The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

The love of your life.

Liar! Chocolate can’t speak!

[Jimbuna]

A detective asks a woman, "So, your husband hanged himself?" Woman replies, "Yes, that is correct." The suspicious detective continues, "But why does he have all those bruises on his head?"

"The old fool used an elastic rope!"

[Jimbuna]

I’m certain there are female hormones in beer. When I drink too much, I talk nonsense and I cannot control my car.

[Jimbuna]

A man noticed his credit card has been stolen - but he never reported it because the thief was still spending considerably less than his wife.

[Jimbuna]

Daddy what is a transvestite?

Ask Mommy, he knows.

[Jimbuna]

Q: Is Google a he or a she?

A: A she, no doubt, because it won‘t let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas.

[Platapus]

To the person who stole my anti-depressants


I just hope you are happy

[Jimbuna]

Today I went to a barber’s shop for a shave. The barber asked me to put a small wooden ball in my mouth so he could get a closer shave around my cheeks.

I asked: “But what if I swallow the ball?”

He replied: “No problem sir, you just bring it back tomorrow like everybody else.”

[Jimbuna]

An optimist sees light at the end of a tunnel and thinks it’s an exit.

A pessimist sees light at the end of a tunnel and assumes it is an onrushing train.

The train conductor sees two stupid guys staggering on train tracks.

[Jimbuna]

A man goes to the lawyer: “What is your fee?”

Lawyer says: “1000 US dollars for 3 questions.”

Man: “Wow - so much! Isn’t it a bit expensive?”

Lawyer: “Yes, what is your third question"

[Jimbuna]

Job interview in a psychiatry:

So you’re interested in working with us. What is your experience with mentally disturbed people?

I’ve been on Facebook for 5 years now.

Very good, the job is yours.

[Jimbuna]

A woman caught her husband on the weight scale, sucking in his stomach.

“That won’t help you, Joe, you know?”

“Oh it helps a lot,” says the man, “it’s the only way I can see the numbers!”

[Jimbuna]

A wife goes to consult a psychiatrist about her husband: “My husband is acting so weird. He drinks his morning coffee and then he goes and eats the mug! He only leaves the handle!”

Psychiatrist: “Yes, that is weird. The handle is the best part.“

[Jimbuna]

Today I found my first grey pubic hair. I got really excited, but not as much as the other people in the lift.

[Jimbuna]

Andy has 150 candy bars. He eats 125. What does Andy have now?

Andy has diabetes now.