This is the comment thread! pt II

[Jimbuna]

You can trust your dog to guard your house but never trust your dog to guard your sandwich.

[Jimbuna]

A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest. - coolfunnyquotes.com

[Jimbuna]

Why do you always see lightning first and hear the thunder later? Because your eyes are in front of your ears.

[Jimbuna]

I always try to cheer myself up by singing when I get sad. Most of the time, it turns out that my voice is worse than my problems.

[Jimbuna]

When I tried to do a search for marital advise on Google, it tried to finish my sentence for me, just like my wife does.

[Jimbuna]

A fisherman who just caught a huge salmon reels the fish in, looks at the fish and says 'I am taking you for tonight's dinner!' The fish replies 'I already ate, can we go somewhere else?'

[Catfish]

Facts have a well known liberal bias.

[Jimbuna]

What did my doctor tell me when I rushed into his office and told him I have 40 seconds to live? Hold on a minute!

[Jimbuna]

If aliens saw us walking our dogs and picking up their poop, who would they think is in charge?

[Jimbuna]

One small decision can change your life! That's why I always let someone else make my decisions, that way if something goes wrong I have somebody to blame other than myself.

[Jimbuna]

Friends are chocolate chips in the cookie of life!

[Jimbuna]

When I said that I cleaned my room, I just meant I made a path from the doorway to my bed.

[Jimbuna]

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

[Jimbuna]

A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.

[Jimbuna]

Ultimate lazy moment: Watching the sunrise on TV because you're too lazy to get up and watch it for real.