The joke thread II - Page 139

Jimbuna · 07-06-20, 10:45 AM

They told me to wear a mask and gloves when going to the store.

They lied… Everyone else had clothes on.

Jimbuna · 07-06-20, 10:47 AM

Discovered yesterday I have liftophobia, fear of lifts. I’m taking steps to avoid them.

Platapus · 07-06-20, 11:02 AM

I once ate a peanut butter sandwich while standing on my head

My tongue stuck to the bottom of my mouth!

Platapus · 07-06-20, 11:03 AM

Speaking of which

Peanut Butter is sticky
Tomato Paste is slippery

Should it not be called Peanut Paste and Tomato Butter?

Eisenwurst · 07-06-20, 11:23 PM

"How do you catch a Polar Bear?"

You cut a hole in the ice, sprinkle peas around it, and when a Polar Bear comes along for a pea, you kick him in the Ice hole.

Catfish · 07-07-20, 01:35 AM

^ This is ... such a good idea

Jimbuna · 07-07-20, 11:24 AM

My wife asked me, “What did you buy me for valentines day?”
“Well,” I chuckled. “You see that pink Mercedes over there?”
“Yes,” she said happily.
“Well I bought you a toothbrush the same colour.”

Jimbuna · 07-07-20, 11:27 AM

My dog minton has eaten all the shuttlecocks.

Badminton

Platapus · 07-07-20, 11:35 AM

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?" Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base.

They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane... Only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

Platapus · 07-07-20, 11:46 AM

When Napoleon Bonaparte led his army into battle, he wore a red uniform so that, if he was wounded, the blood would not show and his troops would not lose their nerve.

Question: Do you know why Navy officers and Chiefs wear brown trousers?

Platapus · 07-08-20, 09:09 AM

“Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.”
― Groucho Marx

Jimbuna · 07-08-20, 10:43 AM

If someone sends you a link called ‘free porn’ dont opin it. It is a birus wich deactivates your spelcheck and fcuks up you riting. I also receibed it but lukily I dont uatch porn so I dint opin it. Plaese warm yu frends, tanks.

Jimbuna · 07-08-20, 10:45 AM

I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.

Texas Red · 07-08-20, 11:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jimbuna

If someone sends you a link called ‘free porn’ dont opin it. It is a birus wich deactivates your spelcheck and fcuks up you riting. I also receibed it but lukily I dont uatch porn so I dint opin it. Plaese warm yu frends, tanks.

A drill sergeant grumbles at his fresh young trainee, “I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning, Private.”
“Thank you very much, Sir,” replies the soldier.

Jimbuna · 07-09-20, 09:54 AM

The level of pollution in the world today is becoming unbearable. I feel ashamed to be human. Only the other day I opened a can of sardines to find it was full of oil and all the fish were dead.

07-06-20, 10:45 AM	#2071
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 180,992 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	They told me to wear a mask and gloves when going to the store. They lied… Everyone else had clothes on. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

07-06-20, 10:47 AM	#2072
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 180,992 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Discovered yesterday I have liftophobia, fear of lifts. I’m taking steps to avoid them. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

07-06-20, 11:02 AM	#2073
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 18,928 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	I once ate a peanut butter sandwich while standing on my head My tongue stuck to the bottom of my mouth! __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

07-06-20, 11:03 AM	#2074
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 18,928 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	Speaking of which Peanut Butter is sticky Tomato Paste is slippery Should it not be called Peanut Paste and Tomato Butter? __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

07-06-20, 11:23 PM	#2075
Eisenwurst Silent Hunter Join Date: Jan 2010 Posts: 3,585 Downloads: 58 Uploads: 0	"How do you catch a Polar Bear?" You cut a hole in the ice, sprinkle peas around it, and when a Polar Bear comes along for a pea, you kick him in the Ice hole. __________________

07-07-20, 01:35 AM	#2076
Catfish Dipped Squirrel Operative Join Date: Sep 2001 Location: ..where the ocean meets the sky Posts: 16,892 Downloads: 38 Uploads: 0	^ This is ... such a good idea __________________ >^..^<*)))>{ All generalizations are wrong.

07-07-20, 11:24 AM	#2077
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 180,992 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	My wife asked me, “What did you buy me for valentines day?” “Well,” I chuckled. “You see that pink Mercedes over there?” “Yes,” she said happily. “Well I bought you a toothbrush the same colour.” __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

07-07-20, 11:27 AM	#2078
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 180,992 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	My dog minton has eaten all the shuttlecocks. Badminton __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

07-07-20, 11:35 AM	#2079
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 18,928 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?" Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way. The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane... Only this time there were two people in the plane. The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!" __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

07-07-20, 11:46 AM	#2080
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 18,928 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	When Napoleon Bonaparte led his army into battle, he wore a red uniform so that, if he was wounded, the blood would not show and his troops would not lose their nerve. Question: Do you know why Navy officers and Chiefs wear brown trousers? __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

07-08-20, 09:09 AM	#2081
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 18,928 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	“Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.” ― Groucho Marx __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

07-08-20, 10:43 AM	#2082
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 180,992 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	If someone sends you a link called ‘free porn’ dont opin it. It is a birus wich deactivates your spelcheck and fcuks up you riting. I also receibed it but lukily I dont uatch porn so I dint opin it. Plaese warm yu frends, tanks. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

07-08-20, 10:45 AM	#2083
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 180,992 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

07-09-20, 09:54 AM	#2085
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 180,992 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	The level of pollution in the world today is becoming unbearable. I feel ashamed to be human. Only the other day I opened a can of sardines to find it was full of oil and all the fish were dead. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)