The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

Teacher: "OK class, who will give me the chemical formula for water?"

Pupil: "HIJKLMNO."

Teacher: "What on earth are you on about?"

Pupil: "Well you said yourself yesterday it was H to O!"

[Jimbuna]

An employee complains to his boss, “Sorry boss, but the salary doesn’t even remotely match the effort I put into my work.”

Boss nods, “I know, but we can’t let you starve to death.”

[Jimbuna]

What should you do when you see a spaceman?

You just park in it, man.

[Buddahaid]

The three stages of a man's sex life:

Tri-weekly,
Try weekly,
Try weakly.

[Jimbuna]

I was hiking once with my girlfriend. Suddenly a huge brown bear was charging at us, really mad. We must have come close to her cubs. Luckily I had my 9mm pistol with me. One shot to my girlfriend's kneecap was all it took. I could walk away at a comfortable pace.

[Jimbuna]

You know you're ugly when you get handed the camera every time they make a group photo.

[Eichhörnchen]

Mrs Abraham Lincoln to her husband: "Would it kill you to take me out to a show just once in a while?"

[Jimbuna]

You can’t say that Hitler was bad through and through. He did kill Hitler, after all.

[Jimbuna]

A priests asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?”

"Yes," replies the murderer. "Can you please hold my hand?"

[Jimbuna]

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”

She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”

She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that…
1) You have to be single and
2) You must be Catholic.”

The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”

“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

“My dear child,” said the nun, “why are you crying?”

“Forgive me, but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party!”

[Jimbuna]

At a first date:

He: “I work with animals every day!”

She: “Oh how sweet! What is it that you do?”

He: “I’m a butcher.”

[Jimbuna]

My butt hair is so long, it made it to the Guinness Book of Records. Not for long though. They threw me out of the library pretty quickly.

[Jimbuna]

How can you tell your acne is really starting to get out of hand?

The blind start reading your face.

[Jimbuna]

"Madam, your son just called me ugly!"

The mother apologizes shamefacedly, "I'm so sorry, I must have told him like a thousand times it is wrong to judge people just from how they look..."

[Jimbuna]

A box of condoms, please.

That’ll be 3,99. Do you want a bag with it?

Nah I’m OK. She’s actually quite pretty.