The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They’re appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings.

Later, the girl’s mom says, “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.”

“Oh, please, Mom!” says the daughter. “If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”

[Jimbuna]

A gawky lad from New England came to New York with his girl, and took her to nearby Playland Amusement Park. They had heard a lot about the Tunnel of Love and were especially anxious to try it out. But when they got home, the kids expressed disappointment.

“Shucks,” the boy said, “it was dark and damp and uncomfortable. Besides, we got soaking wet.”

“How come?” asked a friend. “Did the boat leak?”

The kid looked amazed. “There’s a boat?”

[Jimbuna]

On a Miami­ to Chicago flight was a lively youngster who nearly drove everyone crazy. He was running up and down the aisle when the flight attendant started serving coffee. He ran smack into her, knocking a cup of coffee out of her hand and onto the floor.

As he stood by watching her clean up the mess, she glanced up at the boy and said, ‘”Look, why don’t you go and play outside?”

[Eisenwurst]

Just found out I'd been dating a commie.

I guess I should've noticed the red flags earlier.

[Jimbuna]

Rushing up to a large airline’s ticket counter, a man gasped, “Miss, please help me. I have to get to Chicago in the worst way!”

The clerk calmly pointed to her left and said, “Sir, that would be the airline next to us.”

[Jimbuna]

“Nothing looks good on me anymore,” wailed a customer modeling an outfit in front of the department store’s mirror.

“Nonsense, ma’am,” soothed the salesclerk. “That dress says it all.”

“That’s the problem,” the woman replied. “I need a dress that keeps its mouth shut.”

[Platapus]

It takes me 10 minutes to walk from my house to my neighborhood bar, but it takes me 30 minutes to walk from the bar to my house.


The difference in time is staggering.

[Jimbuna]

A man went into a seafood restaurant and asked for a lobster tail. The waitress smiled sweetly and said, “Once upon a time there was this handsome lobster…”

[Platapus]

How did the kleptomaniac treat his condition?


The took something for it.

[Jimbuna]

“We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin the bottle, and if the bottle pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a nickel. By the time I was 14, I owned my own house.”

[Platapus]

Why do kleptomaniacs never laugh at puns?


Because they always take things literally

[Jimbuna]

Restaurant patron: “Waiter, I’d like a bottle of wine.”

Waiter: “What year, sir?”

Patron: “Well, I’d like it right now.”

[Platapus]

I wanted to attend a kleptomaniacs anonymous meeting


But all the seats were already taken

[Jimbuna]

Mrs. Smythe was making final arrangements for an elaborate reception. “Nora,” she said to her veteran servant, “for the first half-hour I want you to stand at the drawing-room door and call the guests’ names as they arrive.”

Nora’s face lit up. “Thank you, ma’am,” she replied. “I’ve been wanting to do that to some of your friends for the last 20 years.”

[Jimbuna]

Two eggs, a bagel, and a sausage walk into a bar. “Bartender, my friends and I would like a cold one,” says one of the eggs.

“Sorry,” the barman replies. “We don’t serve breakfast.”