The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

In 1827, Dracula started to feed on a diet of 16-year-old virgins.
By 2013, he died of starvation.

[Jimbuna]

Wait, don’t move, you’ve got something on your face!

<slap!>

Yep, it’s pain!

[Jimbuna]

Doctor: “Well - Mrs. Smith, it would seem that you're pregnant.”

Mrs. Smith: “Sweet Jesus, that's wonderful, I'm pregnant?!”

Doctor: “I only said that it seems so. Here's our weight loss brochure.”

[Jimbuna]

Why is the Great Wall of China considered one of the seven wonders of the world?
-
Because it is an actual long-lasting Chinese product.

[Jimbuna]

I yelled: “It’s a boy!!!! I cannot believe it – it’s a boy!!!” I was so overwhelmed, I literally stood there in tears.

– Mike, 32, abruptly ending his holiday in Thailand

[Catfish]

Stolen by me, worth it though


"How the Angel got on top of the Christmas Tree"

"It was a particularly bad year for Santa and before he knew it, Christmas Eve had arrived and he wasn't ready.

The elves were on strike.
The reindeer were unruly and during a test run had crashed the sleigh.
No one was cleaning the stables and the smell was horrible.
Rudolph's nose wouldn't light because he had a cold.
Mrs. Clause, having burned batches of cookies, was refusing to bake any more until the oven was fixed; and, to top it off she was endlessly nagging poor Santa.

It was about the time that Santa was at the end of his patience with the Christmas Angel descended from the heavens and said:

"Santa, I have your Christmas tree. Where should I stick it?"

[Jimbuna]

How does a squid go into battle? Well-armed.

[Jimbuna]

They really should consider a woman as the main actor of the next Mission Impossible movie.

Horrifying crashes, wild screams, huge explosions – and that’s just during the parallel parking scene!

[Jimbuna]

I read an article that they’ve trained dogs now so they can smell terminal illnesses in people. Kind of a different experience, taking a dog like that for a walk.
-
“Oooh, your dog really likes me!”
-
“I’m so very sorry.”

[Jimbuna]

I tried to phone my cousin in France in 1943 but the line was occupied.

[Catfish]

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you...don't bother coming after me" Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone... "She's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie. I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like."

He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.

She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed. Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote...
"I can see your feet. We're outta bread: be back in five minutes."

[Jimbuna]

[Jimbuna]

Man to a butcher: "I'd like some bull's testicles."

Butcher: "So would I"

[Jimbuna]

Girl: So, how many times a day do you shave?

Man: Well, about 15-20 times every day.

Girl: My god, are you some kind of crazy?

Man: No, I’m a barber.

[Jimbuna]

My friend was planning to get a Labrador. Is he mad?!
Hasn’t he seen how many of their owners go blind?!”