The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

If Dracula can’t see his reflection in the mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?

[Platapus]

Since moonlight is just reflected sunlight, why aren't all vampires killed automatically at night?

[Jimbuna]

I was already a nervous wreck about my upcoming surgery. It didn’t help matters when the admitting nurse absent-mindedly asked me, “Have you had a hysterectomy before?”

[Platapus]

Did you hear about the bossy man at the bar?





He ordered everyone around.

[Jimbuna]

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” he says.

“Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”

[Platapus]

Did you hear about the broken guitar for sale?





It comes with no strings attached.

[Jimbuna]

I hang on to my old, beat-up appliances as long as they keep working. I thought my wife shared, or at least accepted, my philosophy. But the other morning, I saw a note posted in front of my 15-year-old coffeemaker: “Jurassic Perk.”

[Platapus]

I wanted to take a bath,





but decided to leave it where it is.

[Jimbuna]

Three rough-looking bikers stomp into a truck stop where a grizzled old-timer is having breakfast.

One of the bikers extinguishes his cigarette in the old guy’s pancakes. The second biker spits a wad of chewing tobacco into his coffee. The third biker dumps the whole plate onto the floor.

Without a word of protest, the old guy pays his bill and leaves.

“Not much of a man, was he?” says one of the bikers.

“Not much of a driver, either,” says the waitress. “He just backed his truck over three motorcycles.”

[Jimbuna]

Two old friends, Ned and John, lived for baseball. Then one day, John died, leaving Ned inconsolable. A few weeks later, Ned heard someone calling his name. He looked up. Standing on a cloud was his old pal.

“Ned,” John called down, “I have good news and bad. The good news is, there’s baseball in heaven!”

“Great,” said Ned. “What’s the bad news?”

“You’re pitching Sunday.”

[Platapus]

My therapist advised me to write letters to people I was mad at and then burn them.


I told her, sounds good, but what do I do with the letters?

[Jimbuna]

As the hedge fund manager gets out of his brand-new Porsche, a truck goes racing by, taking off the door. “My Porsche! My beautiful silver Porsche is ruined!” he screams.

A police officer on the scene shakes his head in disgust. “I can’t believe you,” he says. “You’re so focused on your possessions that you didn’t even realize your left arm was torn off when the truck hit you.”

The hedge fund manager looks down in absolute horror. “Oh, no!” he cries. “My Rolex!”

[magic452]

John and Mary meet each other on a cruise and they hit it off very well. It turns out they both enjoy the same things and they continue to see each other after the cruise is over.

They both realize that they are meant for each other and at dinner in an upscale restaurant John proposes marriage but says to her,
"Before you answer, I have to confess one thing, I am totally into golf. I play three or four times a week, I watch it on TV and I try to go to tournaments whenever possible. Golf is always on my mind".


Mary looks at him and says, "I also have a confession, you don't know this about me but I'm a hooker."

John is quiet when he hears this but then says, "It's probably because your moving your wrists on your swing."..


Magic

[Jimbuna]

Few people know what a quartermaster does. So during my aircraft carrier’s Family Day, I demonstrated a procedure called semaphore—I grabbed my flags and signaled an imaginary boat.

When finished, I pointed to a little girl in front and asked, “Now do you know what I do?”

“Yes,” she said. “You’re a cheerleader.”

[Platapus]

Why'd the roofer go to the doctor?





He had shingles.