The joke thread

[Jimbuna]

A Rabbi and a Priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision with tremendous force. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him.
After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt. This must be a sign from God!" Pointing to the sky, he continues, "God must have meant that we should meet and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth."
The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must surely be a sign from God!"
The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims, "And look at this! Here's another miracle! My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of Mogen David wine did not break. Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune."
The priest nods in agreement.
The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle and hands the bottle back to the rabbi.
The rabbi takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap on, then hands it back to the priest.
The priest, baffled, asks, "Aren't you having any, Rabbi?"
The rabbi replies, "Nah... I think I'll wait for the police."

[BossMark]

My supermarket delivery van just arrived with 50 cans of beer and a 2 kilo bag of mixed salad.
Sarcastically the driver said - healthy diet I see.
I replied, I try my best but its getting the pet rabbit off the beer that's a bloody problem.

[Jimbuna]

A guy goes into a police station to report his wife as missing.

"So, what does she look like then?" asks the constable on duty.

"Well, she's 18 stone, 5 foot 6, has dyed-blonde hair going black at the roots, a big nose, pointy ears, an oily complexion, acne, fat ankles, droopy breasts ... she's also cross-eyed and speaks with a lisping stutter ... on second thoughts, don't bother, Officer, I'm sure she'll turn up."

[BossMark]

What if animals "were" injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits?

Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.

[BossMark]

11.34: Arrived at crime scene

11.34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle

11.34: Found murder weapon in drain

11.34: Realised watch was broken

[Jimbuna]

The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.
20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
18. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?
17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.
16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.
15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
14. Bad cop. No donut.
13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?
12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?
10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
9. I pay your salary
8. So uh, you on the take or what?
7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.
6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.
4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist. 3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.
1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

[BossMark]

The phone rang.

"Mr Hughes?"

"Yeah?" I replied.

"Mr. Hughes, we need you to come and pick your son up from school."

"Oh, hell, what's he gone and done now?"

"Nothing, Mr. Hughes. It's just that it's nearly midnight."

[BossMark]

Me and the wife found each other on Match.com ...

3 years after we got married.

Which was awkward.

[Jimbuna]

In the construction field, it is often noted that spammers make the worst clients. However, a couple of years ago I met an old carpenter that said spammers were always his favorite clients!

When I asked him why he got so much pleasure out of having spammers as clients he replied, "I only build coffins now."

[BossMark]

The draw for Wimbledon has been kind to Andy Murray.

He won't have to lose to Djokovic until the final.

[Jimbuna]

As my wife and I were leaving for a night out the babysitter told us to take as long as we like.

That was five years ago.

I hope she's enjoying being a parent.

[BossMark]

I was digging a hole in my garden when my neighbour popped his head over the wall and asked what I was doing.

"Burying the past." I said.

"Oh, a time capsule?" He said.

"No," I replied, "The ex wife."

[Jimbuna]

A man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?"
"No," says the cop.
"What about all these other cars?"
"They didn't ask!"

[BossMark]

I've opened a restaurant called "Peace and Quiet" .

Kid's meals are £250.

[Jimbuna]

A man was pulled over for driving too fast, even though he thought he was driving just fine.
Officer: "You were speeding."
Man: "No, I wasn’t."
Officer: "Yes, you were. I’m giving you a ticket."
Man: "But I wasn’t speeding."
Officer: "Tell that to the judge!" (The officer gives man the ticket.)
Man: "Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk?"
Officer: "Yes, you would."
Man: "What if I just thought that you were?"
Officer: "I can’t give you a ticket for what you think."
Man: "Fine, I think you’re a jerk!"