The joke thread

[BossMark]

I was in the pub last night and I took advantage of a young girl.
When she went to the toilet, I nicked her chair.

[Jimbuna]

Away in a police cell, no wag in his bed.

The little John Terry, regrets what he said.

[BossMark]

An Irishman who had a little to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course" slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening".

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

[Jimbuna]

I was going through the loft the other day, looking for some wrapping paper, when I had came across a present I had forgotten to give the kids last Christmas...

It's a shame really... They would have loved that kitten.

[Nick_T]

A happy Christmas and peaceful '12 to you and those you hold dear.

[Jimbuna]

What's the difference between Andy Carroll and tomato soup?

Tomato soup is a regular starter.

[BossMark]

This guy walks into a bar in Redneck county and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain"t from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?"The guy says, "I"m from England."The bartender asks, "What th" hell you do in England?"The guy responds, "I"m a taxidermist."The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th" hell is a taxidermist?"The guy says "I mount animals."The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It"s OK boys, he"s one of us!"

[Jimbuna]

I went to the doctors today about my addiction to astrology.

He said "What are the signs?"

[BossMark]

A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the husband keeps looking.

The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?"

The husband replies, "Autumn."

[BossMark]

A French and an English general were surveying a battlefield. A bullet strikes the English general, grazing his arm. He shouts "Aide! Bring me my red jacket!"
The French general asks "Why did you do that?"
The English general responds "So my men don't see that I'm bleeding, and lose hope."
A second bullet narrowly misses the French general's ear, and he shouts: "Aide! Bring me my brown trousers!"

[Sailor Steve]

I don't get it. What happened to the English General?

[BossMark]

Originally Posted by Sailor Steve

I don't get it. What happened to the English General?

Sorted

A French rifle is on sale on e-bay. Its never been fired but its been dropped once.

[Jimbuna]

"Can you get some bleach and some washing powder whilst you're out?" my wife asked.

"Can you not wait until you've opened your presents tomorrow?" I replied.

[Jimbuna]

"Well darling, for your birthday, me and the lads decided to club together...."

"Yes...." she squealed in anticipation.

"No, that's it. I didn't get in until 6 this morning. I'm off to bed".

[BossMark]

There was a Packers fan with a really crappy seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat.

When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?" The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan." The other man replied,"I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"

The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."