The joke thread - Page 539

BossMark · 08-09-15, 08:48 AM

There's a guy down our pub who's so old that when he was a kid the Dead Sea was only ill.

Lord_magerius · 08-10-15, 04:14 AM

Work out what your Australian surname is by adding "b Broad" to the end of it.

BossMark · 08-10-15, 12:19 PM

I was just reading about a French couple who drove 150 kilometres after 'forgetting' their three year old daughter.

Monsieur and Madame McCann are unavailable for comment.

Jimbuna · 08-10-15, 03:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lord_magerius

Work out what your Australian surname is by adding "b Broad" to the end of it.

Nice one

Jimbuna · 08-10-15, 03:50 PM

On reading the headline: "UK's most notorious address", the Houses of Parliament just sprang to mind.

I was surprised to learn that Dolphin Square, Pimlico has, for over a century, been a non-stop hotbed of nefarious high profile characters.

Hopefully it won't cost the taxpayer £3,500,000,000 to refurbish Dolphin Square.

BossMark · 08-11-15, 05:10 AM

And God told Women "There will be honest and loyal Husbands in every corner of the World"

Then God made the world round and pissed himself laughing

Jimbuna · 08-12-15, 07:40 AM

I called 999 for an ambulance today.

"What seems to be the problem?" asked the operator.

"I stumped my toe on the coffee table." I replied.

"And you want an ambulance for that?" he laughed.

I said, "No, it's for my wife, she shouldn't have laughed."

BossMark · 08-12-15, 11:34 PM

My wife came back from the doctors really upset today.

"He told me we can't have any sex for two weeks," she sobbed.

"How come?" I said, looking really concerned.

"Because he's going on holiday tonight," she replied.

Jimbuna · 08-13-15, 10:26 AM

BBC NEWS
'A man who tricked high-ranking Judges into thinking he was a Solicitor has been sentenced to 16 months in prison.'

He was originally given 4 years, but he managed to talk them down.

BossMark · 08-13-15, 01:23 PM

Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

Tough question.

Which came first, that ugly bloke's nice car or his fit girlfriend?

Not so tough.

BossMark · 08-13-15, 02:27 PM

A serious incident occurred in Manchester City Centre today.

The Police immediately responded to the incident by sending out three tweets and a Facebook post.

Armistead · 08-13-15, 05:39 PM

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.

BossMark · 08-13-15, 11:32 PM

"So," said the judge, "This man is claiming that you shoved a monocle up his anus."

"I object"

"Yes, I know what a monocle is."

Jimbuna · 08-14-15, 06:27 AM

I've just read the dictionary. Turns out the Zebra did it.

Jimbuna · 08-14-15, 10:34 AM

I sat down in the dentist's chair.

"If you could just open up for me then," said the woman.

I said, "Well, I don't think my parents love me any more."

08-09-15, 08:48 AM	#8071
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	There's a guy down our pub who's so old that when he was a kid the Dead Sea was only ill. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

08-10-15, 04:14 AM	#8072
Lord_magerius Seasoned Skipper Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Right by the hydrophone station Posts: 724 Downloads: 96 Uploads: 0	Work out what your Australian surname is by adding "b Broad" to the end of it. __________________

08-10-15, 12:19 PM	#8073
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I was just reading about a French couple who drove 150 kilometres after 'forgetting' their three year old daughter. Monsieur and Madame McCann are unavailable for comment. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

08-10-15, 03:50 PM	#8075
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 184,161 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	On reading the headline: "UK's most notorious address", the Houses of Parliament just sprang to mind. I was surprised to learn that Dolphin Square, Pimlico has, for over a century, been a non-stop hotbed of nefarious high profile characters. Hopefully it won't cost the taxpayer £3,500,000,000 to refurbish Dolphin Square. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

08-11-15, 05:10 AM	#8076
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	And God told Women "There will be honest and loyal Husbands in every corner of the World" Then God made the world round and pissed himself laughing __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

08-12-15, 07:40 AM	#8077
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 184,161 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I called 999 for an ambulance today. "What seems to be the problem?" asked the operator. "I stumped my toe on the coffee table." I replied. "And you want an ambulance for that?" he laughed. I said, "No, it's for my wife, she shouldn't have laughed." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

08-12-15, 11:34 PM	#8078
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	My wife came back from the doctors really upset today. "He told me we can't have any sex for two weeks," she sobbed. "How come?" I said, looking really concerned. "Because he's going on holiday tonight," she replied. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

08-13-15, 10:26 AM	#8079
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 184,161 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	BBC NEWS 'A man who tricked high-ranking Judges into thinking he was a Solicitor has been sentenced to 16 months in prison.' He was originally given 4 years, but he managed to talk them down. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

08-13-15, 01:23 PM	#8080
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Tough question. Which came first, that ugly bloke's nice car or his fit girlfriend? Not so tough. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

08-13-15, 02:27 PM	#8081
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	A serious incident occurred in Manchester City Centre today. The Police immediately responded to the incident by sending out three tweets and a Facebook post. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

08-13-15, 05:39 PM	#8082
Armistead Rear Admiral Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: on the Dan Posts: 10,875 Downloads: 364 Uploads: 0	Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along. __________________ You see my dog don't like people laughing. He gets the crazy idea you're laughing at him. Now if you apologize like I know you're going to, I might convince him that you really didn't mean it.

08-13-15, 11:32 PM	#8083
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	"So," said the judge, "This man is claiming that you shoved a monocle up his anus." "I object" "Yes, I know what a monocle is." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

08-14-15, 06:27 AM	#8084
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 184,161 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I've just read the dictionary. Turns out the Zebra did it. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

08-14-15, 10:34 AM	#8085
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 184,161 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I sat down in the dentist's chair. "If you could just open up for me then," said the woman. I said, "Well, I don't think my parents love me any more." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)