The joke thread

[Jimbuna]

A woman is having a hard time getting her tomatoes to ripen so she goes to her neighbor with her problem. The neighbor says, "All you have to do is go out at midnight and dance around in the garden naked for a few minutes, and the tomatoes will become so embarrassed, they will blush bright red." The woman goes out at midnight and dances around her garden naked for a few minutes. The next morning, the neighbor comes over to the woman's house and asks the woman if her tomatoes have turned red. The woman says "No, they're still green, but I noticed the cucumbers grew four inches!"

[Jimbuna]

A gynecologist notices that a new patient is nervous. While putting on the latex gloves, he asks her if she knows how they make latex gloves.
The patient says no.
The doctor says, "There is a plant in Mexico full of latex that people of various hand sizes dip their hands into and let them dry.
She does not crack a smile, but later she laughs.
The doctor says, "What's so funny?"
She says, "I'm imagining how they make condoms."

[Catfish]

Three Wishes

One day a man was walking along the beach and came across an odd-looking bottle. Not being one to ignore tradition he rubbed it and, much to his surprise, a Genie actually appeared. "For releasing me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes," said the Genie. The man was ecstatic.
"But there's a catch," the Genie continued.

"What catch?" asked the man, eyeing the Genie suspiciously.

The Genie replied, "For each of your wishes, every lawyer in the world will receive DOUBLE what you asked for."

"Hey, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated man.

"What is your first wish?" asked the Genie.

"Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari!" POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man.

"Now, every lawyer in the world has been given TWO Ferraris," said the Genie. "What is your next wish?"

"I could really use a million dollars..." replied the man, and POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet.

"Now, every lawyer in the world is TWO million dollars richer," the Genie reminded the man.

"Well, that's okay, as long as I've got MY million," replied the man.

"And what is your final wish?" asked the Genie.

The man thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney...."

[Von Due]

What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? I'm not paying 50 quid to have a lentil on my face.

[mikesn9]

What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? I'm not paying 50 quid to have a lentil on my face.

Booo, Hiss, chuckle chuckle.

[Jimbuna]

A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch.
A woman passing by remarks, "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady."
He replies, "If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself."

[Jimbuna]

A guy and his date are parked out in the country away from town, when they start kissing and fondling each other. Just then, the girl stops and sits up. “What’s the matter?” asks the guy.
She replies, “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a prostitute, and I charge £100 for sex.”
The man thinks about it for a few seconds, but then reluctantly gets out the £100 and pays her, and they have sex.
After a cigarette, he just sits in the driver’s seat looking out the window.
“Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asks the girl.
“Well, I should have mentioned this before,” replies the man, “but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is £200.

[Catfish]

A Hunter comes home from a three days hunting trip
and says to his wife: 'I missed you'.

[Catfish]

An anthropologist went to study a far-flung tropical island. He found a guide with a canoe to take him upriver to the remote site where he would make his observations. About noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. The anthropologist asked his guide, "What are those drums?"

The guide turned to him and said, "Drums okay, but VERY BAD when they stop."

As they traveled the drums grew louder and louder. The anthropologist was nervous, but the guide merely repeated, "Drums okay. Drums not bad. When drums stop, then very bad!"

Then the drums suddenly stopped. Terrified, the anthropologist yelled to the guide: "The drums stopped! What now?"

The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and said,
"Guitar solo."

[Aktungbby]

"Drums okay. Drums not bad. When drums stop, then very bad!"

^ Drum solo? Sounds like In the Garden of Eden...slightly slurred in the lyric

[Jimbuna]

A man boards a plane with six kids. After they get settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle leans over to him and asks, "Are all of those kids yours?"
He replies, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

[Jimbuna]

"Daddy, where did I come from?" seven-year-old Rachel asks.
It is a moment for which her parents have carefully prepared. They take her into the living room, get out several other books, and explain all they think she should know about sexual attraction, affection, love, and reproduction. Then they both sit back and smile contentedly. "Does that answer your question?" the mom asks.
"Not really," the little girl says. "Judy said she came from Manchester. I want to know where I came from."

[Von Due]

Tim's mom comes to the kindergarten to pick up her son and Tim asks her
"Mom, can I have a bike so I can ride it to kindergarten?" to which she replies
"Perhaps when you start in school, dear. We do live a bit far from the kindergarten, you know, a little too far for a little young man like yourself".

Tim looks at her mom and says "But mom, Jonathan rides his bike here every morning and he is from Africa".

[Jimbuna]

On hearing that her elderly grandfather has just passed away, Katie goes straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asks how her grandfather has died, her grandmother replies, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie tells her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex will surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear. Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. It was nice, slow, and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong."
She pauses, wipes away a tear and then continues, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

[Jimbuna]

A man joins a soccer team and his new teammates inform him, "At your first team dinner as the new guy, you will have to give us a talk about sex."
The evening arrives and he gives a detailed, humorous account of his sex life. When he got home, his wife asked how the evening went and not wanting to lie, but also not wanting to explain exactly what happened, he said, "Oh, I had to make a talk about yachting," his wife thought this a little peculiar but said nothing more and went to sleep.
The next day she bumped into one of his new teammates at the supermarket and asked, "I heard my husband had to make a speech last night. How did it go?"
His mate said smiling, 'Oh, it was excellent! Your husband is clearly very experienced!."
The wife looked confused and replied to his mate, "Strange, he has only done it twice and the second time he was sick."