won’t. I’m not coming in.”

Eichhörnchen · 09-23-20, 11:30 AM

Old man (Subsim member) to his doctor: "Doctor, I take a crap every morning at 8 o'clock"

Doctor to old man: "That's good, so what's the matter?"

Old man: "I wake up at 9 o'clock"

Jimbuna · 09-24-20, 06:14 AM

Last night my girlfriend asked me to name all the women I’ve slept with. I probably should have stopped when I got to her.

Platapus · 09-24-20, 10:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jimbuna

Last night my girlfriend asked me to name all the women I’ve slept with. I probably should have stopped when I got to her.

Variation

I asked my wife how many men has she "been" with.
She said five
I told her that being number 5 was not too bad

She told me I was number 3

fml

Jimbuna · 09-24-20, 11:38 AM

I had a job interview yesterday and I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little.

The interviewer asked “Are you nervous?”
I replied, “No, I always give 110%.”

Jimbuna · 09-25-20, 12:34 PM

Yesterday I asked my daughter for a newspaper and she passed me an iPad because apparently newspapers are “old school”. She was right, the fly didn’t stand a chance.

Jimbuna · 09-25-20, 12:38 PM

The worst part about getting fired from my job at the unemployment office was that I still had to show up the next day.

Jimbuna · 09-26-20, 05:26 AM

Last night my girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed…

2 minutes later she told me all the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

Jimbuna · 09-26-20, 11:28 AM

Just seen two men walking together wearing matching clothes. I asked them if they were gay and they arrested me.

Jimbuna · 09-27-20, 01:29 PM

My wife left a note on the fridge this morning saying “This is not working, goodbye”. Just opened the fridge and it’s working fine, very strange!

Jimbuna · 09-27-20, 01:30 PM

Just found out that I’m colourblind…

The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

Jimbuna · 09-28-20, 12:18 PM

Fun idea. If you have no kids hire a babysitter anyway and tell them the kids are asleep upstairs and not to be disturbed. When you come home ask them why the kids are missing.

Jimbuna · 09-28-20, 12:19 PM

Last night I was gonna surprise my Korean Wife with a romantic meal but someone let the cat out of the bag.

09-22-20, 12:34 PM	#2311
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 180,992 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Heard on the radio today that bad drivers are gonna be getting £100 fines. Seems a bit sexist. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

09-22-20, 04:46 PM	#2312
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 18,928 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	I told the bank teller that I wanted to open up an account. She said "whatever" The bank was offering zero interest checking accounts. __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

09-23-20, 09:47 AM	#2313
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 180,992 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Just had the following conversation with my boss. Me: “Sorry I’m not coming in today. Got chickenpox.” Boss: “Don’t give me that!” Me: “I won’t. I’m not coming in.” __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

09-23-20, 11:30 AM	#2314
Eichhörnchen Starte das Auto Join Date: Aug 2014 Location: The Fens Posts: 15,740 Downloads: 5 Uploads: 0	Old man (Subsim member) to his doctor: "Doctor, I take a crap every morning at 8 o'clock" Doctor to old man: "That's good, so what's the matter?" Old man: "I wake up at 9 o'clock" __________________

09-24-20, 06:14 AM	#2315
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 180,992 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Last night my girlfriend asked me to name all the women I’ve slept with. I probably should have stopped when I got to her. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

09-24-20, 11:38 AM	#2317
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 180,992 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I had a job interview yesterday and I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little. The interviewer asked “Are you nervous?” I replied, “No, I always give 110%.” __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

09-25-20, 12:34 PM	#2318
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 180,992 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Yesterday I asked my daughter for a newspaper and she passed me an iPad because apparently newspapers are “old school”. She was right, the fly didn’t stand a chance. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

09-25-20, 12:38 PM	#2319
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 180,992 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	The worst part about getting fired from my job at the unemployment office was that I still had to show up the next day. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

09-26-20, 05:26 AM	#2320
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 180,992 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Last night my girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed… 2 minutes later she told me all the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

09-26-20, 11:28 AM	#2321
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 180,992 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Just seen two men walking together wearing matching clothes. I asked them if they were gay and they arrested me. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

09-27-20, 01:29 PM	#2322
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 180,992 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	My wife left a note on the fridge this morning saying “This is not working, goodbye”. Just opened the fridge and it’s working fine, very strange! __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

09-27-20, 01:30 PM	#2323
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 180,992 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Just found out that I’m colourblind… The diagnosis came completely out of the purple. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

09-28-20, 12:18 PM	#2324
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 180,992 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Fun idea. If you have no kids hire a babysitter anyway and tell them the kids are asleep upstairs and not to be disturbed. When you come home ask them why the kids are missing. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

09-28-20, 12:19 PM	#2325
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 180,992 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Last night I was gonna surprise my Korean Wife with a romantic meal but someone let the cat out of the bag. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)