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Old 09-26-2021, 07:45 AM   #3226
Jimbuna
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Is there a better way to start your day than waking up in a loving embrace of another human being?

Unless you’re in prison, of course.
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Old 09-27-2021, 01:27 PM   #3227
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What is the worst combination of illnesses?

Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running, but can’t remember where.
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Old 09-27-2021, 04:46 PM   #3228
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Once a friend of mine went to mime school
We never heard from him again
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Old 09-28-2021, 06:00 AM   #3229
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Sparkly water was invented by the Germans. Who else would think of adding gas?
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Old 09-29-2021, 02:26 PM   #3230
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A guy asks, “How big do penguins get?”

His colleague says, “Not much bigger than 4 feet.”

The guy scratches his head, “Ok, in that case I guess I ran over a nun on the way to work.”
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Old 09-30-2021, 12:09 PM   #3231
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Patient: "Doctor! Doctor! Help me - I cannot feel my legs!"

Doctor: "Don’t panic, that’s perfectly normal. It’s because I amputated your arms!"
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Old 10-01-2021, 04:06 AM   #3232
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Caring for the environment..

The end of petrol and Diesel cars in the UK was scheduled for 2030.

This has now been brought forward to wednesday.
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Old 10-01-2021, 01:02 PM   #3233
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Congratulations on your 60th birthday! At last you can live undisturbed by life insurance agents!
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Old 10-01-2021, 04:50 PM   #3234
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I just invented a new word
Plagiarism
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Old 10-02-2021, 12:39 PM   #3235
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When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on.
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Old 10-03-2021, 05:05 AM   #3236
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Every frozen corpse on Mount Everest was a highly motivated individual who tried to pursue his or her dream.


Something to consider.
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Old 10-03-2021, 09:30 AM   #3237
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A patient talks to his doctor, “I really can't decide between having this operation or facing certain death without it…”

The doctor tries to help, “You know, with a bit of luck, you could have both.”
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Old 10-04-2021, 01:19 PM   #3238
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Why did Lisa fall of the swing?

Because she had no arms.

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Well, not Lisa, that’s for sure.
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Old 10-05-2021, 03:59 PM   #3239
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Me at 17 years old...


Me: Mom, I would like to introduce my new girl friend, Mary


Mom: hmmph, you really could not do better than this?


Me: Mom! That's rude!


Mom: I was not talking to you, son.



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Old 10-06-2021, 09:39 AM   #3240
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I want a divorce!

But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.

I guess you are right. Very well, go ahead and drink up the tea I made for you.
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