The lance resurfaces!

[UnderseaLcpl]

Originally Posted by SteamWake

Or a Jerry Springer episode.

Actually, it had more of a reality show feel to it. Almost like COPS. Especially the part with the police.

[nikimcbee]

So is this the re-incarnation of "Three's Company?"

Do you have Don Knotts?




Sorry to hear about your grandma. I hope things have improved for you.

[UnderseaLcpl]

On to part 3.... the exciting conclusion
Now where was I? Ah, now I remember. Once I had gotten Karen's bond money together and picked her up from the police station it was time to pursue my only logical recourse; I needed to construct a suitable criminal defense for her. In order to do that I first needed to learn what a criminal defense was. I donned my barister's wig (should be easier for you to imagine now, Jim) and consulted the greatest repository of law knowledge in the world; teh internets. I'm not usually one to brag (usually because I have nothing to brag about) but I must say that I was quite impressed with the rapid progress I made; within the first few hours I had already learned why people usually graduate law school before attempting this crap.
I decided to reorganize my efforts and start by gathering all the facts of the case. After that, I would bring said facts to someone who knew what the hell they were doing and who could help me understand what the hell I was doing, so.........
First thing first, I needed the police report. When the police took Karen into custody, they had questioned Amanda privately. She had already told me what she told them to the best of her recollection, but she was drinking that night and I needed to know exactly what the prosecuting attorney could be expected to know. I called the police station and asked for the records department; "Good morning ma'am, I was hoping you could tell me how I would go about procuring the police report for case number xxxxxxxx and any accompanying statements."

"Are you an attorney?"

"Um......no"

"I'm sorry, but records like that are confidential."

"Well.......yes I'm aware of that but I'm actually calling on behalf of the defendant and she wants to know how she would go about procuring the record. She has a right to any information pertaining to her case, right?"

"Yes sir, she does, but I would advise you to call an attorney if she needs legal representation. An attorney will know how to secure the record"

"Fine. Thanks for nothing, bitch. I'll figure it out myself."

Once again I was off to consult teh internets for information on how to proceed. I learned that I needed to file something called a "motion for discovery" in order to obtain the required evidence. This handy-dandy little document can force prosecutors, police, and anyone else to hand over official records that pertain to a criminal defense, along with everything else they know. Sounds great, doesn't it? Unfortunately, you have to know how to draft one of those babies before you can use it. I'll spare you the details, but after many hours of research I ended up with a frankenstein draft that was about 30% my work, 50% cannibalized from examples of motions in other states and in Texas, and 20% my Aunt's work (she's a practicing attorney in Washington, and her help was invaluable in getting myself thrown in jail) Overall, however, I was quite pleased with the result. I had me a textbook motion for discovery, and I wasn't afraid to use it, but I needed something else before I could go to the judge. Amanda had made it clear that she didn't want to prosecute Karen, and I was pretty damn sure that there was a way of making that official. Off to teh internets again.....
The way turned out to be something called an affidavit of non-prosecution. It was surprisingly easy to draft, but disappointingly worthless. The state of Texas doesn't care if the victim doesn't want to press charges in a domestic violence case. It will press charges all by itself whether anyone wants the case prosecuted or not. There were several landmark court decisions that led to this policy, but the jist of the whole process was that too many unprosecuted domestic violence cases led to too many repeat offenses. Even less helpful was the fact that in a number of recent cases, the court had thrown out such affidavits as evidence because they were not signed under acceptable circumstances, and were coerced in some cases. The solution seemed rather simple; all I needed to do was to get Amanda to sign the affidavit in the presence of the prosecuting D.A. after the D.A. had a chance to counsel her and explain what she was signing. Then I just needed to get the D.A. to sign a notarized testament to the counseling and I'd have an admissable piece of mitigating evidence. Time to set up an appointment......
"Tarrant County district attorney's office, how may I help you?"
"I'd like to speak with Ms. Panuthos regarding case xxxxxxxx, is she available?"
"Are you an attorney?"
Frak!!!! This again!? Oh, what the hell...."Um.....yes"

And that was the first step towards getting myself thrown in jail. I eventually managed to get an appointment set up for Amanda to sign the affidavit, despite the D.A.'s insistence that she attend a "Prosecution Alternatives" class first, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

The mighty internets, in its' infinite wisdom, had helped me to develop a strong argument for getting Karen's case dropped. As I mentioned before, the spirit of Texas' domestic prosecution laws stems from the desire to avoid repeat incidents. I realized that since Amanda had moved out, a repeat incident was no longer possible, thus making the law superfluous, provided that I could evidence that fact, and I did, using my new favorite toy, the motion for discovery. That was mistake number two. I didn't realize it at the time, but what I essentially did was to forcefully demand compliance from a private entity (my landlord company) in the form of recent records of tenancy, a demand that they had no choice but to accept and that I had no right to make.

Regarding my culpability, things rolled downhill from there at an increasingly worrying pace, culminating in what is called an "examining trial" in the state of Texas. In other states it is called a pre-trial examination or a pre-trial hearing. At the time, I was very proud that I had even managed to obtain such a trial. It took a lot of research and a lot of writing to get to that point. Nonetheless, I still had one very major problem; I had authored and submitted almost a dozen legal documents without licensure. I only got away with it by having Karen submit everything herself and claim that she was defending herself pro se. The goal was to present the accumulated evidence to the judge and the prosecuting attorney, and to have them drop the case on the grounds that there was no witness evidence (I told the police very little of value), no desire to prosecute, and no reason for the law (or the taxpayers) to pursue such a case. I spent a good deal of time counseling Karen as to what she should and should not say during the examination, but I emphasized that above all, she was absolutely not, under any circumstances, to mention that I had authored all of the motions and affidavits filed thus far. I told her that she needed to accept responsibility for them and to be confident about it. In her defense, karen is not a confident person. In fact, she is practically the definition of insecurity. I should have known beforehand what the result was going to be, but I was blinded by my tendency towards hopeless optimism.

The judge, after examining the documents that I submitted and listening to Karen's testimony, took off his glasses and asked Karen "Did you write these documents yourself?" To my horror, she answered "No, he did." and pointed at me. The only response I could think of was a facepalm, hard and loud. I actually hurt myself when I did it. From that point onwards, the judge was focused solely on me.
He asked me "Son, did you submit these documents?"

"Yes, sir."

"Did you author these documents?"

"Yes, sir."

"Are you aware that you are practicing law in the state of Texas without a license? Do you know what that means? Why on earth would you, without a license, attempt to practice law in my courtroom!?"
What I should have done at that point was to offer an apology and explain the circumstances. Instead, I chose to offer a wisecrack:

"Practice makes perfect, sir".

In retrospect, that was not the time to be appealing to the judge's sense of humor (judges are amazingly humorless people at times), nor to be making a statement about the American justice system, but I did it anyway. I was pretty annoyed after having to go through all the BS I went through to make even a rudimentary, if sound, legal argument. Why should a justice system that is "for the people" be utterly indecipherable to the people? Why should we need licensures and specialists to interpret a law that we are expected to obey? The whole legal industry is an extortionist racket, imo, and I guess I was just pissed about the way I was treated. What, my arguments are good enough for someone who thinks I'm a licensed legal proffesional but not good enough for the same people when they discover that I am not?

Not surprisingly, I was arrested for contempt of court, and spent the night in jail. The next day I went before the judge I had just pissed off to recieve my arraignment for practicing law without a license. I was set to appear in court on the 30th of September.

Needless to say, I was pretty bummed about the situation. I had started this whole thing by trying to get my friend out of jail without a lawyer, and now I was the one who needed a lawyer, which I couldn't afford. I figured I'd get stuck with whatever attorney the state provided me with, and I did. I won't elaborate much on the subject but my meeting with him was not encouraging at all. He struck me as being one of those people who has gotten themselves into a position he was totally unprepared for (I realize the irony in that, but I was just messing around, this is supposed to be his job). In short, when your lawyer begins consulting you for legal advice, you should be worried.

I spent almost two weeks in jail before the clouds miraculously parted and they simply.......let me go. How the hell did that happen, you ask? Karen and Amanda had both gone to the DA's office, and through a combination of appealing to reason and mercy, explaining what happened, and begging, had gotten her to drop the case due to "mitigating evidence". I was so happy that I could have kissed both of them.....and then had them kiss each other.....and then.....well, nevermind, the point is that my roommates ended up not being so worthless after all. They really came through for me when it mattered most.

Now for the happy ending. Karen's trial is now set for the 30th of September (wierd, huh?) and everything I did during the pre-trial phase has been completely expunged. We had to hire a real lawyer for her, to the tune of about $1500, but the little bit that I learned about the legal process in Texas allowed me to light a fire under his ass when he told us to just wait for the trial. He ultimately agreed to try to get the case dropped, using my argument! I was quite happy about that. Hell, I'm still happy about that, especially since I've decided to become a licensed criminal defense lawyer. Yeah, you'd think my first foray into that field would have dissuaded me, but it didn't. I have submitted my application to Forth Worth's Wesleyan campus, which has an excellent legal program despite the fact that it is a Methodist school.

Karen and Amanda are at odds with each other once again (same damn guy), but at least they are no longer living together. They have both reverted to their natural state of worthlessness, and bug me for money all the time. I really hope that they can find boyfriends soon.

Being layed off and broke, I obtained a job at Wal-Mart as a simple stockboy until I could either reclaim my old job or find a better one. I got my stuff back from my dad, though a lot of it was broken, including my prized iMac Not a problem, though. I mooched an HP laptop off a friend and now I am back on subsim (but this POS cardboard computer can't run GWX)

So there you have it, a somewhat unabridged account of my whereabouts for the past couple of months, presented in an abbreviated, yet somehow lengthy, fashion.

It's damn good to be back

[antikristuseke]

This reminds of that time when i buried those three hitchhike....I had cake, yes cake and no swamp or shallow graves were involved.

Good that things sort of worked out.

[magic452]

Well it's good to have you back and if I ever need a lawyer I'll look you up.
I'll check the county jail first.

Sorry about your grandmother.

Magic

[XabbaRus]

You couldn't make that stuff up..

So what is your job, ie profession not Walmart stuff....

You could make that into a funny film, you should do and see what happens.

[HunterICX]

Talking about a chain reaction of bad luck, it seemed to have piled upon you there.

glad in the end things went better, glad to see you back.

HunterICX

[Oberon]

Bloody hell, what a story, like Xabba said, you really couldn't make it up. Good on you for going for the Defence lawyer course, I hope you get through, you've had an experience of the system first hand, and created an argument strong enough to stand in court, even if you couldn't use it yourself legally.
But, blimey, you've been through the works alright, and no mistake.

[Jimbuna]

I've come to one simple conclusion James....if it wasn't for bad luck you'd have no luck at all

Pleased it's worked out well for you in the end mate

[Sailor Steve]

Well, I finally had time to read through the whole thing. Nothing like a little adventure to spice things up, though of course at the time it seems like anything but.

Glad you're okay for the time being, and glad to hear the roommate situation has calmed down somewhat.

[FIREWALL]

At least YOU had an adventure.

Nothing ever exciteing happens to me.

[XabbaRus]

Trust me, a dull life isn't always a bad thing.

Saying that if I ever make a film of the events in this thread the ending would be what most of the guys here would want, and it wouldn't be the roomies living by themselves....

Having said that this is exactly the type of story that would make a decent comedy if done right. You have the whole satire and irony thing sorted by the fact Lance made a sound legal argument, couldn't use, ended up in jail and then had a lawyer using it...

[UnderseaLcpl]

Thanks for all the feedback, guys. I'm glad that you seemed to enjoy the story.

Originally Posted by Jimbuna

I've come to one simple conclusion James....if it wasn't for bad luck you'd have no luck at all

Well, it wasn't all bad. I found what I think may be my calling in life (God help me), and I'm not dead yet so I'd say things are looking up.

Originally Posted by Xabbarus

So what is your job, ie profession not Walmart stuff....

You could make that into a funny film, you should do and see what happens.

I used to work for the railroad. Moving to Walmart after the furlough was a major pay cut but it should cover my bills until I find something better. The nice thing is that I can go back to my old job wiithout reapplying whenever they call me back, and my seniority and benefits remain intact, plus I get 130 days of furlough compensation each year and I don't have to pay social security.

However, I'm afraid that I don't have the talent or the will to even attempt a screenplay. If anyone here wants to try it, be my guest. I hereby waive all intellectual property and associatiative rights.

Originally Posted by SailorSteve

Well, I finally had time to read through the whole thing. Nothing like a little adventure to spice things up, though of course at the time it seems like anything but.
Glad you're okay for the time being, and glad to hear the roommate situation has calmed down somewhat.

Thanks, Steve. It's good to be back with you and the rest of the crew on subsim(Jason, Chad, John, Marc, Jim, Grant, everyone.......thanks for stopping in)

[Freiwillige]

That was the mans version of the lifetime channels movie of the week!

Welcome back killer, now do try to stay out of trouble!

Glad you survived bud.

[Chad]

Hey man,

I think you have found your calling

You've always been one for words and got the wits and guts to do what you believe in. Best of luck getting into that school, and hope everything goes well with you and that. Keep me informed and up-to-date what's going on with it