The joke thread

[Jimbuna]

In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart which contained a screaming, bellowing baby.
The gentleman kept repeating softly, “Don’t get excited, Albert; don’t scream, Albert; don’t yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert.”
A woman standing next to him said, “You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son, Albert.”
The man looked at her and said, “Lady, I’m Albert.”

[Eichhörnchen]

"Eeeh-eeh... eeh-eh... knock-knock!"

"Who's there?"

"Eeeh-eeh... Old Lady"

"Old Lady who?"

"Eeeh-eeh... eeh-eh... One wasn't aware that One could yodel..!"

[Von Due]

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
You.
You who?
Glad to see you too.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Aw, don't cry, it was a joke.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
....
...
..
I said who's there?
...
Them damn kids.

[Jimbuna]

There was a business man driving down this country road when he spotted a little boy that had a lemonade stand.
It being hot and him being thirsty, he decided to stop.
Once he got up to the little boy's stand, he noticed a sign that said "All you can drink 10 cents," and a single, very small glass.
Well, he thought that it was an awful small glass, but since it was only 10 cents for all you can drink, he decided to get some anyway.
He gave the boy a dime, and shot down the whole glass in one swig. He slapped the glass back onto the table and said, "fill 'er up."
The kid replies, "Sure thing, that'll be 10 cents."
To this the business man said, "But your sign says all you can drink for a dime."
"It is," the little boy replies, "That's all you can drink for a dime."

[Jimbuna]

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, "How was I born?"
‘Well honey...' said the slightly prudish parent, "An Angel brought you to us." "Oh," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.
"Oh, the angel brought us too."
"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted.
"Well darling, the angel brought them too!" said the parent.
Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: "This report has been very difficult to write because there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

[Sailor Steve]

A woman has two problems:

1. Nothing to wear.

2. Nowhere to put all the clothes.

[Jimbuna]

A little girl is sitting on her grandpa’s lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face.
She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles.
Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled.
Finally the little girl asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa.
"Well, did God make me?" asks the little girl.
"Yes, He did, and that wasn’t too long ago," answers her grandpa.
"Boy," says the little girl, "He’s sure doing a lot better job these days isn’t he?"

[Eichhörnchen]

"Eeeh... what does One call bears without ears?"

"I don't know, what does One call bears without ears?"
"Eeeeeh-eeeh.... eeeh-eeeeh... eeeh-eeeh......... b!!"

[Jimbuna]

A little kid gets on a city bus, sits right behind the driver, and starts talking loudly, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow, I'd be a little bull."
The driver gets annoyed as the kids continues to yammer on.
"If my dad was an rooster and my mom a hen, I would be a little chick."
The kid goes on and on with all the animals he knows, when finally, the bus driver yells, "What if your dad was a bum and your mom was a drunk?"
The kid smiles and says, "I'd be a bus driver."

[Jimbuna]

Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble.
One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek.
Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred.
Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes.
Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, "What are you doing?"
"Playing a game," the boy replied.
"What is your name?" the officer questioned.
"Mind Your Own Business."
Furious the policeman inquired, "Are you looking for trouble?!"
The boy replied, "Why, yes."

[Jimbuna]

Two guys are walking down a road when they come across a deep hole beside it.
Being curious, they go over and check it out.
When they look down, they are surprised to find they can’t see the bottom. So they drop a couple of rocks down the hole and listen… Nothing.
One of them says, "Man, that’s a deep hole!"
Thinking they might hear something larger hit the bottom, they find a big, old cinder block and pitch it over the side.
They pause and listen intently… They hear a sound, but it is coming from behind them! They quickly turn around to see a goat bearing down on them with it head lowered, flying along, its feet barely touching the ground, its moving so fast!
The two men dive out of its way just in time and the goat plunges past them, into the seemingly bottomless hole, to its doom.
The two look at each other and say, "Boy that was close! We’d better get away from this thing before we end up with the goat!"
So they continue on their way down the road until they happen across this farmer working near it.
The men again put their heads together and figure that the goat belongs to the farmer and the decide to tell him what happened.
"Hey Mr. Farmer. Do you happen to own a goat?" one of the men asked.
The farmer replies, "Yeah, why do you ask?"
The men then tell what happened at the hole and how they narrowly avoided death in the hole from the speeding goat.
The farmer said, "Well boys, I don’t think that was my goat. You see, my goat was really old and crippled up with arthritis. There is no way he could have been moving that fast. Besides, I had him tied to this big, old cinder block."

[Jimbuna]

A mother and her daughter were visiting the grave site of a loved one, when on their way back to the car they little girl stopped her mom.
She said "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, sweetheart." her mother replied, "Why ever would you ask such a question?"
"The headstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

[Eichhörnchen]

"Eeeh-eeh... eeeh-eeh... why does One never see a hippopotamus hiding in a tree?"

"I don't know... why does One never see a hippopotamus hiding in a tree?"

"Eeeeeh-eeeh... eeeh-eeh... eeeeeh-eeeeeeh... because they're very good at it"

[Von Due]

Little Johnny sits by the side of the road chewing chocolate when an elderly man comes walking by. The man says to Johnny:
"All that chocolate is not good for you, young man."
Little Johnny looks up at the man, still chewing chocolate, and says:
"My grandfather lived 'till he was 103 years old" to which the man says
"he didn't eat all that chocolate then, did he?".
Little Johnny looks at the man and says
"no, but he sure did mind his own bloody business"

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.
Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched."
Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story.
Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."
Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.
"Well," Johnny replied, "Don't mess with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

Jimbuna (FAQ & Rules): Please use language that you would use around your mother. No vulgarities, obscenities, hate speech, or foul language. Do not use *******ing w*rds with aster*cks, that's the same thing as vulgar languge. Express yourself with respect to others.

[Jimbuna]

A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
The friend says, “Why not?”
The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”