The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

I discovered my mother in law has weekly sessions with Lucifer himself on how to be even more vicious. I’ve no idea what kind of fees she’s charging him.

[Jimbuna]

Doctor tells his patient, “I’m afraid you are going to die in a few hours. What is your last wish?”

Patient replies, “I need a good doctor.”

[Jimbuna]

Mother: Son, why aren't you talking to Mark anymore? You used to be really good friends.

Son: Well would you like to talk to someone who is kind of stupid, is using drugs and is drinking alcohol every day?

Mother: Of course not!

Son: Well neither would he.

[Platapus]

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question

[Jimbuna]

Question: I have an extra-large nose, three eyes and thirty teeth. What am I?

Answer: Ugly

[Jimbuna]

A guy had to move abroad and had to sell his dog. The new owner asks, “And does he like little kids?”

“Sure, but it’s cheaper to just buy him dog biscuits.”

[Jeff-Groves]

I was going to rent an apartment to a lady with several small children.
She asked me, "Do you like young kids?"

I told her "Depends on the bar-b-que sauce."

[Jimbuna]

How did the dentist suddenly become a brain surgeon?

A slip of the hand.

[Eisenwurst]

Customer in toyshop... "does Barbie come with Ken?"

Salesgirl...."No, she comes with G.I. Joe. She fakes it with Ken".

[Jimbuna]

A guy asked at a skydiving school, "If the chute doesn't open and the reserve doesn't open either, how long until we hit the ground?"

The instructor looked at him and said, "The rest of your life."

[Jeff-Groves]

3 Guys are on a Aircraft when it suffers problems.
One starts praying. One starts panicking.
The 3rd starts trying to calm them down.
"I'm a Gambler so let's look at the odds" He says.
"God ain't gonna help much. And panicking don't help."
"I'll bet we beat emergency response to the crash site!"

[Jimbuna]

Why have trips to England become so popular with Siamese twins?

It gives the other one a chance to drive a car, too.

[Jimbuna]

A man visits a doctor for a checkup. When it’s over, the doctor tells him he has bad news. "You have only six months to live."

The man digests it for a while and then says, "There's just one thing I can do, I have to become a Communist."

Surprised, the doctor asks, "But you've been a patriotic American all your life, why would you become a Communist now?"

The man says, "Better when one of them dies than one of us!"

[Angelis]

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman:
„Give me six double vodkas.“

The barman says:
„Wow! you must have had one hell of a day.“

„Yes, I’ve just found out my older brother is gay.“

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.

When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back:
„I’ve just found out that my younger brother is gay too!“

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender said:
„Jesus! Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?“

„Yeah, my wife…“

[Jimbuna]

Man is asked at the hospital:

How tall are you?

5'8’’, doctor.

I’m very sorry, but I’m not the doctor. I’m the carpenter.