The joke thread - Page 589

BossMark · 05-29-16, 11:22 AM

"Is that the Ballycashel Echo?" asks Mick.
"How much would it be to put an ad in your paper?"
"Five pounds an inch," a woman replies. "Why? What are you selling?"
"A ten-foot ladder," said Mick before slamming the phone down

Eichhörnchen · 05-29-16, 12:51 PM

"Mary Poppins goes into a hardware store and asks for some long nails...

"How long do you want 'em?" asks the assistant.

"I wants to keep 'em" says Mary Poppins

BossMark · 05-30-16, 09:09 AM

This guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for supper.

Well, his missus was quite irritated about him sitting in the air conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded him. "I can't believe you're asking me about supper right now! Imagine I'm out of town, go inside and figure dinner out yourself."

So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, with potatoes, garlic bread and tall glass of iced tea.

The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, "You fixed something to eat? So where is mine?"

"Huh? I thought you were out of town."

Jimbuna · 05-30-16, 12:46 PM

A dog walks into a pub, and takes a seat. He says to the barman, "Can I have a pint of lager and a packet of crisps please".
The barman says, "Wow, that's amazing! You should join the circus!"
The dog replies, "Why? Do they need electricians?"

Jimbuna · 05-30-16, 12:48 PM

BREAKING TRANSFER NEWS; Manchester United fans sign a one year extension with the club after being closely linked to Leicester City.

Buddahaid · 05-30-16, 12:49 PM

@Jimbuna
A dog walks into a pub, and takes a seat. He says to the barman, "Can I have a pint of lager and a packet of crisps please".
The barman says, "Wow, that's amazing! You should join the circus!"
The dog replies, "Why? Do they need electricians?"

Some of my best friends are electricians...

Sailor Steve · 05-30-16, 01:36 PM

And some of my best friends are dogs.

What's yer point?

Buddahaid · 05-30-16, 02:01 PM

Man's best friend.

Sailor Steve · 05-30-16, 02:33 PM

An electrician?

Sailor Steve · 05-30-16, 10:09 PM

Of course Donald Trump backed out of the debate. History has shown that chickens should be wary of men named Sanders.

Eichhörnchen · 05-31-16, 02:40 AM

My wife said "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?" I said "Of course I would... I'd miss you, but I'd still love you"

Jimbuna · 05-31-16, 07:31 AM

There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this: "Help me, please help me! There is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me, can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away?"
"Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves."
"You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me, it is going to be fatal!"
"Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling?"
"I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk!" "Help me please, please help!"

Catfish · 05-31-16, 07:39 AM

»Darling, what would be if i died tomorrow?«

»Wednesday.«

BossMark · 06-01-16, 02:19 AM

Mr. Steve Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana.
He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer. Unfortunately, he mistyped a letter, and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs.
Joan Johnson, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away. The preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted.
When she was finally revived, she nervously pointed to the message, which read: "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here."

Jimbuna · 06-01-16, 03:20 AM

Ronnie goes to the auction. He notices a parrot that was on auction. Ronnie decides to bid for it and so Ronnie starts off with 50 Dollars.
Auctioneer: 50 Dollars
Voice: 100 Dollars
Ronnie: 200 Dollars
Voice: 300 Dollars
Ronnie: 400 Dollars
Voice: 750 Dollars
Ronnie: 800 Dollars
Auctioneer 800 going once, twice and the parrot is sold.
Ronnie to the Auctioneer "I hope this Parrot can speak as I have spent a lot of money on it."
Auctioneer Laughing: "Who do you think was Bidding against you.

05-29-16, 11:22 AM	#8821
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	"Is that the Ballycashel Echo?" asks Mick. "How much would it be to put an ad in your paper?" "Five pounds an inch," a woman replies. "Why? What are you selling?" "A ten-foot ladder," said Mick before slamming the phone down __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

05-29-16, 12:51 PM	#8822
Eichhörnchen Starte das Auto Join Date: Aug 2014 Location: The Fens Posts: 15,901 Downloads: 5 Uploads: 0	"Mary Poppins goes into a hardware store and asks for some long nails... "How long do you want 'em?" asks the assistant. "I wants to keep 'em" says Mary Poppins __________________

05-30-16, 09:09 AM	#8823
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	This guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for supper. Well, his missus was quite irritated about him sitting in the air conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded him. "I can't believe you're asking me about supper right now! Imagine I'm out of town, go inside and figure dinner out yourself." So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, with potatoes, garlic bread and tall glass of iced tea. The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, "You fixed something to eat? So where is mine?" "Huh? I thought you were out of town." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

05-30-16, 12:46 PM	#8824
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 184,161 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	A dog walks into a pub, and takes a seat. He says to the barman, "Can I have a pint of lager and a packet of crisps please". The barman says, "Wow, that's amazing! You should join the circus!" The dog replies, "Why? Do they need electricians?" __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

05-30-16, 12:48 PM	#8825
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 184,161 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	BREAKING TRANSFER NEWS; Manchester United fans sign a one year extension with the club after being closely linked to Leicester City. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

05-30-16, 12:49 PM	#8826
Buddahaid Shark above Space Chicken Join Date: Jun 2008 Posts: 8,940 Downloads: 160 Uploads: 0	@Jimbuna A dog walks into a pub, and takes a seat. He says to the barman, "Can I have a pint of lager and a packet of crisps please". The barman says, "Wow, that's amazing! You should join the circus!" The dog replies, "Why? Do they need electricians?" Some of my best friends are electricians... __________________ "However vast the darkness, we must provide our own light." Stanley Kubrick "Tomorrow belongs to those who can hear it coming." David Bowie

05-30-16, 01:36 PM	#8827
Sailor Steve Eternal Patrol Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: High in the mountains of Utah Posts: 50,369 Downloads: 745 Uploads: 249	And some of my best friends are dogs. What's yer point? __________________ “Never do anything you can't take back.” —Rocky Russo

05-30-16, 02:01 PM	#8828
Buddahaid Shark above Space Chicken Join Date: Jun 2008 Posts: 8,940 Downloads: 160 Uploads: 0	Man's best friend. __________________ "However vast the darkness, we must provide our own light." Stanley Kubrick "Tomorrow belongs to those who can hear it coming." David Bowie

05-30-16, 02:33 PM	#8829
Sailor Steve Eternal Patrol Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: High in the mountains of Utah Posts: 50,369 Downloads: 745 Uploads: 249	An electrician? __________________ “Never do anything you can't take back.” —Rocky Russo

05-30-16, 10:09 PM	#8830
Sailor Steve Eternal Patrol Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: High in the mountains of Utah Posts: 50,369 Downloads: 745 Uploads: 249	Of course Donald Trump backed out of the debate. History has shown that chickens should be wary of men named Sanders. __________________ “Never do anything you can't take back.” —Rocky Russo

05-31-16, 02:40 AM	#8831
Eichhörnchen Starte das Auto Join Date: Aug 2014 Location: The Fens Posts: 15,901 Downloads: 5 Uploads: 0	My wife said "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?" I said "Of course I would... I'd miss you, but I'd still love you" __________________

05-31-16, 07:31 AM	#8832
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 184,161 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this: "Help me, please help me! There is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me, can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away?" "Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves." "You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me, it is going to be fatal!" "Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling?" "I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk!" "Help me please, please help!" __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

05-31-16, 07:39 AM	#8833
Catfish Dipped Squirrel Operative Join Date: Sep 2001 Location: ..where the ocean meets the sky Posts: 16,947 Downloads: 38 Uploads: 0	»Darling, what would be if i died tomorrow?« »Wednesday.« __________________ >^..^<*)))>{ All generalizations are wrong.

06-01-16, 02:19 AM	#8834
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Mr. Steve Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana. He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer. Unfortunately, he mistyped a letter, and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away. The preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted. When she was finally revived, she nervously pointed to the message, which read: "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

06-01-16, 03:20 AM	#8835
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 184,161 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Ronnie goes to the auction. He notices a parrot that was on auction. Ronnie decides to bid for it and so Ronnie starts off with 50 Dollars. Auctioneer: 50 Dollars Voice: 100 Dollars Ronnie: 200 Dollars Voice: 300 Dollars Ronnie: 400 Dollars Voice: 750 Dollars Ronnie: 800 Dollars Auctioneer 800 going once, twice and the parrot is sold. Ronnie to the Auctioneer "I hope this Parrot can speak as I have spent a lot of money on it." Auctioneer Laughing: "Who do you think was Bidding against you. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)