The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

My Jewish mate has been with his Tourette’s suffering girlfriend for years now. I always wondered what kept them together.

Then I saw the swear jar.

[Jimbuna]

Did you know that 85% of pie charts resemble Pacman?

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear about the new mummy they’ve discovered in Egypt? It was covered in nuts and chocolate.

They think his name was Pharaoh Rocher.

[Jimbuna]

I’m on a quest around the world to find Bigfoot. I’d originally set out to find cheap car insurance, but I decided to keep my goals realistic.

[Jimbuna]

I’ve been sleeping with this bloke’s wife and today he sent me this text: “You go near her again and ill have you dead! Mark my words!” To which I replied: “8 out of 10, the word (I’ll ) requires an apostrophe and a capital I.”

[Jimbuna]

Just had the following conversation after getting pulled over by a cop.

Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: I was just keeping up with the traffic.
Cop: There is no traffic!
Me: I know, that’s how far behind I am.

[Jimbuna]

[Jimbuna]

I used to work for a Jewish carpenter.

He used to check my fingers for splinters to make sure I wasn’t stealing.

[Jimbuna]

My wife said I was rude for yawning when she was shouting at me.

I told her I wasn’t yawning, I was just trying to speak.

[Jimbuna]

The following conversation happened after calling the police.

Police: What’s your emergency?
Me: Two girls are fighting over me.
Police: OK and what’s the problem?
Me: The fat one is winning!

[Jimbuna]

Just been fired from my job as an airline pilot for smoking weed on my first day.

Apparently I misunderstood them when they told me to “get high” after takeoff.

[Jimbuna]

My wife told me to get our ginger son ready for his first day at school.

So I punched him in the face and stole his dinner money.

[Jimbuna]

Knocked on my neighbours door and just had the following conversation.

Me: Your son has just run out in front of my car, I nearly killed him!!
Neighbour: I’m so sorry, he won’t be doing it again.
Me: I know he won’t, the paramedic said he probably won’t walk again.

[Jimbuna]

The following conversation took place between a husband and wife before bed.

Wife: Have you emptied the trash tonight?
Husband: Erm no, I’ll do it in the morning.
Wife: What about the cat?
Husband: I can ask but I think it might be a bit too heavy for him to lift.

[Jimbuna]

The level of pollution in the world today is becoming intolerable.
Only the other day I opened a can of sardines and it was full of oil.