Subsim Fantasy Football Reports

[Gut Wrench]

Two weeks ago I'd been lying in wake in the depth of the Atlantic, embedded with the Kreigsmarine during what they called "the happy times". A codded message had come through and I'd been left behind at a milchcow, to be picked up by army transport. For a week I criss crossed oceans and frontlines, slowly making my way to the America seaboard, and then, inland to Las Vegas.

The assignment: cover a new outbreak of the submarine war. I had to check my atlas first, but sure enough, my informants were correct, the Nevada desert was about to erupt, before it would spread across the nation and international borders, to become an intense 16 week fight for some, while others would have to slog it out until late January.

The Subsimmers were coming, and had moved into the fantasy football league.

Commissioner McBee had bought out the Las Vegas MGM Grand for the draft, and spared no expense at accommodating the new arrivals. There was some concern that the valets may not be able to park the Type VII's, but Donald Trump was able to secure nearby parking at no cost to the League.

I arrived the night before, and the League saw to it that all the media were treated like kings. Roman Kings, the girls from Ceasers more then happy to join a few of the celebrities in a late night toga party. In the morning though, it was all business, as the 16 team owners arrived, with their accompanying entourage, staked their place at reserved tables, an open bar tab, and the draft being carried live on Subsim TV.

In true dynamic fashion, the opening was resplendent, including a fly over by the Thunderbirds. The indoor pyrotechnic show went off, and from the showering flames, emerged the Commissioner to a standing ovation.

A mix up in press credentials had me sitting beside Pat Summerall and John Madden, doing the special broadcast for SubSim TV. The opportunity was too great to resist, and when I asked John, he said "the bus was late getting in, but there was no way I would miss this draft." Later in the broadcast, he began drawing circles on the TV, so they cut to a commercial.

Behind the owners at their tables, sat the many former, current, and upcoming stars of the NFL. Even the prison team had their own table, with everyone in a three piece orange suite, with Michael Vick honorary Captain of the team that included Plexico Burress.

After the formalities, the Commissioner moved aside and retired to his table complete with the finalists from Miss Boston Terrier. And suddenly, we were down to business.

There were no surprises with the first few drafts, the purple Jesus Adrian Peterson, Maurice Two Dads, and Larry Fitzgerald going early. LT was drafted by one of the international teams, but otherwise, the opening round went by the numbers.

The second round was a mixed bag, with WR and RB being traded among the first QB pick of Drew Brees. Following the obligatory "Go Daddy" wet tshirt competition, it was late in round 4 before the surprises begun. The value of a TE rose to match QB status, and from the second level of the car park, you could hear the howls of glee as the Detroit Lions defensive team were picked. (Their table had been moved out there to make way for extra vacant space on the draft floor.)

Strategists and owners conversed as each player was selected, amid the occasional "Oh crap" and "Damm, I was just going to pick him." Surprisingly, one owner even quiped that there was no way he would draft anyone from Satan's Team, not two minutes before selecting a Cowboy.

Jason Elam was the first kicker selected, as the bench players started to saddle up, collecting their new uniforms, and be paraded for photographers. Not many left the draft early, and some of the players stayed on afterward in attempts to increase their value.

At the end of the day, the largest SubSim League Draft ever was over, and the owners returned to their respective rooms, accompanied by Hooters, Go Daddy and other "wannabe seen with you" girls entourage, to plot out, the forthcoming 16 week war.

For the SubSim network, Gut Wrench, Las Vegas, Nevada.