The joke thread II - Page 104

Jimbuna · 02-14-20, 10:54 AM

Just had the following conversation at the airport

Security: Do you mind if we search your luggage?
Me: It depends, what are you looking for?
Security: Drugs
Me: Well in that case, no!

Jimbuna · 02-14-20, 10:55 AM

Stayed up all night trying to remember if I have amnesia or insomnia.

Jimbuna · 02-15-20, 09:56 AM

Conor McGregor walks into a bar and says, “I’ll take a couple of shots please.” The barman says, “You didn’t take them very well on Saturday”

Jimbuna · 02-15-20, 09:58 AM

Just got a pizza delivered and they forgot to put mozzarella on it. I’m really cheesed off.

magic452 · 02-16-20, 02:34 AM

Bob was sitting on the plane, waiting to fly to Baltimore, when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, obviously in fear. "What's the matter," Bob asked, "flying bother you?"

"No, I've been transferred to Baltimore. I've heard things are terrible there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate in the nation."

Bob replied, "I've lived in Baltimore all my life. It's not as bad as the media say. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as you want to make it."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking. He said, "Oh, thank you! I've been worried to death. But if you live there, and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a tail-gunner on a Budweiser truck."

Magic

Jimbuna · 02-16-20, 09:21 AM

Just signed a £250,000 per week contract to play for Manchester United.

I just need to get them to sign it now.

Jimbuna · 02-16-20, 09:23 AM

Interviewer: What’s your main weakness and strength?
Me: Well my main weakness is knowing the difference between truth and fiction.
Interviewer: And your strength?
Me: My main strength is that I’m Batman!

Jimbuna · 02-17-20, 02:31 PM

Last night a cinema near me was robbed of over £1000.

The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, two large drinks and a pack of Skittles.

Jimbuna · 02-17-20, 02:31 PM

Most people are shocked when they find out…

I’m a self-taught electrician.

Jimbuna · 02-17-20, 02:33 PM

I’m going through a divorce at the moment and my wife told me she is going to make sure that my bank balance is £0…
That’s nice of her, paying off my debts.

Eisenwurst · 02-18-20, 02:52 AM

How can you tell what clan a scotsman belongs to???

Check under his kilt, if he's got a quarter pounder, he's a Mcdonalds.

Jimbuna · 02-18-20, 03:16 PM

My Doctor has advised me to start running. I’m not ill or anything, I’ve just been sleeping with his wife.

Rockstar · 02-19-20, 01:24 PM

What one atom said to the other: "I think I lost an electron!" "Really!" the other replied, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I 'm absolutely positive."

Jimbuna · 02-19-20, 01:30 PM

I don’t understand Christians. They say that gambling is wrong, then bet their entire life on heaven being real.

Jimbuna · 02-19-20, 01:33 PM

If you want to change the world do it while you’re single.
Once you get married you can’t even change the TV channel.

02-14-20, 10:54 AM	#1546
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,120 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Just had the following conversation at the airport Security: Do you mind if we search your luggage? Me: It depends, what are you looking for? Security: Drugs Me: Well in that case, no! __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

02-14-20, 10:55 AM	#1547
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,120 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Stayed up all night trying to remember if I have amnesia or insomnia. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

02-15-20, 09:56 AM	#1548
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,120 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Conor McGregor walks into a bar and says, “I’ll take a couple of shots please.” The barman says, “You didn’t take them very well on Saturday” __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

02-15-20, 09:58 AM	#1549
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,120 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Just got a pizza delivered and they forgot to put mozzarella on it. I’m really cheesed off. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

02-16-20, 02:34 AM	#1550
magic452 Sea Lord Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Reno Nevada USA Posts: 1,860 Downloads: 85 Uploads: 0	Bob was sitting on the plane, waiting to fly to Baltimore, when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, obviously in fear. "What's the matter," Bob asked, "flying bother you?" "No, I've been transferred to Baltimore. I've heard things are terrible there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate in the nation." Bob replied, "I've lived in Baltimore all my life. It's not as bad as the media say. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as you want to make it." The guy relaxed and stopped shaking. He said, "Oh, thank you! I've been worried to death. But if you live there, and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?" "I'm a tail-gunner on a Budweiser truck." Magic __________________ Reported lost 11 Feb. 1942 Signature by depthtok33l

02-16-20, 09:21 AM	#1551
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,120 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Just signed a £250,000 per week contract to play for Manchester United. I just need to get them to sign it now. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

02-16-20, 09:23 AM	#1552
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,120 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Interviewer: What’s your main weakness and strength? Me: Well my main weakness is knowing the difference between truth and fiction. Interviewer: And your strength? Me: My main strength is that I’m Batman! __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

02-17-20, 02:31 PM	#1553
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,120 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Last night a cinema near me was robbed of over £1000. The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, two large drinks and a pack of Skittles. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

02-17-20, 02:31 PM	#1554
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,120 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Most people are shocked when they find out… I’m a self-taught electrician. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

02-17-20, 02:33 PM	#1555
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,120 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I’m going through a divorce at the moment and my wife told me she is going to make sure that my bank balance is £0… That’s nice of her, paying off my debts. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

02-18-20, 02:52 AM	#1556
Eisenwurst Silent Hunter Join Date: Jan 2010 Posts: 3,596 Downloads: 58 Uploads: 0	How can you tell what clan a scotsman belongs to??? Check under his kilt, if he's got a quarter pounder, he's a Mcdonalds. __________________

02-18-20, 03:16 PM	#1557
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,120 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	My Doctor has advised me to start running. I’m not ill or anything, I’ve just been sleeping with his wife. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

02-19-20, 01:24 PM	#1558
Rockstar Rear Admiral Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Zendia Bar & Grill Posts: 11,830 Downloads: 10 Uploads: 0	What one atom said to the other: "I think I lost an electron!" "Really!" the other replied, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I 'm absolutely positive." __________________ Guardian of the honey and nuts Let's assume I'm right, it'll save time.

02-19-20, 01:30 PM	#1559
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,120 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I don’t understand Christians. They say that gambling is wrong, then bet their entire life on heaven being real. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

02-19-20, 01:33 PM	#1560
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,120 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	If you want to change the world do it while you’re single. Once you get married you can’t even change the TV channel. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)