The joke thread

[Jimbuna]

I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.

The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.

[BossMark]

A blonde, brunette, and a red head were all in a race swimming breaststroke across the English channel. The brunette came in first, and the red head right after. When they were taking the blonde back on a lifeboat she said,"I don't want to be a tell tale, but the other two used their arms."

[Jimbuna]

Margaret Thatcher film 'The Iron Lady' has been classed as a 12A.

It is unsuitable for miners.

[BossMark]

Originally Posted by jimbuna

Margaret Thatcher film 'The Iron Lady' has been classed as a 12A.

It is unsuitable for miners.

Nice one, I for one shall not be watching it, as it as no happy ending (the bitch doesn't die)

[Herr-Berbunch]

Originally Posted by BossMark

Nice one, I for one shall not be watching it, as it as no happy ending (the bitch doesn't die)

But you may just see her in her true light as a gentle, caring, human being who only put on a vicious front to keep her job.

Or not.

[Jimbuna]

Got a letter from debt collectors this morning saying that they have bought my debt from Littlewoods and that I now owe the money to them.

So I've sent a letter back saying that I have sold my bill to Greece.

[BossMark]

A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note. "I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money. Leave £10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7 AM." Signed, "The Blonde". She pinned the note inside the little boy"s jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the £10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag was the following note. "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."

[Jimbuna]

Barack Obama has announced that US defence spending will be cut to $660 billion a year, meaning that the USA no longer has the highest annual defence budget in the world.

That honour now goes to Manchester City.

[BossMark]

A Bloke walks into a bric-a-brac shop and sees an ornamental brass rat, the sort of thing women of a certain age love to put on the mantelpiece. He thinks "that'll be perfect for his Mother's birthday", so he asks the shopkeeper how much it is. "£25 for the rat, £100 for the story", replies the man.
"Forget the story" says the bloke, and so buys the rat for 25 quid. He walks off down the road, but has not gone 30 yards when a rat comes up from the gutter and starts to follow him. Soon more arrive, and in a few minutes the whole street is a sea of rats, all following the bloke, who keeps walking until he comes to a cliff. He throws the brass rat over, and millions of rats follow, one after each other, plunging to certain death. The bloke them runs back to shop.....
"Aaaah", says the shop keeper, "you'll be back for the story"
"Screw the story - do you have a brass man utd fan?"

[Jimbuna]

My wife said, "If you were the only person on the planet, and you could pick one person to be with you... Who would you choose?"

I said, "Your mother."

Looking puzzled she said, "Why my mother?"

I said, "Because there wouldn't be anybody around to arrest me after I'd clubbed her to death."

[u crank]

Family gathers after funeral of loved one who passes peacefully in sleep. The conversation turns to how they would like to go. One person says in the arms of a loved one. Another says watching his favorite sports team and so on.
Finally all eyes are on Grandad who smiles. Oh yeah I want to go in my sleep as well... not like everyone else in the car, screaming in terror.

[Jimbuna]

I for one applaud Alex Furguson for the cultural diversity of his squad, calling the ginger out of retirement to complete the set was a fine touch.

[BossMark]

How do you know when petrol prices are at their highest?
London taxi drivers start to take the shortest route.

[Jimbuna]

I was having an issue with people copying and pasting sensitive data at work, at first I didn't know what to do but I've finally taken ctrl.

[BossMark]

A girl came skipping home from school one day.

"Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said.

"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mummy.

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"

"No Honey, it's because you're 24."