The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

What’s the difference between inlaws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.

[Jimbuna]

Just found out that the guy who painted the Mona lisa, Leonard O’davinchy is actually Italian and not Irish.

[Jimbuna]

After having a problem with alcohol I’ve now decided I’m only going to drink on days beginning with the letter T… Tuesday. Thursday, today, tomorrow Taturday and Sunday.

[Jimbuna]

According to a recent survey young kids are apparently the most annoying airline passengers.

I would have thought it might be terrorists.

[Jimbuna]

Just had the following conversation in a restaurant.

Waiter: Can I take your order sir, kids eat free today.
Me: Oh, well in that case i’ll just have a glass of water and my son will have the grilled lobster,a 15oz steak and a small bottle of champagne please.

[Jimbuna]

My wife loves to role-play in bed. She usually pretends to be a coma patient.

[Jimbuna]

Spent the whole of last night sitting in bed thinking about the sun and where it comes from …. and then it dawned on me.

[Platapus]

A guy threw a jar of mayonnaise at me. I said "What the Hellmans"?


People in California think that is one of the Best Foods puns out there.

[Jimbuna]

I’ll never forget my 1st week as a detective, it was terrifying. I kept seeing ghosts at every crime scene but then I found out they actually use white blankets to cover the dead.

[Jimbuna]

Just had the following conversation with a police man after speeding.

Police: Do you know why I pulled you over for speeding?
Me: Is it because it would have been too windy to speak while we were driving?

[Jimbuna]

A scientific survey recently revealed a horrifying statistic that 25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness. That means that 75% of women are running around untreated!

[Jimbuna]

Can’t believe how much my TV lies. Put my pet turtles in the microwave earlier today and they still can’t do any Karate.

[Platapus]

My wife and I were talking about whether we should have another child


We decided that one child was enough


Now we have to figure out what to do with our second child.

[magic452]

A tourist is walking through Chinatown and he is excited by all the businesses, stores and signs in the Chinese language.
As he turns a corner he sees a sign that reads, "Hans Olafson's Laundry."
Curious, he goes inside and sees an elderly Chinese man behind the counter and asks about the name of the laundry

The elderly man answers that it's the name of the owner.
The tourist asks how a Chinese laundry came about with that name.
The Chinese man answers, "When I came through Immigration the man in front of me was asked his name.
The man in front of me answered, 'Hans Olafson'.

When it was my turn to give my name, I told them, Sem Ting"


Magic

[Jimbuna]

A Saudi prince recently requested that naked statues be covered up while visiting Rome. Apparently his 9 year old wife found them offensive.