The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

A dog walks into a butcher shop and the butcher asks, “What do you want?” The dog points to steak in a glass case. “How many pounds?” The dog barks twice. “Anything else?” The dog points to some pork chops and barks four times. So the butcher wraps up a two-pound steak and four pork chops, and places the bag in the dog’s mouth. He then takes money from a purse tied around the dog’s neck, and sees him out. A customer, who has been watching in amazement, follows the dog to a house several blocks away, where it rings the doorbell to be let in. As the owner appears at the door, the customer says, “What a remarkable dog!” “Remarkable?” snorts the owner. “This is the second time this week he’s forgotten his keys.”

[Jimbuna]

A man boards a plane and is seated next to an Air Marshall and his ‘sniffing dog’. Soon, the plane takes off and the Marshall says, “Sniffer, search.” The dog walks along the aisle, and stops next to a woman. He then returns to his seat and puts a paw on the Marshall’s arm.

“Good boy,” says the Marshall.

“What happened?” asks the man.

“That woman is in possession of marijuana. We’ll arrest her when we land.”

Once again, Sniffer searches the aisles. He stops beside a man, then returns to his seat, and places two paws on the Marshall’s arm.

“That man is carrying cocaine,” the Marshall explains.

The dog walks up the aisle again, then races back, jumps into his seat, and poops all over it.

“What’s going on?!” demands the man.

The Marshall nervously replies, “He just found a bomb!”

[Jimbuna]

Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse's mouth?

A: A mechanic.

[Jimbuna]

My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.

[Catfish]

^ Wouldn't that be a web designer?

[Platapus]

"I'm seeing spots before my eyes"


"Are you seeing a doctor?"


"no, just those spots so far"

[Jimbuna]

Originally Posted by Catfish

^ Wouldn't that be a web designer?

[Jimbuna]

A zookeeper is ordering new 
animals. As he fills out the forms, he types “two mongeese.” That doesn’t look right, so he tries “two mongoose,” then “two mongooses.” Giving up, he types, “One mongoose, and while you’re at it, send another one.”

[Eisenwurst]

Mickey Mouse gets rushed to hospital with a broken knee.

The doctor says "which one?".

Mickey says.........."Dis Knee".

[Von Due]

Woman in the hospital lobby: I'm here for an appointment.
The receptionist: Which doctor?
Woman: No, a regular one.

[Eisenwurst]

Why did Mickey Mouse leave home?

'Cause his dad was a rat.

[Platapus]

Judge: I am sorry, Mr. Mouse, but I can't grant you a divorce from Minnie based on your claim that Minnie is insane


Micky Mouse: Your honor, I did not say that Minnie was insane, I said that Minnie was f-ing Goofy!

[Jimbuna]

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers.

[Jimbuna]

A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"

[Eisenwurst]

Why'd Mickey Mouse leave home??

'Cause he couldn't stand his Old Cheese. ( Aussie slang for Mum. )