The joke thread

[Kongo Otto]

German Chancellor, Angela Merkel arrives at passport control in Athens:

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German" she replied.

"Occupation?"

"No, just here for a few days"...

[frau kaleun]

Originally Posted by Kongo Otto

"Occupation?"

"No, just here for a few days"...

*spit take*

[BossMark]

A woman storms into a pet shop demanding her money back from the owner. “You sold me this frog and told me it would be able to satisfy all my sexual desires!”
The clerk tries to calm her down and asks, “Did you do what I told you to do?”

“Yes, dammit! I got naked, lay back on my bed, and put him between my legs just like you said, and he did nothing!” she shouts.

The owner, looking confused, replies, “It’s a perfectly trained frog. I can’t understand what’s wrong.”

He takes the woman and the frog to a back room in the shop, where he places the frog on a small table next to a bed and asks the woman to please lie down and remove her panties.

“What?” she shouts.

Turning to the frog, he says, “Now watch carefully, because this is the last time I’m showing you this!”

[Jimbuna]

I woke up this morning on my 30th birthday, looked in the mirror and was disgusted with what I saw.

Gone was the once youthful good looks, the hair tinged with grey and just an all round sign that no effort was put into maintaining a decent figure.

The wife really has let herself go.

[kiwi_2005]

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.

"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

"SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!!!"

[BossMark]

The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right.

They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm MAG rifle. He was right again.

Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind,and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?"

His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."

[Jimbuna]

What is the Iraqi army's motto?

I came...

I saw...

Iran.

[Jimbuna]

The Judge studied each picture in sequence before looking up at me.

"Without doubt, these are the sickest most perverted images I have even been confronted with. It almost beggars belief that, inebriated or not, young women would allow such photographs to be taken....."

He paused before opening his wallet, "..... Fifty quid for the lot, you said?"

[Jimbuna]

'Clinton Cards Enter Administration'.

Thinking of you at this difficult time.

[BossMark]

Several years before the Gulf War, a female journalist did a story on gender roles in Kuwait. She noted that there it was customary for women to walk 10 feet behind their husbands.

After the war, she returned to Kuwait and was pleased to observe that now the men walked 10 feet behind their wives. She approached a woman at the airport and asked, "What enabled Kuwaiti women to achieve this role reversal?"

The Kuwaiti woman replied, "Land mines."

[Herr-Berbunch]

Originally Posted by jimbuna

'Clinton Cards Enter Administration'.

Sorry, thought you were referring to a previous US Administration...

[Jimbuna]

Some fat bloke just shouted at me for blocking his drive with my car.

To be fair, I shouldn't really be driving a car across the golf course anyway.

[frau kaleun]

Now that summer's fast approaching I figured I better start getting ready for it, so I bought some SPF 75 sunscreen.

Gave the tube a little squeeze to see what it was like and a wool sweater popped out.

[Jimbuna]

I phoned the psychic hotline by mistake tonight.

A woman answered and said, "Don't worry, your pizza is on its way."

[TarJak]

I don't like computer jokes. Not one bit.