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06-11-22, 05:42 AM | #3616 |
Chief of the Boat
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“Hello, Reverend Smith? This is the Internal Revenue Service. Is Samuel Jones a member of your congregation?”
“He is.” “Did he donate $10,000 to the church?” “He will.”
__________________
Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.
Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim) |
06-11-22, 05:42 AM | #3617 |
Chief of the Boat
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One Sunday, a minister played hooky from church so he could shoot a round of golf. St. Peter, looking down from Heaven, seethed. “You’re going to let him get away with this, God?”
The Lord shook his head. The minister took his first shot. The ball soared through the air 420 yards and dropped into the cup for a hole in one. St. Peter was outraged. “I thought you were going to punish him!” The Lord shrugged. “Who’s he going to tell?”
__________________
Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.
Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim) |
06-13-22, 12:21 PM | #3618 |
Chief of the Boat
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I’d offered to drive my mother-in-law to the doctor’s. But when I arrived at her house, I found her gossiping away with a neighbor.
“Mom, we’ve got to go,” I interjected, but she couldn’t hear me over the chatter. “Mom!” I repeated as I pulled her away. “Sorry, but I didn’t know what to do,” she said, getting into the car. “That woman wouldn’t stop listening to me.”
__________________
Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.
Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim) |
06-15-22, 12:29 PM | #3619 |
Chief of the Boat
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I hang on to my old, beat-up appliances as long as they keep working. I thought my wife shared, or at least accepted, my philosophy. But the other morning, I saw a note posted in front of my 15-year-old coffeemaker: “Jurassic Perk.”
__________________
Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.
Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim) |
06-16-22, 10:14 AM | #3620 |
Chief of the Boat
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Three rough-looking bikers stomp into a truck stop where a grizzled old-timer is having breakfast.
One of the bikers extinguishes his cigarette in the old guy’s pancakes. The second biker spits a wad of chewing tobacco into his coffee. The third biker dumps the whole plate onto the floor. Without a word of protest, the old guy pays his bill and leaves. “Not much of a man, was he?” says one of the bikers. “Not much of a driver, either,” says the waitress. “He just backed his truck over three motorcycles.”
__________________
Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.
Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim) |
06-18-22, 09:57 AM | #3621 |
Chief of the Boat
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Two old friends, Ned and John, lived for baseball. Then one day, John died, leaving Ned inconsolable. A few weeks later, Ned heard someone calling his name. He looked up. Standing on a cloud was his old pal.
“Ned,” John called down, “I have good news and bad. The good news is, there’s baseball in heaven!” “Great,” said Ned. “What’s the bad news?” “You’re pitching Sunday.”
__________________
Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.
Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim) |
06-19-22, 01:07 PM | #3622 |
Chief of the Boat
|
As the hedge fund manager gets out of his brand-new Porsche, a truck goes racing by, taking off the door. “My Porsche! My beautiful silver Porsche is ruined!” he screams.
A police officer on the scene shakes his head in disgust. “I can’t believe you,” he says. “You’re so focused on your possessions that you didn’t even realize your left arm was torn off when the truck hit you.” The hedge fund manager looks down in absolute horror. “Oh, no!” he cries. “My Rolex!”
__________________
Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.
Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim) |
06-20-22, 01:20 PM | #3623 |
Chief of the Boat
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After writing a speech for class, my daughter asked for input. I listened to her talk about sexually transmitted diseases, then gave my opinion.
“It’s great,” I said. “There’s one sentence in particular that I like.” “Which one?” she asked. “The one where you write, ‘The only way other than abstinence to be sure that you will not contract an STD is to remain in a monotonous relationship.'”
__________________
Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.
Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim) |
06-21-22, 01:03 PM | #3624 |
Chief of the Boat
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The topic of the day at Army Airborne School was what you should do if your parachute malfunctions. We had just gotten to the part about reserve parachutes when another student raised his hand.
“If the main parachute malfunctions,” he said, “how long do we have to deploy the reserve?” Looking the trooper square in the face, the instructor replied, “The rest of your life.”
__________________
Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.
Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim) |
06-21-22, 03:29 PM | #3625 |
Fleet Admiral
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As my sky diving instructor told us "He who hesitates shall inherit the earth"
__________________
abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right. |
06-22-22, 05:52 AM | #3626 |
Dipped Squirrel Operative
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A man was admitted to hospital after swallowing 6 plastic horses.
His condition has been described as stable.
__________________
>^..^<*)))>{ All generalizations are wrong. |
06-22-22, 05:58 AM | #3627 |
Chief of the Boat
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With a pile of 300 resumes on his desk and a need to pick someone quickly, my boss told me to make calls on 50 and toss the rest.
“Throw away 250 resumes?” I asked, shocked. “What if the best candidates are in there?” “You have a point,” he said. “But then again, I don’t need people with bad luck around here.”
__________________
Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.
Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim) |
06-23-22, 10:50 AM | #3628 |
Chief of the Boat
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The English language often got the better of my German grandfather, a pastor. During one service, he announced that two members of his flock were getting married.
“You’re all invited to the wedding,” he told the congregation. “And also to the parish hall afterward for the conception.”
__________________
Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.
Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim) |
06-23-22, 01:06 PM | #3629 |
Fleet Admiral
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Children are born with four kidneys
When they get older, two of them become adult knees
__________________
abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right. |
06-25-22, 08:19 AM | #3630 |
Chief of the Boat
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Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.
__________________
Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.
Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim) |
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