The joke thread

[Jimbuna]

I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today.
We were walking around and soon he said, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!”
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us.
“What did you just call it?” I asked.
“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.

[Jimbuna]

Koala: What do you mean, I'm not a bear? I have all the koalafications.
Elephant: Your koalafications are completely irrelephant.
Lion: Don't listen to him! He's lion!
Bear: This arguing is becoming unbearable!

[Jimbuna]

Man visits India and meets an old man in the town square who is renowned for his elephantine memory.
He asks the old man what he had for breakfast on the same day 15 years back.
"Eggs," replies the old man, the man scoffs at this saying everyone has eggs for breakfast and walks away.
Ten years later he returns to India and sees the same old man on the same spot, goes to him and asks, "How?"
The old man takes one look at his face and replies, "Scrambled."

[Jimbuna]

There once was a baby elephant and a baby turtle drinking from a river deep in the jungle.
For no reason, the turtle reaches over and bites the elephant's tail, really hard.
Years and years later, the same elephant, now grown up, is by the same river, having a drink with his giraffe buddy, when the same turtle that bit him on the tail all those years ago wanders up to the river.
The elephant rears back a leg and kicks the turtle as hard as he can, sending him flying way off into the jungle.
"Why did you do that?" the giraffe asks.
"When we both were babies, that turtle bit my tail for no reason," the elephant replied.
"Wow! You must have a good memory!" exclaimed the giraffe.
"Yep!" said the elephant. "I've got Turtle-Recall."

[Jimbuna]

An elephant goes to a camel and says why have you got a pair of breasts on your back, the camel then replies that's a funny question coming from someone with a (male organ) on their face.

[Jimbuna]

A stranger walks up to an Egyptian man at the Cairo bazaar and offers to sell him contraband Viagra for 100 Egyptian pounds.
The Egyptian man says, "No, not worth it."
The stranger says, "How about 20?"
The Egyptian man says, "No, not worth it."
The stranger says, "How about 10?"
The Egyptian man says, "No, not worth it."
The stranger says, "Listen, these pills cost $10 each in the U.S. How can you say they're not worth it?"
The Egyptian man says, "Oh, the pills are worth it my wife isn't."

[Jimbuna]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans...
Walk into a fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group.
"You can't come in here without a Thai."

[Jimbuna]

On a Roman warship, the galley boss looked over his slaves and shouted, "Today I have good news. All of you are getting extra food tonight."
The slaves all looked at him in silence, except one decrepit old man in the back, who moaned, "Oh God, no, not again."
A new slave next to him asked, "Why are you moaning?"
"This only happens when the Captain's nephew wants to water ski."

[Jimbuna]

Son - "Dad whats the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad - "Hmm. You are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."

[Commander Wallace]

Originally Posted by Jimbuna

Son - "Dad whats the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad - "Hmm. You are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."

Jim, The jokes you post along with others are great but I have to ask. Did you find them in a joke book somewhere ? If so, what is the name of the book ? At any rate, they are excellent so keep posting them.

[Jimbuna]

Originally Posted by Commander Wallace

Jim, The jokes you post along with others are great but I have to ask. Did you find them in a joke book somewhere ? If so, what is the name of the book ? At any rate, they are excellent so keep posting them.

Just over on the net matey, no particular favourite site.

[Jimbuna]

Son: "Daddy; why some of your hairs have turned white?"
Father: "Every lie told by you makes one of my hairs white."
Son: "Oh now I understood why all grandfathers' hairs are white."

[Jimbuna]

One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for.
The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems okay but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair.
Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again, she seems okay but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side.
The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright.
This goes on all morning.
Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.
"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.
"It’s pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won’t let you pump."

[Jimbuna]

Police: Where do u live?
Me: With my parents.
Police: Where does ur parents live?
Me: With me.
Police: Where do u all live?
Me: Together.
Police: Where is ur house?
Me: Next to my neighbors house.
Police: Where is your neighbors house?
Me: If i tell you u wont believe me.
Police: Tell me
Me: Next to my house...

[blackswan40]

A farther of two children Daughter of 14 years and a Son nine years of age.
The farther gets up at 07:30 on a week day morning to get ready for work opens the door of his Daughters bedroom shes fast asleep shes been facetubing until the early hours.
He then turns to go into the bathroom little Timmy's is in there won't be long dad says Timmy 5-10-15 minuets go by the father pushes the door open a bit as he looks into the bathroom he can see what Timmy is doing through the mirror hanging on the wall.
Timmy as is pyjamas bottoms round is ankles and is scrubbing his meat n two veg Vigorously with is toothbrush what are you doing says his farther.
Timmy's reply your always telling me preventions better than a cure I don't want a cavity like my sister.