The joke thread II

[mapuc]

In the warehouse of a major wine merchant, the old wine taster was dead and the boss was looking for a new one.
A retired sailor, drunk and with a dirty appearance came to apply for the position.
The boss wondered how to get rid of him, but gave him a glass to drink. The old sailor tasted it and said; -
It is a three-year-old Muscat, grown on a north-facing slope, matured in steel containers. Low class, but acceptable. "
"That's correct," the boss said, giving him another glass.
"It's an eight-year-old Cabernet, grown on a southwestern slope, matured in oak barrels at eight degrees. Requires three more years of storage for best results."
"Quite right," said the boss, giving him a third glass.
"It's a Pinot Blanc champagne, high quality and exclusive," the drunken sailor said calmly.
The director was amazed and winked at his secretary to suggest something.
She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine.
The drunken sailor tasted it.
"It's a blonde, 26 years old, pregnant for three months, and if I do not get the job ... I will tell who the father is."

Markus

[Jimbuna]

A woman is at a grocery store. She goes to the clerk to purchase her groceries. The clerk looks at her items and sees a carton of eggs, a gallon of milk, and a head of lettuce. He says to the woman, "You must be single." The woman was surprised & replies, "Yes, how did you know?" The clerk answers, "Because you're ugly."

[Jimbuna]

There are three friends named Mad, Brain, and Fight. One day Fight went missing and his friends Mad and Brain started searching for him. Then Brain said, "Mad, let's file a missing person report with the police." When they were about to walk into the police station, Brain said, "Mad, you go and make the report. I will wait for you here." Mad said, "Okay." Mad walked in but no police officers paid attention to him. Then he saw a policeman drinking a cup of coffee. Mad went to the officer, smacked the table, and the cup of coffee flew in the air, landing in the officer's lap. Angry, the policeman asked, "Are you looking for a fight?" Mad replied, "Yes, I am." The policeman asked, "Are you mad?" Mad replied, "Yes, I am Mad." The policeman then asked, "Don't you have a brain?" Mad replied, "Brain is outside sir."

[Platapus]

What's the difference between a poor golfer and a poor sky diver? The poor golfer goes "Whack. Damn." The poor sky diver goes "Damn. Whack."

[Jimbuna]

Q: Why do centipedes have 100 legs?
A: So they can walk.

[Jeff-Groves]

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.

When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.

The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.

Both the banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments.

They were also puzzled, the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behaviour that made them squirm in their seats.

Finally, the banker said: "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?"

The old preacher mustered up his strength and then weakly said: "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go."

[Jimbuna]

Jim, Scott and Alex are tired after traveling all day and check into a hotel. When they get to reception, they find out they'll have to walk 75 flights of stairs to get to their room because the elevator is out of order. Jim suggests that they do something interesting to pass time while they walk the 75 flights. Jim will tell jokes, Scott will sing songs, and Alex will tell sad stories. So Jim tells jokes for 25 flights, Scott sings songs for 25 flights and Alex tells sad stories for 24 flights. When they reach the 75th floor, Alex tells his saddest story of all, "Guys, I left our room key at reception."

[Jimbuna]

What does an air conditioner have in common with a computer? They both lose efficiency as soon as you open windows.

[Jimbuna]

Q: What did the cross-eyed teacher say?
A: I can't control my pupils!

[Jimbuna]

The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

[Platapus]

Did you see the fire over at the circus


it was in tents

[mapuc]

A blonde and her husband were sitting and listening to the radio.
The speaker said:
"We expect between 20 and 30 cm of snow tonight, so everyone
please park their cars on the odd side of the road so the snow plow can
come through."
The blonde goes out and moves the car ...
A week later it happens again:
"25 cm of snow is expected tonight, so everyone
please park their cars on the straight side of the road so the snow plow can
come through."
The blonde goes out and moves the car ...
3 days later, it's crazy again:
"A violent snowstorm is expected with
up to 40 cm. snow, so everyone please .... "
The power went out and the blonde did'n not know what to do.
- You know what? said her husband ..
"This time I think you should let the car stay in the garage .. '

Markus

[Jimbuna]

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over the policeman says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?" The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

[Jimbuna]

Q: How can you get four suits for a dollar?
A: Buy a deck of cards.

[Jimbuna]

A man walks into a bar and sits down. He asks the bartender, "Can I have a cigarette?" The bartender replies, "Sure, the cigarette machine is over there." So he walks over to the machine and as he is about to order a cigarette, the machine suddenly says, "Oi, you bloody idiot." The man says with surprise in his voice, "That's not very nice." He returns to his bar stool without a cigarette and asks the bartender for some peanuts. The bartender passes the man a bowl of peanuts and the man hears one of the peanuts speak, "Ooh, I like your hair." The man says to the bartender, "Hey, what's going on here? Your cigarette machine is insulting me and this peanut is coming on to me. Why's this?" The bartender replies, "Oh, that's because the machine is out of order and the peanuts are complementary."