The joke thread II - Page 138

Texas Red · 07-01-20, 08:05 PM

A Lowes employee once asked me "Do you need any help with anything, sir?"

I responded "I know more than you" and walked away.

Platapus · 07-02-20, 06:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by the beast

A Lowes employee once asked me "Do you need any help with anything, sir?"

I responded "I know more than you" and walked away.

?

That's a joke?

Jimbuna · 07-02-20, 09:59 AM

This is the first year I can’t have a summer holiday in the Bahamas because of Covid19. I normally can’t have a holiday in the Bahamas because I’m too poor.

Jimbuna · 07-02-20, 10:01 AM

Coronavirus has strained many marriages but I’m blessed to be with a loving wife. Just the other morning when I woke up she was holding a pillow over my face to protect me from Covid 19.

Jimbuna · 07-03-20, 04:38 AM

Just got a letter from Screwfix.. Turns out they are not a dating agency.

Jimbuna · 07-03-20, 04:39 AM

Went to the doctors toady and he told me I have Covid19. I asked him for a second opinion and then he told me I was ugly as well.

Platapus · 07-03-20, 06:58 PM

If sound does not travel through a vacuum, why do vacuum cleaners make so much noise?

For that matter, what exactly does a vacuum cleaner clean?

Window cleaners clean windows
Rug cleaners clean rugs
Drain cleaners clean drains
Street cleaners clean streets

How can a vacuum get so dirty?

Eisenwurst · 07-04-20, 06:17 AM

My dog has no nose.

"How does he smell???"

Terrible.

Jimbuna · 07-04-20, 12:35 PM

Wife: Can’t believe how much weight I’ve gained since lockdown.
Me: You haven’t gained that much weight. Come on… chin up. No, the other one.

Jimbuna · 07-04-20, 12:36 PM

My wife was really angry with me today.
I put a stick in a non-stick frying pan.

Platapus · 07-04-20, 04:58 PM

I put instant coffee in the microwave and almost went back in time.

Platapus · 07-05-20, 09:12 AM

I put Minute Rice in a slow cooker.

I don't know when the hell it will be done.

Jimbuna · 07-05-20, 12:21 PM

Finally got an Asda delivery slot for my shopping. I’ve ordered Turkey, sprouts and some Christmas crackers.

Jimbuna · 07-05-20, 12:22 PM

Stepped on my weighing scale this morning and it said:

“Please use social distancing, one person at a time”.

Platapus · 07-05-20, 03:49 PM

I purchased a decaffeinated coffee table.

I can't tell it from the real thing

07-01-20, 08:05 PM	#2056
Texas Red Fastest Gun Around Join Date: Aug 2019 Location: Agua Fira, New Mexico Posts: 2,376 Downloads: 527 Uploads: 5	A Lowes employee once asked me "Do you need any help with anything, sir?" I responded "I know more than you" and walked away. __________________ There are no secrets to success. It is the result of preparation, hard work, and learning from failure. — Colin Powell I'm not very active on the forums anymore. If you have a question, please DM me and I'll respond ASAP!

07-02-20, 09:59 AM	#2058
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 180,992 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	This is the first year I can’t have a summer holiday in the Bahamas because of Covid19. I normally can’t have a holiday in the Bahamas because I’m too poor. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

07-02-20, 10:01 AM	#2059
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 180,992 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Coronavirus has strained many marriages but I’m blessed to be with a loving wife. Just the other morning when I woke up she was holding a pillow over my face to protect me from Covid 19. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

07-03-20, 04:38 AM	#2060
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 180,992 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Just got a letter from Screwfix.. Turns out they are not a dating agency. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

07-03-20, 04:39 AM	#2061
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 180,992 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Went to the doctors toady and he told me I have Covid19. I asked him for a second opinion and then he told me I was ugly as well. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

07-03-20, 06:58 PM	#2062
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 18,928 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	If sound does not travel through a vacuum, why do vacuum cleaners make so much noise? For that matter, what exactly does a vacuum cleaner clean? Window cleaners clean windows Rug cleaners clean rugs Drain cleaners clean drains Street cleaners clean streets How can a vacuum get so dirty? __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

07-04-20, 06:17 AM	#2063
Eisenwurst Silent Hunter Join Date: Jan 2010 Posts: 3,585 Downloads: 58 Uploads: 0	My dog has no nose. "How does he smell???" Terrible. __________________

07-04-20, 12:35 PM	#2064
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 180,992 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Wife: Can’t believe how much weight I’ve gained since lockdown. Me: You haven’t gained that much weight. Come on… chin up. No, the other one. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

07-04-20, 12:36 PM	#2065
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 180,992 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	My wife was really angry with me today. I put a stick in a non-stick frying pan. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

07-04-20, 04:58 PM	#2066
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 18,928 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	I put instant coffee in the microwave and almost went back in time. __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

07-05-20, 09:12 AM	#2067
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 18,928 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	I put Minute Rice in a slow cooker. I don't know when the hell it will be done. __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

07-05-20, 12:21 PM	#2068
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 180,992 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Finally got an Asda delivery slot for my shopping. I’ve ordered Turkey, sprouts and some Christmas crackers. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

07-05-20, 12:22 PM	#2069
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 180,992 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Stepped on my weighing scale this morning and it said: “Please use social distancing, one person at a time”. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

07-05-20, 03:49 PM	#2070
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 18,928 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	I purchased a decaffeinated coffee table. I can't tell it from the real thing __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.