The joke thread

[BossMark]

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Sure. I've come to install the phone!"

[Jimbuna]

My dad wished me good luck in my maths exam.

"I'm good at maths" I replied, "I'm 1/2 english and 3/4 chinese."

[Jimbuna]

My English language tutor has failed me for making too many mistakes.

I'm thinking about wedging a complaint.

[BossMark]

The soldier serving in Hong Kong was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, "I regret to inform you that I cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others."

[Jimbuna]

Hitler wasn't such a bad guy.

After all, he did kill Hitler.

[BossMark]

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

[Alex]

Is she Dutch ?

[Jimbuna]

I got a call from my son's school today apparently he'd been stealing.

I said "Son in life there must always be a give and a take."

He said "But dad there was a give and take. I gave him a black eye and took his money!"

[BossMark]

The old pastor made it to a practice to visit the parish school one day a week.

He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name.

They came up with about 40 names.

He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.

One lad snickered, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13."

[Jimbuna]

My dad sat me down, brought the laptop in and said, "Son, I think it's time to talk to you about pornography."

"What about it?" I replied.

"How the hell can I get past the filters without your mum knowing?"

[BossMark]

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.

"I PRAY FOR A BICYCLE...I PRAY FOR A NEW PS3...I PRAY FOR A NEW DVD player..."

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!"

[Jimbuna]

My wife is finally losing weight thanks to a slimming club.

If she goes near the fridge, I hit her with it.

[Lord_magerius]

My mate said, "How did you get that black eye?"
I said, "A bloke punched me at the swimming pool because I splashed him"
He said, "That's a bit of an over-reaction isn't it?"
I said, "Not really, we were both stood at the urinal at the time"

[Jimbuna]

My friend was killed in a car accident because he wasn't wearing his seatbelt.

He drove through a red light and was hit by a train.

[BossMark]

For his birthday, Little Johnny asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is £280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw Little Johnny heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Johnny told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a £280,000 mortgage & no bike."