The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

“Here, my king, I completed my quest. In this bag you will find the head of the evil dragon that was terrorizing your kingdom.”

“Very well done, brave knight. And in this bag, as promised, is your reward – the hand and the heart of the princess.“

[Jimbuna]

There’s no way you’re going out in this skirt, kiddo!”

“But mom, I’ve got great legs, why should I hide them?!”

“Because it’s so short and your nuts are showing underneath!”

[Jimbuna]

An awkward housewarming visit:

“Oh but this is wonderful – your couch has a massage function – and it’s so nice and warm!”

“You’re sitting on our cat.”

[Jimbuna]

I yelled: “It’s a boy!!!! I cannot believe it – it’s a boy!!!” I was so overwhelmed, I literally stood there in tears.

– Mike, 32, abruptly ending his holiday in Thailand

[Jimbuna]

“It is with a sad heart that we inform you our beloved brother, Roger Kripsky, finally found his peace on April 7th, 2018.

His wife Amanda’s funeral will take place in the Shady Grove Funeral Parlor on Friday April 11th.”

[Jimbuna]

They really should consider a woman as the main actor of the next Mission Impossible movie.

Horrifying crashes, wild screams, huge explosions – and that’s just during the parallel parking scene!

[Jimbuna]

I tried to phone my cousin in France in 1943 but the line was occupied.

[Platapus]

When I skipped school to go bungee jumping
I ended up being suspended

[Platapus]

Some people age like fine wine


I age like milk


I just get sour and chunky.

[Platapus]

Don't you just hate people who answer their own questions?


I sure do.

[Jimbuna]

Religion teacher: “We are descended from Adam and Eve.”

Little Johnny pipes up: “But sir, my parents told me that we are descended from apes!”

The religion teacher smiles: “Sorry, we’re not talking about your family.”

[Jimbuna]

A box of matches. The perfect housewarming gift.

[Jimbuna]

A woman goes in the hospital for a very serious operation. Naturally, she’s nervous about the whole thing and talks to the surgeon the night before, “Oh doctor. I’m just so worried about this operation! Is it really safe?”

The doctor pats her on the shoulder, “There’s no need for panic, Mrs. Gimlick. I have personally performed this operation at least 30 times. It’s got to work out one day!”

[Jimbuna]

I had a few drinks after work, so I decided to take the bus home rather than my car, you know, like they say on the billboards. I don’t know what idiot thought of that. I bet that even sober, a bus is a beast to drive!“

[Jimbuna]

It is interesting how different nations have their dogs make different sounds.

An American dog goes Woof, a Czech dog goes Haf, a Dutch dog goes Blaf and a Chinese dog goes Sizzle.